wearing a mask

“The kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force.”  Matthew 11:12

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wearing a mask
drains emotional energy
until eventually
all sense of spontaneity
becomes eroded
it places you
in long-term acting roles
where you feign
presence and enjoyment

-- intuitivefeeling

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"No matter how difficult it may seem, make the choice to live consciously. Do not succumb to that half-conscious realm of fear-based thinking, filling your life with distractions to avoid facing what you feel in those silent spaces between your thoughts. Either exercise your human endowment of courage and progressively build the strength to face your deepest, darkest fears to live as the powerful being you truly are, or admit your fears are too much for you, and embrace life as a mouse. But make this choice consciously and with full awareness of its consequences. If you are going to allow fear to win the battle for your life, then proclaim it the victor and forfeit the match. If you simply avoid living consciously and courageously, then that is equivalent to giving up on life itself, where your continued existence becomes little more than a waiting period before physical death - the nothing as opposed to the daring adventure." -- Steve Pavlina

Note: Steve Pavlina is an independent thinker with some fresh ideas. However, I do not endorse his ideas about religion nor anything about open "love relationships". 

when dreams depart

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When it comes to traumatic events, sometimes the underlying issues are obscured even to those who experienced them. The most anyone can do is to be as objective as humanly possible, trusting he has made the best evaluation possible.

It's usually with apprehension he opens his wounds to anyone, for just as the support of a friend can hold him steady, the disparaging of the latter can throw him into an abyss. At first he seeks support from anyone who'll listen, but eventually comes to realize the subject at hand is foreign to the general public. He therefore devotes large chunks of time to understanding what went wrong and its effects upon interpersonal relationships, health and personal growth.

I came to realize as long as you live with some people in an Gilligan-Island existence, all is love and peace. To the public eye it is difficult to perceive there are human beings who are incapable of sustaining long term friendships except nominally. Some will work day and night to sabotage your connections by 1) seeking to poison your view of others and 2) absorbing your energy with a long list of demands.

Some people also inflict terror so eventually a flash of the eyes is all that is needed.  Cycles of abuse consist in measured doses of sweetness and calm, that eventually lead to periods of tension and hostility, that eventually erupt into verbal attacks. As Darlene Lancer says, "The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so that you deny or forget them."

This shift back and forth, can push you into a role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet. After each “explosion” he’s walk about in an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of himself.  While to others the list below may seem to be a collection of cold clinical data, to me each trait is a condensed prompt that elicits more distressing personal stories.

-- Intuitive Feeling

Paranoid Personality Disorder -- ICD-10 is characterized by the following traits:

- excessive sensitivity to setbacks and rebuffs;
- tendency to bear grudges persistently, i.e. refusal to forgive insults and injuries or slights;
- suspiciousness and a pervasive tendency to distort experience by misconstruing the neutral or friendly actions of others as hostile or contemptuous;
- a combative and tenacious sense of personal rights out of keeping with the actual situation;
- recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding sexual fidelity of spouse or sexual partner;
- tendency to experience excessive self-importance, manifest in a persistent self-referential attitude;

- preoccupation with unsubstantiated "conspiratorial" explanations of events both immediate to the patient and in the world at large.

-- The World Health Organization

 

Understanding Vulnerability to Abuse

Graph credit: www.utahcounty.org

"From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape." ~ Donna Anderson

If you've ever questioned why abusive relationships are harder to get over than healthy ones, then Donna Anderson's latest article "Getting Over that Amazing 'Chemistry'" may offer some insightful consolation. Since everyone's situation differs, not all the arguments she expresses need apply.

Dear Donna,

I'm aware my experience differs vastly from yours.  Although I can relate in principle to your life story, I didn't have to deal with an extreme sociopath as you did, but rather a subtle and covert abuser. To be honest, I don't know which of the two is more baffling. My ex-partner seemed decent, caring and committed on the outside, but underneath she was self-absorbed, suspicious, hypervigilant, exploitative and hostile. This discrepancy led me on my journaling journey to make sense of this sweetness/cruelty remix or else go insane. This crazy-making dynamic is aptly depicted above in the visual graphic -- as you know... what counsellors call, "Cycles of Abuse".

The Article:

What resonated with me was your accurate description of traumatic childhood experiences as a way of priming the target so that abuse feels normal. You refer to this fatal dynamic as traumatic bonding. You also mention love-bombing tactics that abusers use so that when a target is favored, the sun shines, but when he or she falls out of grace, the Ice Age begins.

These cycles of abuse often pushed me into a tormenting role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet [minus the sublime poetry, royal intrigue, strewn corpses and tragic bloody ending]. After each “Explosion” I’d put on an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of myself. I breathed a peculiar kind of calm because I didn't have to walk on eggshells as I usually did. I’d go for long walks alone; I'd interact with strangers on the street; I’d get a small suitcase and carefully pack some clothes, important documents and other essentials, as if to prepare for a quick getaway; I'd sit near my daughter's bed at night and cry as if to mourne that symbolic exile...

Getting back to the article, you leave your readers with some helpful homework: You finish by saying that healing and restoration involve exploring the root of our past and how that background may be connected in making us vulnerable to abusive relationships. This is painstaking work, especially if fear, obligation and guilt [FOG] are clouding our vision.  As the Christian theologian and philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard asserted: “[T]he truth is not so quick on its feet.” -- meaning if we want to reach out for truth, we need to work at it diligently, unashamedly and tenaciously.

Thanks Donna for your life commitment to helping others,
~ Reflector

Emotional Dependency

Photo credit: http://www.heyjosh.com/

I’ve been reading David Viscott’s, “Emotional Resilience: Simple Truths for Dealing with the Unfinished Business of Your Past.” After reading it over twice, I wonder about the subtitle, because for me there is nothing simple about dealing with the past. It's painfully complex, tiring, tedious and elusive. It requires questioning assumptions and coping mechanisms -- if that's at all possible.  However, Viscott compensates for what I consider this initial slip through his deeper understanding of the undercurrents of human interaction.

When Viscott refers to emotional dependence, he describes my family background with accuracy. As a result of this unsolicited “heritage” I have a mix of avoidant and co-dependent issues. Today, in this post I've jotted some reflections from reading Viscott, dividing my thoughts and feelings in two categories: In the first paragraph I mention the dependent traits that hit me hardest in my marriage while in the second category I deal with areas that still affect me in the present.

My wish to be close to my ex-wife caused me to disregard my safety and best interests, holding on to the relationship long after experience had revealed the truth. Once committed and enmeshed, I put up with considerable abuse. Maybe a list can help show how dependence led me down the dark alley of emotional debilitation:  1) I neglected self care. 2) I let down my guard in exchange for a few crumbs of affection. 3) I admitted wrong when I had no reason. 4) I did not see self-reliance as an alternative.

In the present, my main concern as Viscott states is that "others see me as loveable". Everything I am hinges upon this "need:  1) I suffer from guilt and as a result have difficulty expressing hurt in a timely fashion. 2) When others do not feel good about themselves, I take responsibility for it. 3) In my subconscious I still believe I need another person to be complete -- again quoting Viscott "to be my best, to assuage my hurt, to be comforted and loved".  4) Because I'm obsessed with the idea of diminishment I can slip into a scarcity mode. 5) I avoid "taking actions that may cause me to lose favor with others". [I'm aware how I fall prey to others' opinions, being vulnerable to changing my initial belief. For example, I have to guard against reading hardcore conservatives that defend marriage at all costs, who view the institution above the individual]. 6) Doubting my lovability and needing reinforcement, I have to work double hard to act on my own. For instance, several years I resisted the idea of initiating the process of divorce, putting it off in my mind until I had a new love in my life. To think of the brutal task of divorce without someone supporting me from start to finish seemed too unbearable. Fortunately, I found the resolve to finish what I started, but it wasn't easy and still have bouts of ambiguity. Part of me is thankful I'm out the relationship, while the other part of me questions whether I was too hard on her.

By nature then, I’m a people pleaser. I care what others think and this fear of being rejected often compromises my judgement. Sometimes I get emotionally blocked when I need to be in tune and aware. This makes me susceptible to being blindsided. Rather than defend myself, I tend to display my injury, as if doing so will cause the person who is hurting me to repent.

̴  Intuitive Feeling

The Subjective Inner World of the Survivor

logo by quail christian survivor org...

"... I’ve come to believe that healing myself is one of the best things I can do for the people I love, because it makes me sensitive to the right things and gives me the ability to be truly compassionate, without getting sidetracked by my own stuff." ~ Lovefraud Forum Member
In the early stages of my healing journey, I sought therapeutic help anywhere I could find it: from anyone that would listen -- only to feel more misunderstood than before. It took some time to realize that the subject of emotional trauma is a subject too alien for the general public. As one adult abuse victim wrote:

"I don’t think ... people are so uncaring as uninformed... I think we’re exploring the facets of an unacknowledged issue... We are dealing with a spectrum of special cases that are not yet well understood by even very competent therapists who do very well dealing with other issues... The more I say, 'I didn’t ask for it! I didn’t see it coming!' the more I hear, 'What is your role in creating this?' ... Many of us ... are fragile, with wounds that are still raw." ~ Kathleen Hawk
There’s lots of information about trauma on the net from the experts, but little that explores the subjective inner world of the survivor. I find reading other stories helps me to piece together my own puzzle. I realize the road to recovery demands many complex skills and tools beyond will power. It requires close self-examination, educating oneself and discarding old and familiar coping strategies. It entails facing the pain of vulnerability and the courage to reintegrate and serve others.

Thanks to the services of sitemeter.com I know that dear readers do visit reading bits and pieces... If you know about other blogs about trauma, please contact me.

~ Reflector

Contact Info: eyes.openwide (at) hotmail.com

My Father's Aloofness Part II

Photo Credit: "I always felt that I needed to work much harder than other people did in order to feel and be loved." -- Christine Anne Platel

Connecting feeling to the past is painful because my father didn't know how to connect with me. Men of his generation (and before) had to be tough and just bear the hardships without complaining. No one had any right to enjoy anything for very long without a dark long shadow looming large. Now, as an adult survivor I have a hard time believing anyone wants me around. I never acknowledged this state-of affairs. How would you called it? The loss of...?

The best title I can offer is the "the loss of feeling wanted" Perhaps it's not a loss, because I don't know if I ever had the feeling in the first place. Now, my wounded inner child screams for attention, seeking ways to compensate for the love deficit of my childhood -- hypervigilantly looking for signs of rejection: long pauses in conversations, bored looks, short replies or smiles that are meant to create distance.

underdog outlook...

Some of us believe we have to have someone beside ourselves to tell us how wonderful we are or else we go into a state of deep sadness. With our self-esteem extrinsically based, the idea of being loved gives us a feeling of euphoria, but on the flip side, we plunge into despair whenever the positive feedback pauses or ceases altogether. We often needlessly carry these intense feelings inside in self-punishing ways.

What's important to realize is that this inner state of turmoil is quite common and many people around us experience similar bouts of anguish, so we need not despair into believing we are alone or we are some awful phenomenon who is destined to live in the shadows without hope for finding enduring love. What we need to recognize is that the most formidable obstacle is inside us.  It's important to choose friends who will bring out the best in us so we feel secure around them.

-- intuitivefeeling