Understanding Vulnerability to Abuse

Graph credit: www.utahcounty.org

"From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape." ~ Donna Anderson

If you've ever questioned why abusive relationships are harder to get over than healthy ones, then Donna Anderson's latest article "Getting Over that Amazing 'Chemistry'" may offer some insightful consolation. Since everyone's situation differs, not all the arguments she expresses need apply.

Dear Donna,

I'm aware my experience differs vastly from yours.  Although I can relate in principle to your life story, I didn't have to deal with an extreme sociopath as you did, but rather a subtle and covert abuser. To be honest, I don't know which of the two is more baffling. My ex-partner seemed decent, caring and committed on the outside, but underneath she was self-absorbed, suspicious, hypervigilant, exploitative and hostile. This discrepancy led me on my journaling journey to make sense of this sweetness/cruelty remix or else go insane. This crazy-making dynamic is aptly depicted above in the visual graphic -- as you know... what counsellors call, "Cycles of Abuse".

The Article:

What resonated with me was your accurate description of traumatic childhood experiences as a way of priming the target so that abuse feels normal. You refer to this fatal dynamic as traumatic bonding. You also mention love-bombing tactics that abusers use so that when a target is favored, the sun shines, but when he or she falls out of grace, the Ice Age begins.

These cycles of abuse often pushed me into a tormenting role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet [minus the sublime poetry, royal intrigue, strewn corpses and tragic bloody ending]. After each “Explosion” I’d put on an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of myself. I breathed a peculiar kind of calm because I didn't have to walk on eggshells as I usually did. I’d go for long walks alone; I'd interact with strangers on the street; I’d get a small suitcase and carefully pack some clothes, important documents and other essentials, as if to prepare for a quick getaway; I'd sit near my daughter's bed at night and cry as if to mourne that symbolic exile...

Getting back to the article, you leave your readers with some helpful homework: You finish by saying that healing and restoration involve exploring the root of our past and how that background may be connected in making us vulnerable to abusive relationships. This is painstaking work, especially if fear, obligation and guilt [FOG] are clouding our vision.  As the Christian theologian and philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard asserted: “[T]he truth is not so quick on its feet.” -- meaning if we want to reach out for truth, we need to work at it diligently, unashamedly and tenaciously.

Thanks Donna for your life commitment to helping others,
~ Reflector

Climbing Down

In order to get the most out of this post please take a moment to look at the cartoon image I included to illustrate the illogical idea of ¨climbing down¨. Some people use this phrase when he or she really means stepping down. This is an oxymoron* and there are hundreds of other examples.

The point is that if you climbed down, you’re body would be in a verticle crawling position that only an insect or perhaps a rodent is capable of achieving. Anyway, as I read some old correspondence I began feeling queasy in the stomach as if I were ¨climbing down¨. I had nothing to do one afternoon, so I began reading old correspondence I had stored away in my computer…

I’m referring to a cybernetic friendship that went by the wayside in a few weeks – one of my first attempts to connect with someone from another country. The friendship turned to a default gray and could never be reactivated no matter how much I rearranged my carefully-sculpted thoughts. I think it died because we shared too much, too soon.

No matter what reason… I got annoyed at myself to the point that I had to skim rather than read it through. The editor in my head doggedly began reproaching me through each and every agonizing line that I can’t believe I wrote such squishy-squashy stuff. A debate precipitated round and round in my head: Why does time and perspective make some of our written thoughts appear so half-baked? Is it a sign of growth to detect such things? Maybe I second guess myself too much. Ugh!

© Reflector 2007

P.S. If you’re interested in knowing more about Oxymorons, they’re composed of two words that contradict one another, yet are used together from time to time out of habit or sloppy English: Oxy in Greek means wise and moron means dumb.