wearing a mask

“The kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force.”  Matthew 11:12

Picture Credit

wearing a mask
drains emotional energy
until eventually
all sense of spontaneity
becomes eroded
it places you
in long-term acting roles
where you feign
presence and enjoyment

-- intuitivefeeling

_____________________________________________

"No matter how difficult it may seem, make the choice to live consciously. Do not succumb to that half-conscious realm of fear-based thinking, filling your life with distractions to avoid facing what you feel in those silent spaces between your thoughts. Either exercise your human endowment of courage and progressively build the strength to face your deepest, darkest fears to live as the powerful being you truly are, or admit your fears are too much for you, and embrace life as a mouse. But make this choice consciously and with full awareness of its consequences. If you are going to allow fear to win the battle for your life, then proclaim it the victor and forfeit the match. If you simply avoid living consciously and courageously, then that is equivalent to giving up on life itself, where your continued existence becomes little more than a waiting period before physical death - the nothing as opposed to the daring adventure." -- Steve Pavlina

Note: Steve Pavlina is an independent thinker with some fresh ideas. However, I do not endorse his ideas about religion nor anything about open "love relationships". 

grieving loss as a releasing agent

“If we are grieving, it is because of our blessed capacity to embrace life and take risks.” – Kathleen Hawk

Although writing usually helps clarify my thoughts, composing this journal entry isn't as easy as I imagined. I not only encounter multiple issues that resist translation, I come into collision with my own perceptions. No matter how the words arrange themselves, they look back at me with trifling glances. The deeper I excavate, the less justice accorded to the lived experience. I find I can only endure so much time addressing this topic before I'm consumed with nausea or fatigue.

My Story

When we believe we are undeserving, we may involuntarily open ourselves to unsuitable company without understanding why. These unsuitable personalities have abilities to decode susceptibility and hoodwink others through false assurances. While being charming on the surface, they are volatile, combative, and disrespectful of boundaries. They maintain a persistent self-referential attitude and suck away energy like vampires. Yet, as one therapist put it,

"The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so you deny or forget them."
These abusive episodes operate within cycles and begin with measured doses of seductive sweetness, followed by days of increasing tension, then finally erupting into violent verbal and/or physical attacks. They're called cycles because the sweetness, tension and acting out become a recurring pattern played over and over again like a loop cassette tape.

This kaleidoscope of emotional contradiction is just one example of the drama I faced. After each explosion I’d put on an antic disposition, not wanting to eat nor take care of myself. I breathed a peculiar kind of calm because I didn't have to walk on eggshells. I’d go for long walks alone; I'd interact with strangers on the street; I'd sit near my daughter's bed at night and cry as if to mourn an unforeseeable exile and I’d tuck away a small suitcase with carefully packed clothes, important documents and other essentials, in case I needed a quick getaway. For many years, I strained as I listened to cheerful voices celebrating family achievements or special occasions, yet such joy seemed out of my reach.

Usually when society thinks of grief, it fails to acknowledge losses that are not death related. For many years I have been involuntarily experiencing what therapists refer to as “disenfranchised grief”-- grief that is not socially validated because of the stigma attached to emotional abuse.

Recovery from abuse is as elusive as it is profound. The hardest part is having so few models to follow. You frantically seek help, only to realize the subject at hand is foreign to the general public. Just as support can hold you steady, the opposite can throw you into perplexity.

Only when we embrace trauma, can we release it. Recently I came across a list of “grief” descriptions that I converted into questions to reflect upon. To this end, dear readers there is a means...

Who was I before the abuse began?
Why did I not take action when the abuse first happened?
What about the life I could have lived?
What about the dreams that never bore fruit?
What about the person I thought she was?
What kind of father would I have been had my marriage been different?
What kind of life could my child have lived?
How do I grieve a life I can no longer recover?
How do I come to terms with the way it was -- the way I wished it had been?

-- Intuitive Feeling

when dreams depart

photo credit

When it comes to traumatic events, sometimes the underlying issues are obscured even to those who experienced them. The most anyone can do is to be as objective as humanly possible, trusting he has made the best evaluation possible.

It's usually with apprehension he opens his wounds to anyone, for just as the support of a friend can hold him steady, the disparaging of the latter can throw him into an abyss. At first he seeks support from anyone who'll listen, but eventually comes to realize the subject at hand is foreign to the general public. He therefore devotes large chunks of time to understanding what went wrong and its effects upon interpersonal relationships, health and personal growth.

I came to realize as long as you live with some people in an Gilligan-Island existence, all is love and peace. To the public eye it is difficult to perceive there are human beings who are incapable of sustaining long term friendships except nominally. Some will work day and night to sabotage your connections by 1) seeking to poison your view of others and 2) absorbing your energy with a long list of demands.

Some people also inflict terror so eventually a flash of the eyes is all that is needed.  Cycles of abuse consist in measured doses of sweetness and calm, that eventually lead to periods of tension and hostility, that eventually erupt into verbal attacks. As Darlene Lancer says, "The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so that you deny or forget them."

This shift back and forth, can push you into a role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet. After each “explosion” he’s walk about in an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of himself.  While to others the list below may seem to be a collection of cold clinical data, to me each trait is a condensed prompt that elicits more distressing personal stories.

-- Intuitive Feeling

Paranoid Personality Disorder -- ICD-10 is characterized by the following traits:

- excessive sensitivity to setbacks and rebuffs;
- tendency to bear grudges persistently, i.e. refusal to forgive insults and injuries or slights;
- suspiciousness and a pervasive tendency to distort experience by misconstruing the neutral or friendly actions of others as hostile or contemptuous;
- a combative and tenacious sense of personal rights out of keeping with the actual situation;
- recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding sexual fidelity of spouse or sexual partner;
- tendency to experience excessive self-importance, manifest in a persistent self-referential attitude;

- preoccupation with unsubstantiated "conspiratorial" explanations of events both immediate to the patient and in the world at large.

-- The World Health Organization

 

Understanding Vulnerability to Abuse

Graph credit: www.utahcounty.org

"From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape." ~ Donna Anderson

If you've ever questioned why abusive relationships are harder to get over than healthy ones, then Donna Anderson's latest article "Getting Over that Amazing 'Chemistry'" may offer some insightful consolation. Since everyone's situation differs, not all the arguments she expresses need apply.

Dear Donna,

I'm aware my experience differs vastly from yours.  Although I can relate in principle to your life story, I didn't have to deal with an extreme sociopath as you did, but rather a subtle and covert abuser. To be honest, I don't know which of the two is more baffling. My ex-partner seemed decent, caring and committed on the outside, but underneath she was self-absorbed, suspicious, hypervigilant, exploitative and hostile. This discrepancy led me on my journaling journey to make sense of this sweetness/cruelty remix or else go insane. This crazy-making dynamic is aptly depicted above in the visual graphic -- as you know... what counsellors call, "Cycles of Abuse".

The Article:

What resonated with me was your accurate description of traumatic childhood experiences as a way of priming the target so that abuse feels normal. You refer to this fatal dynamic as traumatic bonding. You also mention love-bombing tactics that abusers use so that when a target is favored, the sun shines, but when he or she falls out of grace, the Ice Age begins.

These cycles of abuse often pushed me into a tormenting role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet [minus the sublime poetry, royal intrigue, strewn corpses and tragic bloody ending]. After each “Explosion” I’d put on an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of myself. I breathed a peculiar kind of calm because I didn't have to walk on eggshells as I usually did. I’d go for long walks alone; I'd interact with strangers on the street; I’d get a small suitcase and carefully pack some clothes, important documents and other essentials, as if to prepare for a quick getaway; I'd sit near my daughter's bed at night and cry as if to mourne that symbolic exile...

Getting back to the article, you leave your readers with some helpful homework: You finish by saying that healing and restoration involve exploring the root of our past and how that background may be connected in making us vulnerable to abusive relationships. This is painstaking work, especially if fear, obligation and guilt [FOG] are clouding our vision.  As the Christian theologian and philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard asserted: “[T]he truth is not so quick on its feet.” -- meaning if we want to reach out for truth, we need to work at it diligently, unashamedly and tenaciously.

Thanks Donna for your life commitment to helping others,
~ Reflector

Emotional Dependency

Photo credit: http://www.heyjosh.com/

I’ve been reading David Viscott’s, “Emotional Resilience: Simple Truths for Dealing with the Unfinished Business of Your Past.” After reading it over twice, I wonder about the subtitle, because for me there is nothing simple about dealing with the past. It's painfully complex, tiring, tedious and elusive. It requires questioning assumptions and coping mechanisms -- if that's at all possible.  However, Viscott compensates for what I consider this initial slip through his deeper understanding of the undercurrents of human interaction.

When Viscott refers to emotional dependence, he describes my family background with accuracy. As a result of this unsolicited “heritage” I have a mix of avoidant and co-dependent issues. Today, in this post I've jotted some reflections from reading Viscott, dividing my thoughts and feelings in two categories: In the first paragraph I mention the dependent traits that hit me hardest in my marriage while in the second category I deal with areas that still affect me in the present.

My wish to be close to my ex-wife caused me to disregard my safety and best interests, holding on to the relationship long after experience had revealed the truth. Once committed and enmeshed, I put up with considerable abuse. Maybe a list can help show how dependence led me down the dark alley of emotional debilitation:  1) I neglected self care. 2) I let down my guard in exchange for a few crumbs of affection. 3) I admitted wrong when I had no reason. 4) I did not see self-reliance as an alternative.

In the present, my main concern as Viscott states is that "others see me as loveable". Everything I am hinges upon this "need:  1) I suffer from guilt and as a result have difficulty expressing hurt in a timely fashion. 2) When others do not feel good about themselves, I take responsibility for it. 3) In my subconscious I still believe I need another person to be complete -- again quoting Viscott "to be my best, to assuage my hurt, to be comforted and loved".  4) Because I'm obsessed with the idea of diminishment I can slip into a scarcity mode. 5) I avoid "taking actions that may cause me to lose favor with others". [I'm aware how I fall prey to others' opinions, being vulnerable to changing my initial belief. For example, I have to guard against reading hardcore conservatives that defend marriage at all costs, who view the institution above the individual]. 6) Doubting my lovability and needing reinforcement, I have to work double hard to act on my own. For instance, several years I resisted the idea of initiating the process of divorce, putting it off in my mind until I had a new love in my life. To think of the brutal task of divorce without someone supporting me from start to finish seemed too unbearable. Fortunately, I found the resolve to finish what I started, but it wasn't easy and still have bouts of ambiguity. Part of me is thankful I'm out the relationship, while the other part of me questions whether I was too hard on her.

By nature then, I’m a people pleaser. I care what others think and this fear of being rejected often compromises my judgement. Sometimes I get emotionally blocked when I need to be in tune and aware. This makes me susceptible to being blindsided. Rather than defend myself, I tend to display my injury, as if doing so will cause the person who is hurting me to repent.

̴  Intuitive Feeling

On Grieving

Photo credit: http://www.terrytheweaver.com/

“We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it,

than any other person can be.” ̴ Jane Austen

When I first lived overseas, I had many dreams though I would have had a hard time to articulate them one by one if anyone happened to ask. However, I never imagined twenty years to look back upon so much discord, drama, fear and coercion [how sad]. That’s what has made recovery challenging. The worst part is I blocked out the pain during those years rather than allowing myself to grieve.

Grieving is a strange process, because it cannot be achieved by proxy. No one can do it for you and rarely will you find someone in real time that shows deep concern to accompany you through it. Maybe that’s asking too much from life. No. Grieving needs to be done alone and since I have lived in function of others, it never made it to the top of the priority list. I shared a little bit about this to someone over the phone today, but I couldn’t be sure how it was being received; whether with empathy or indifference-pretending-to-be compassion. We have had an ambiguous kind of friendship which in the end cannot be considered friendship at all. I have felt vibrations saying to the effect: “Keep it short, I have lots to do…”

[I’m typing this out as DD is in the bedroom sleeping] Anyway, I have been making progress and as a result have been feeling stronger. Today DD and I went biking at the metropolitan park. We’ve gone a few times before, but today I can say I enjoyed it. It’s not that the other outings were horrible or anything, but when you’re under the effects of despair and anxiety the vitality is missing. When you’re down, each event seems to be a test of endurance. You push yourself, so instead of building memories, you’re on survival mode. It could be sunny, but its default gray inside. It’s an awful way to live, because life already feels foreshortened as it is.

I confess my motivation for going biking [in prior occasions] was based on getting my daughter out of the house, so she wouldn’t be bored -- so I wouldn’t feel guilt-ridden -- yet secretly I couldn’t wait for the ordeal to be over even before it started. Each part of it was equivalent to climbing a mountain while loathing every step. Does that make sense? It’s good to be experiencing recovery.


̴ Reflector

waves of anger and indignation

 “Most people tend to notice other people’s energy and actions before they notice their own. They become preoccupied with what others are doing or not doing, projecting their ideas about why they are that way. They carry on with criticism or comparisons, while their deeper feelings go unattended.” - Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman

In the beginning phase of my separation I rode on a wave of anger and indignation that provided fuel for a time. I looked forward to the day when I could break with the past and just move on. However, ending a relationship looks easier from a distance. The final showdown doesn’t ring victory. Your head fills with contradictory feelings that you can’t imagine.

Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman explain how we spend much of our emotional energy carelessly and have never been taught emotional self-care. We don’t even know where to begin or how to start. How true this has been in my life. My way of dealing with prolonged emotionally draining situations has been to sit the valley of indecision, hoping the problem will work itself out (while making the problem only worse and more ingrained). I want to stay in limbo, not wanting to finish what I started.

My therapist once said I needed to mourn my relationship even though it was destructive. I didn’t understand what relevance there could be mourning a bad marriage -- why would I do that? The therapist explained there is another kind of loss that has to do with mourning for what could have been, but never unfolded.

Ongoing Erruptions of Hostility

I feel pleased to be able to write that I had a productive week. Usually, I tend to plod along slower than I would like at work, but these last few days have been different that way. It's a great feeling to be on top of things, especially when you're not used to it.

I wish I had that kind of control over other areas of life -- that I could simply start over with minimum repercussions -- especially to my DD -- but such a peaceful process isn't always in my control.

Last Wednesday DD went out to a movie with some friends. After the show, I pick her up, but when we arrived at the front door to drop her off, MDM wasn't there, so we drove to my apartment instead. In the past, whenever DD's mother is out somewhere, DD and I will wait for a call then walk to a designated pick-up spot. However, that night MDM refused to cooperate, thus ending the evening on a sour note with one more episode of power playing.

I asked myself, "Why does MDM go out of her way to show unprovoked hostility and pettiness? What would it have cost to stop off at the side of the road for a couple of minutes? Then, I remembered who I was dealing with and why I broke the ties in the first place. I remembered her combative nature -- her tenacious sense of entitlement, disproportionate with reality.

I've been under the illusion for some years that somehow I could start life over again without it getting into messy loose ends -- without there being any conflicts of interest -- but I'm now suspecting there is no such a thing (for me anyway). Perhaps that is why I kept putting the divorce proceedings off, because I knew sooner or later I had to face the dark side of MDM and all the FOG she would dish out.

What's the lesson? Life sometimes has unpleasant episodes, not because we want them, but because dealing with PDs is inevitably a toxic endeavor, because sooner or later, you have to contradict that person's self-referenced world.

MDM's snubbing episode shed some light into another relational dynamic of the past that used to frustrate me -- a deeply ingrained pattern. Whenever I became angry (for any given reason) MDM would put up a wall. The message is that anger is never appropriate, so I usually end up feeling bad and apologize. The worst part is that DD has learned to do the same. She goes into her shell and refuses to interact, no matter how I try to draw her out.

I'm finally becoming aware it's okay to be angry even when others don't think so. Sometimes only you can give yourself that permission as long as that angry doesn't become destructive. As Alice Miller affirmed, "I don't have to look cheerful for someone else,and I don't have to suppress my distress or anxiety to fit other people's needs. I can be angry and no one will die or get a headache because of it." This is the emerging of the authentic self.

I received a painful letter from my daughter's mother today. I'll spare you the details that penetrated through my soul like a thousand poisonous darts. She wrote ten pages, but I couldn't even stomach the first two.

This impending conflict hung over me for years. Like many other necessary confrontations, this one was long overdue. However, I can't even take credit for the final showdown, because (in the end) it was a financial crisis that forced me to speak up. Since I'm too aware of her vindicitiveness, I usually fly under the radar. Anyway, I promised myself I would focus upon my responses to these adverse life events rather than getting into the blaming game... As strange as it may sound, today I feel free in the midst of all the threats and chaos.

For starters, I've been learning it's not enough to remove yourself physically from an abusive relationship, but emotionally too. It’s one thing to leave an abuser and quite another to do the inner work so your abuser leaves you. What people fail to understand is that a partner can take residence in your head so that his or her thoughts become yours. This in psychological terms is called introjection. Introjected beliefs are rarely if ever questioned.

Oh, another thing. Before I received this letter, I had a couple of “aha” moments to prepare me. I read two articles about emotional blackmail and I'd like to share the treasure chest of insights I jotted down (and in my teacher mode wrote them in summary form). I hope it hits home to you as it did to me.


• Any threat intended to cause fear, guilt or other emotional trauma if you do not comply is abuse.
• The victim of emotional blackmail is typically empathetic and kind.
• Victimizers attacks with rage, because they experience any kind of assertion as an attack on them.
• Some people are unfit to maintain an intimate relationship that a true partnership requires.
• It’s especially infuriating to be the rational one, who cannot payback at the same base level. The hardest job is to stay non-defensive and cool.
• Emotional blackmail is something no one who truly loves would do because it's a hideous form of manipulation
• It's used by mentally unstable persons
• This kind of power play hurts the child the most who is caught in the middle.

Thanks for reading this.

Red Flags

Whenever I mentioned to others how I stayed in an abusive marriage for 16 years, the classic response I'd get was why would anyone tolerate such a "relationship" for so long if it was so bad?


Letting go of an intensely harmful relationship is more complicated than it looks, because perpetrators can be as sweet and tender as they are hostile and self-absorbed. It's a lethal mix. They have a super natural ability to morph themselves in order to get what they want. They intuitively scan you up and down, knowing how to unlock the door to the heart saying all the right words you want to hear -- whatever gets the job done: sometimes sweetness, sometimes rage, sometimes coldness: never knowing which emotional state you are going to encounter.


Those of us who suffer from a low nurturance/conflictive FOO (family or origin) ... are more vulnerable to being hooked to this kind of person with highly unpredicable behaviours. The uncertainty registers as love or what we perceive as ¨love¨ from our childhood.


This is just one of many long-standing issues I’ve experienced. MDM not only suffered from bouts of jealousy, tantrums, possessiveness, lack of empathy, but also generated a force field of anxiety and tension being a Type A personality.


Red Flags:

MDM was especially skilled in using her powers to push me off balance or engulf me. To be in her emotional vicinity, was to be exposed to endless episodes of "gas lighting" and insecurity:

- was manipulative; exploiting my good will
- acting as if she was capable of empathy
- knew how to deplete my time, energy and financial assets
- demanded constant attention
- an underlying hostility just under the surface waiting to pounce on me with her famous fiery red glare
- concocted endless long-lasting accusations against my family of origin designed to alienate them or isolate me from their influence
- possessed a sophisticated radar to detect my soft spots rapidly. This emotional instability came across as a strong dose of disapproval where I end up compensating with all kinds of appeasing responses
- started arguments and thrived on conflict: addicted to the drama
- showed no motivation to do any internal work necessary to reconstruct trust and intimacy
-- Reflector

Hoovering

I learned the term, "hoover" means getting sucked into the same relationship even though you know in your heart it's hazardous to your health. It can happen over and over again if you're not grounded -- especially when you have co-parenting duties to fulfill on a daily basis. A few times I've been taken off guard getting into a friendly conversation with my stbxP. I find that until you have a specific vocabulary for a given dynamic, you are more liable to fall prey.

It's been my tendency to second guess myself, believing in grace -- that maybe I had been too harsh or too quick in my judgments of her. It's easy to forget the hellish world I lived through now that I have had time and space to recuperate my somewhat lost identity and emotional/physical health.

~ Reflector

Symptoms of PTSD

I've been reading in the support forums that PTSD is a common response to abusive relationships so I decided to select descriptors that applied to me. I have overcome some symptoms while others like social isolation and getting overwhelmed are still issues...

My PTSD symptoms:

"Difficulty “letting go” of the event, or dwelling on “what if?”
Feeling emotionally overwhelmed, or having emotions get out of control
Lack of interest in usual activities or hobbies; apathy
Withdrawing from family, friends, or coworkers; not wanting to talk
No interest in sex
Being irritable, jumpy, “on guard”, “wired”, or unable to relax
Feeling insecure around friends; feeling uncomfortable in crowds
Not wanting to be touched
Avoiding things that remind one of the traumatic experience
Feeling fearful or being afraid to leave home; panic attacks
Increased conflict with others
Difficulty concentrating or remembering things; poor attention span
Difficulty making decisions or solving problems
Confusion
Feeling like your going crazy
Feeling helpless
Clinging
Depression may also be present (feelings of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness, changes in sleeping or eating habits, difficulty making decisions, lack of energy)"

-- Reflector
Reference: PTSD Alliance / Anxiety Disorder Association of America www.adaa.org Aftershock (Slaby, 1989)

Paranoid Traits

"An abusive relationship is a lethal web of confusion, fear, promises, and hope. The complicated and dangerous process of getting out entails many challenges that people who have never been battered may not consider."

-- letswrap.com

Even though I've been separated from an abusive relationship for several years I often need to reinject myself with a reality check -- re-reading, re-educating myself about personality disorders in order to remind myself AFRESH about the trauma I lived. Perpetrators are experts at making you believe what you believe is a fabrication of your mind. They will approach you as if nothing ever happened between you.

My Reality Check:

Characteristics that match my ex-spouse:

-- is on guard, believing that others are constantly trying to demean, harm, or threaten her. These generally unfounded beliefs, as well as their habits of blame and distrust, might interfere with her ability to form close relationships....

-- Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are using or deceiving her
- Is reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that the information will be used against her
- Is unforgiving and hold grudges
- Is hypersensitive and take criticism poorly
- Reads hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others
- Perceives attacks on her character that are not apparent to others; she generally reacts with anger and is quick to retaliate
- Has recurrent suspicions, without reason, that her spouses is unfaithful
- Is generally cold and distant in her relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous
- Cannot see her role in problems or conflicts, believing she is always right
- Has difficulty relaxing
- Is hostile, stubborn, and argumentative..."
All PD descriptions were provided by http://my.clevelandclinic.org

~ Intuitive Feeling

Jotting Notes of Wisdom

As I'm reading comments from Lovefraud Blog, I wanted to jot down some important points that LF members are making so I would'nt have to back track later on. So, here they are in living color:

On Forgiveness
"...there can come a time when we realize our suffering has been our healing in a strange sort of way, for it has been the basis for re-centering and reforming a self that would have been less without it." EyeoftheStorm

"I not only wanted to heal myself from the damage of this relationship. I intended to accomplish a deep character transformation that would change the way I lived."
Kathleen Hawk

"I understand that pain of loneliness. But I also know that the loneliest place I’ve ever been was when I was “with” someone who I knew was not really present. I now know that I married a sociopath when I was 18, and stayed married for 6 years. I didn’t have a name for his control, jealousy, lack of love, lies, etc., etc. But I know that late in the marriage I got to a point where I couldn’t sleep without having one foot hanging out of the bed and touching the floor. (One foot on the floor, one foot out the door?) I would have unbidden thoughts of getting a room somewhere, anywhere, where I could just be alone — knowing that I would be less lonely in that room than in my marriage." Rune

“It is very difficult to accept the fact that there are no guarantees in life, no guarantees that life will progress as it should or that the people you care about will love you back, or even that they will treat you right. But trust in life does not mean trusting that life will always be good or that it will be free of grief and pain. It means that somewhere inside yourself you can find the strength to go forth and meet what comes and, even if you meet betrayal and disappointment along the way, go forth again the very next day.” Merle Shain

"I’d rather be alone than wish I were!" EyeoftheStorm

"I want to learn more about myself and strengthen my boundaries. I never want to tolerate disrespect again from a man. I want to act at the first sign instead of excusing it, being blind to it, believing lies that don’t make sense and then reacting to cruelty." Morgan

"...turn off the words in your mind. Feel the feelings, but turn off the word machine." KH

"Neuroscience indicates that anxiety and busy words exist in the same brainwave frequencies. Curiously, when we pray with words we can also continue to tie ourselves to those faster frequencies, but when we just drop into the experience, the feeling, and let go of the words, we are dropping into the slower frequencies where our nourishing intuition can reach us." Rune

"One way of describing trauma is that it is an unexpected breach of the rules we took for granted." Kathleen Hawk

"Forgiving is about trust at two levels. First, trust that certain bad things will happen. We can look at this statistically, if we’re inclined. A certain fraction of people we meet will be destructive emotional cripples. A certain fraction of things we buy will turn out to be unusable junk. A certain number of conversations with our relatives will include uninvited comments about our choices, our characters or our weight. Trusting that these things will happen eliminates the surprise factor and enables us to plan around these statistical likelihoods." Kathleen Hawk

On Trust

"I always felt that he was so much better than me because that was the unspoken feeling he always left me with." Housie

"I always felt that he was so much better than me because that was the unspoken feeling he always left me with." Betty

"I want a life that isn’t dragging me down with possessions and relationships that are not worth the time it costs to maintain them.”
K H

,”My children and I have the perfect give and take relationship, I give, and they take.” -- geminigirl

"You can do these two a favor by stopping all rewards for bad behavior. If they want anything from you, they can earn it." KH

"He took up residence in my brain and I am still wondering if I will ever be able to fully “evict” him." distraught

"And why? Because there was too much not to love about myself. Occasionally, somewhere between a second and third glass of wine, I was comfortable with myself. But in the sober light of day, evaluating both the interior of my mind and the evidence of my life, I could write long lists of where I fell short. I didn’t even know what loving myself would feel like But as a start, it would help if I weren’t so anxious all the time. If the anxiety didn’t make me so disorganized. If I could actually plan something and follow without getting distracted with worrying about whether I was going to get distracted and follow through. Sigh." KH

"My family are emotionally distant: do as they say, and I am (briefly) loved and accepted; disagree, and I am treated with coldness or entirely ignored. I don’t treat myself like that any longer — and what a shock it was to discover that I was being emotionally distant from myself by waiting for others to fulfill my emotional needs and not looking after them myself. The task and privilege of providing myself with acceptance and love, of becoming my own best friend, was always mine. I still frequently feel an almost overwhelming sense of loneliness, but I now choose my own company over abusive treatment." Betty

My stbx was emotionally distant: do as she said, and I'd be (briefly) loved and accepted; disagree, and I'd be treated with coldness or entirely ignored. What a shock it was to discover that I was being emotionally distant from myself by waiting for others to fulfill my emotional needs and not looking after them myself. The task and privilege of providing myself with acceptance and love, of becoming my own best friend, was always mine. I still frequently feel an almost overwhelming sense of loneliness, but I now choose my own company over abusive treatment.

"Maybe after we work on emotional freedom (not feeling responsible for other people’s feelings), we have to re-learn how to be a social person again." KH

it wasn’t so long ago that I couldn’t list my preferences, cause even my likes were catered to pleasing others first. Not any longer. betty


"And perhaps, it might be a good idea for you to think about what this distribution of labor has done to you. While everyone else’s is clanking around with their stiff upper lips, with emotional spectrums basically limited to feeling superior, feeling angry, laughing at other people, feeling aggrieved, taking care of themselves, you’re the one who’s feeling the rest of it — the empathy, the sorrow, the feelings of helplessness, the concern and wish to help. And you’re feeling it alone in this family, and trying to hold up the “right” of it, while everyone else denies these feelings exist. Labeling you in ways that reinforce the whole dichotomy, and that give you little opportunity to exercise their side of the spectrum... It sounds like this family has trained you to be soft and giving without thinking of yourself." HK

"I can’t ever understand why in the midst of these relationships, I don’t just stop and tell the person that I can’t DO whatever they are asking or that I am not happy in the situation as it is!! As pointed out in this article-working on my emotional independence must be the answer." sabrina

"I somehow convinced myself that as long as the peace was kept, my needs didn’t matter." SStiles

it sounds like you and I have similar backgrounds of taking on “project relationships” with people who are depressed, needy or manipulative. We think we can fix them and then we find ourselves slogging in the same swamp. Other than just “no,” my favorite boundary setting phrase is “that doesn’t work for me.” Before I knew about needs, it was just another form of “no.” Now I can add “I need this to be more fair to me, and here’s what would work for me... The thing about confrontation — the thing I think we’re so afraid of — is that it can be a power struggle, if we’re dealing with people who are heavily invested in having the power... It can feel like putting ourselves first if we’re dealing with people who don’t want us to put ourselves anywhere at all, except at their service...As I said, it can create some tension with people who, for whatever reason have problems with other people’s assertion of power over their own lives, but this is the way we graduate from being doormats to people who are respected and whose contributions bring good back to us. These are our lives. We are responsible for them. And if we don’t act like we care about what happens to us, we are showing people how we expect to be treated...Finally, if acting as though our needs are as important as anyone else’s draws personal attacks or any kind of violence or abuse toward us, it is a clear message that we are not in a safe place. There are a lot of levels of “safety.”...If we are clear in this way with our mothers, and they say, “Well, you always were the selfish one,” this is a personal attack. Arguing with this sort of thing is a form of condoning it. It makes more sense to point it out as a personal attack, and say that we are willing to discuss what she wants and needs, if she wants to share that information, but unless she can keep her unsolicited opinions to herself, this conversation is over...In verbally or emotionally abusive relationships, they will draw whatever techniques the other person uses to keep us submissive. The point here is not to endanger ourselves. We don’t need to fight with people we already know are invested in separating us from our legitimate needs.
What emotional freedom can do for us — and even toying with the idea privately in our minds without saying anything about it — is clarify what’s really going on here. That it is impossible for us to be whole human beings in this environment, and to motivate us to get out of it... These people are about nothing but their overblown needs masking their empty centers... This is only my opinion, and I think it requires a certain temperament or possibly a level of healing — I’m not sure which — to view environmental clean-up as part of our life work. We start by keeping them out of our lives. But an extension of that is making life difficult for cruising sharks... understand why this is so hard to do. It changes our relationship to them. Instead of being “perfect” and unselfishly committed to their needs, it makes us separate human beings with our own ideas, needs and wants. And this is something that I think we’ve been brutally trained not to show anyone else, if we’ve come from backgrounds of abuse. It takes tremendous courage to take that position, not least because we expect to be rejected or punished...But as a friend of mine, who is going through the difficult process of discovering that most of her existing friendships are not going to survive her personal growth, said to me yesterday, “I just can’t go back. I could have these relationships, if I were willing to be who I used to be. But I can’t go back.'”
KH

"It comes down to the fact that our actions (thru not standing up for ourselves) shows that we love the abuse more than we love ourselves. Very sad...This causes strife and conflict internally- we are upset and tend to blame ourselves that no one has spoke up for our needs, and are angry that we aren’t being courageous or strong enough to defend those needs. So in a way we are getting abused two- fold ,by our wishes being dismissed/ignored by the other person ,and our part of not attending to our needs or standing up for ourselves. " sabrina

Psychotherapy: Excerpts About the Games Abusers Play

As I read an article from Lovefraud.com, I couldn't help but identify with the following excerpts. The disordered person can be incredibly convincing to the untrained eye when it comes to "receiving therapy".

"And so... we have the illusion of a client who appears motivated to seek help and make a kind of sincere reckoning, but who, instead, uses therapy to manipulate her way out of the doghouse and restore the old leverage with which she’ll continue, sooner or later, to exploit in her customary style.

... we have sociopaths who play the-dedication-to-their-spiritual-development game. These are typically well-educated sociopaths with a polished psychological rap, who posture as committed spiritual seekers. Some of these sociopaths may go so far as to make a sort of cult—a seeming life mission—of their alleged spiritual development, raising irony and farce to new levels.

Summoning guises like Ms. Sensitive, Ms. Wounded, Ms. Relationship Builder, Ms. I’m-In-Touch-With Vulnerability, Ms. I’m-In-Recovery-From Co-Dependence, and countless other pseudo-evolved raps, these sociopaths can be magnets—and they know it—for genuinely vulnerable men seeking sensitive, emotionally available, vulnerable women with whom to partner in their own recovery."

-- Steve Becker

When Enough Is Enough

"Abusive behavior follows patterns. Batterers behave in highly stereotyped ways - the tension, the battering, the apology, the honeymoon, the tension. Emotional abusers behave in similarly patterned ways - ruin the holiday; ruin the birthday; spoil the accomplishment; demand all the attention at the wedding/funeral/bar mitzvah. If you learn to see the patterns, you will learn to see the abuse. If you see the abuse, you see the abuser. Once you see the abuse and the abuser, you will find that you can actually predict how the abuser will behave; once their behavior becomes predictable, you feel less helpless, have more of an opportunity to control your responses, and can then become free. It can be done."

~Pattern Recognition, Awareness, and Escape From Abuse

People ask me what finally made me decide that enough was enough? When did I reach my limit? Here is my answer:

One day while reading a book entitled, "Boundaries" by Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend I stumbled upon a list of feelings that made me reflect about whether I would leave or stay with L or not. I would go back to this list regularly and weigh each item until I began to see the whole picture instead of small incidents:

- I feel unhappy when I am with my partner, no matter how much time we spend together.
- I want to spend most of my time alone, away from my partner, even if I’ve spent little time with her during the week.
- I can cut the tension between the two of us with a knife.
- I find relief from this tension only when I am away from my partner.
- I feel emotionally distant from my partner, and not only doesn’t this worry me, I’m also not motivated to do anything about it.
- I spend more time thinking about getting out of my relationship than staying in it.
- I don’t trust my partner, and whatever he or she says or does, doesn’t convince me otherwise. - The thought of growing old with my partner frightens and depresses me.
- I’m not interested in telling my partner what I am thinking or feeling, because it just doesn’t matter any more.
- I feel as if I’m living with a stranger. What did I ever see in her in the first place? I feel numb.
- I no longer even get annoyed with my partner’s annoying behavior.

People have also asked me why I have remained separated rather than divorcing (for several years). It came down to an erroneous interpretation of the Scriptures believing divorce equated a state of perpetual adultery (and worse) – that no adulterers would enter God’s heaven. Though you might think this is an extreme view, it’s a common teaching in the evangelical circles. Looking at this now I realize I was being influenced by Nish preachers with Nish theology who serve an Nish god, yet at the time the guilt this line of thinking provoked almost crushed me.

I've been working on a collaborative separation that seeks toward a less traumatic ending and towards an amiable co-parental cooperation. I know I maybe asking for too much. I realize L may turn on her arsenal of vindictiveness on me once I take steps to get divorced. The legal system doesn’t help. Conscientious professionals have watched in horror, as this system of adversarial combat usually leaves no survivors.

-- Troubled Reflector

Letting Go…

I cannot change the awful events in my life, but I can work on replacing the messages that have emanated from those events. Also, I no longer need others to understand me as I once (desperately) expected them to. If someone comprehends I’m grateful! If not, that too is now acceptable.

Having lost a sense of self early on in the marriage, I became as invisible as I could, flying under the radar as much as possible -- making myself as small as I could to escape my ex-spouse's nasty tantrums. My anxiety grew so large that if I saw an acquaintance on the street, I’d walk on pretending not to notice him or her, because I simply did not have the strength to interact. I stopped caring how I appeared, whether my hair was cut well or not, what clothes I had on... Any photographs taken of me during this period revealed the empty eggshell existence. There was no sparkle in my eyes, not even a trace of joy or spontaneity… Friends could see how I lived in sadness and depression more than I could. The reflection in their eyes told me something was wrong, but I was too numb to figure out what was going on. I couldn’t see how trapped I had become into the role of good husband/rescuer/loving father while at the same time playing submissive/appeaser/follower.

It’s not that every day spilled over with nightmarish scenes coz my daughter's mother could be as sweet and tender as she could be cruel and self-absorbed. In fact it only took one or two triggering events or meltdowns over the course of several months to remind me who was in control. It was as if two personalities resided inside one body, never knowing which one I was going to encounter – kinda like a Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde syndrome. It’s what counsellors refer to as cycles of abuse – a mix of BITTER/sweet to confuse and disorient the victim.

Those of us who suffer from a low nurturance/conflictive families of origin... are much more vulnerable to becoming hooked to this kind of controlling personality although people from loving homes can also fall. For me the highly unpredictable behaviours registered as love or what I perceived as ¨love¨ coz as a child I witnessed so much out-of-control drama. All of this amounts to a lot of ambiguity that takes years to shake.

The challenge of washing away the contamination of pain, self-condemnation, exploitation and anger has been rewarding. The underlying motive that now compels me through each day is the search for validation, restoration and connectedness -- seeking to share rich, satisfying, deeper-level thoughts and feelings with those who want to listen or who have faced a somewhat similar nameless monster.
© Reflector 2008

Unsolicited iNadequacy...

Inadequacy has been an unsolicited companion since childhood. Actually, I viewed her as a permanent resident. I even used to have recurrent dreams where it took center stage. There were several scenarios yet all of them produced somewhat the same sensation: Sometimes I'd be preaching before a congregation I never had seen, however, I didn't have a Bible with me and couldn't remember the text I was to preach from.


Sometimes I'd find myself in a park area I had never been to before where I was wearing only pyjamas, yet had to make my way past the police that surrounded the area to get back home.

Sometimes I'd be in an unfamiliar High School writing a math exam having no idea how to answer the unintelligible equations that were staring me in the face. Sometimes I’d be involved in hockey (as a youth) but hadn’t brought the appropriate equipment so I'd have to sit on the sideline and just watch.



When I used to have these dreams I could feel the tension go through my whole body, I’d sweat only to later realize it was just a dream, but a dream that revealed so much about my emotional/psychological makeup.



Don Miller, a Christian writer, writes about this same tendency.  He describes how he tends to second guess himself about too many things… whether or not his ideas are right … whether or not people like him… whether he will get married or not …whether his future girl will leave him if he does marry… whether his car is fashionable enough, … and whether he sounds like an idiot when he speaks in public.


How about you? Do you suffer from inadequacy?


© Reflector 2008

Intimacy: God's laboratory...

Life has a way of throwing curve balls at us. It´s often hard to distinguish just how much of what we feel is real and how much is just our imagination running wild. I think that is what I find so consoling about God´s laboratory, the one we call, ¨intimacy¨.

I wrote a friend just recently how close friends can impact life so that we feel as though their tears or triumphs were our own. When we establish closeness we are permitted to experience the soul from the poet's deep and unveiled viewpoint. Humans have a great urge to go off on the unbeaten path in search for truth -- with our serendipitous and often bumbling tenacity for exploration. Intimacy to me represents that tortuous internal journey of perpetual discovery.

It's odd how one moment we can be strong writing or helping a friend and in another moment feeling like the seams of my life are unfastening before us with all the raw emotions exposed. Sometimes I am in that hole and will need you to pull me out and sometimes you are in the pit.

Many people wonder how we can find God without falling into an array of religious trappings and patterned responses, but seeking, truly seeking the truth as it reflects upon life. I believe the answer is found in deeper level friendships. For example, I am fighting internally with myself these days. I need to deal with a self-contradicting syndrome that I now perceive in myself. What do I do when a part of me wants to be a drifter ... while the other part desires to belong and finally get rooted?

I know that the confusion and complexity of life is inevitable, yet what is not inevitable is to be able to approach life with a tender yet courageous heart... far, far away from the stale, patterned responses that are numb and mechanical. When we are able to share our affliction with another, we often feel the burden lifted.

Lastly, I think our closeness with Jesus Christ is reflected in how we grow close to others. We cannot hope to find intimacy with God being isolated from others, just as we cannot hope to find intimacy with others being isolated from God. It´s not meant to be a either/or decision, but both areas working together side by side. It's taking me some time to grow close to others after being traumatized by a disorder personality, but I'm determined to get integrated again one day.

© Reflector 2007

Through the valley...

There is no graceful way to say this… it’s so easy to write when we’re inspired, but I´ve been so out of it lately. Separation brings on it’s own brand of isolation …some of it my own choosing, some of it part of the transition process. It´s a lonely process because no one can feel the hurt for me.

I remember hitting this low state back in 1988. Part way through each day I would get that sinking-weakened feeling that I had to find a hiding place to pray and recover. I’ve been needing to do it again… closing the doors to the art room in order to pray. I know feeling hurt is part of life or we’d never know what dependency upon God could mean nor compassion for those who go through the valley. The rainy season is almost over.