when hard feelings prevail

The Italian elderly man wore the face of an ancient patriarch as he marched out orders in his broken English. He urgently needed to renew something he no longer really needed. Carefully, he monitored every move as his middle-aged son drove him to his destination.

“Turn right. Not that way. Bend the wheel further or you'll hit that car.
Stop in front of the yellow post.
No. Not there… closer to the entrance.”

Caught in this hail storm of directives, the son felt more like teenager than a veteran driver in his fifties. When things didn’t go his way, the elderly man broke out into something part way between a tantrum and a panic attack. That day was no exception. When asked respectfully to calm down, he got hot and defensive and sulked silently in resentment the rest of the way home.

When they returned the ordeal apparently had only begun. The elderly man wanted to justify his behavior while his son wanted to hear no more. Both men exchanged harsh words that resulted in some out-of-control behavior. Finally, as if entering a temporary state of insanity, the elderly man broke out into a torrent of verbal abuse and curses as one pours acid into a fish tank.

The days that followed ticked away painfully slow as everyone retreated to their corner. Heaviness mingled with restless thoughts. Father muttering something to himself; son trying to block out his father's despair. The rest of the family were ineptly caught between the two opposing forces.

When it comes to family conflicts, the redemptive lessons hide themselves like insects of the night. You can't distinguish the guilty from the innocent; the abuser from the injured. It's tempting to sweep it under the carpet. It’s easier to focus on the irrational and combative behavior while forgetting the destructive inner brooding that can wear out the physical and emotional self. The concept of forgiveness can become insurmountable because it’s often muddled up with religious clichés. What remains clear, is that no one can win while hard feelings prevail.

Growing Out of the Dependent Character Type

"Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation." -- Steve Becker

Today I began reading some old notes (by Dr. David Viscott) that I had jotted down, yet even though I knew they were written in my own handwriting, it was as if I was reading them for the first time (see list below). They turned on a lightbulb inside. I felt great comfort to see the progress I have I made -- the green items representing issues I've overcome, while in the blue areas I experience some ups and some downs. Finally, the red items are the most painful to read, because they mirror the work I still have ahead...

As I review the list, I understand why we can be our my worst enemy (in a way) -- leaving ourselves open as an easy target. However, I'd rather see the half-full glass and say... today I'm less of a target than I used to be.

"The Dependent Character Type:

- difficulty expressing hurt in a timely fashion
- doubts his lovability
- his own anger chafes at his self-esteem
- continually asks others for reassurance
- tends to drown in his own feelings
- his “giving” is really taking in disguise
- since he is so needy for continual show of love, he finds it difficult to hear others’ complaints
- has problems maintaining boundaries
- doesn’t want any boundaries to exist
- his wish to be close causes him to disregard his safety and best interests
- he is always hoping the other will change
- he is driven to always make it all better
- his yearning for love-at-all costs is crippling
- it’s hard to learn his lesson – to love himself by himself
- he apologizes even when he is the one who was attacked or hurt
- concerned about being taken care of, he neglects to take care of himself
- he traps himself in a rigid pattern of obligatory giving that drains his energy and makes him bitter

- he usually chooses a controlling person as his life partner
- though he keeps anger to himself, his anger is palpable
- does for some what he needs to do for himself
- sometimes has difficulty defending himself

- he loses others’ respect and invites more abuse

- he feels rejected when others are not paying enough attention

- sometimes feels undeserving to reach out to others

- tends to see others’ positive emotions as a reward for being lovable

- when others do not feel good about themselves, he sometimes takes it personally

- doesn't explore his own opportunities enough since he invests so much in others

- he thinks he needs another to be his best, to assuage his hurt

- usually his boundaries are trespassed when he appeals for affection

- allows himself to be trapped into proving himself "

-- Troubled Reflector

A little about my personality...

The underlying motivation that drives me is intimacy looking for connection - sharing rich, satisfying, deep emotions. I enjoy dedicating time, effort, and typically inconveniencing myself to order to develop and maintain meaningful relationships. This need to connect, to be understood and to be accepted, especially applies to significant others.

Also, everything I do tends to be quality-based, or I prefer not to do it at all. I am loyal to friends, employers, colleagues, and above all to my significant other. As one author put it, whomever I tend to ¨commit to¨ happens to be/become my ¨sole (and soul) focus¨. I enjoy serving and giving freely in order to nurture or encourage others.

I don’t know if this area is a strong point or weak…I also tend to be overprotective. My code of ethics is strong and I expect others (not only my partner and those closest to me, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives. I enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with my partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, etc.,).

I have that natural ability to make people feel important. I tend to be selfless, and my first thought is "how will this affect others?" When planning something such as an anniversary dinner or a birthday party, I detest to go through the same old routine that everyone else does. I have a flair for the creative and I have a sense of how to create an ambiance by adding special touches that I know will be just right for the occasion. For example, I might have personalized gifts that I have sculpted or painted or you might recreate something meaningful that happened previously in your relationship. I enjoy making even ordinary things extra special and endearing.

The areas where I need improvement: I tend to be overly guilt-prone, and so if I’m doing things that to me don’t seem purposeful, I feel guilty about it. I tend to require a justifiable reason to just play and enjoy life - which usually defeats the purpose and makes it feel unnatural or forced to others in your life. My tendency is to be high-strung, and I need to learn to relax and enjoy life.

I’m sensitive, and by default, usually too tactful… I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m so tactful that I replay conversations (yea that eternal debate) in my head over and over and over. I spend ages beating myself up about things I've said or should have said or done when I can't change any of it. Many people speak their mind all the time and don't think twice about it. The problem is that if I don’t create enough space for myself, I sometimes get overwhelmed by too much interpersonal contact that in given moment I overreact about something insignificant at the time, but which has been building up.

© Troubled Reflector 2007