Self Possession

My aspiration has always been to approach soul connections from a position of healing and strength, rather than emotional dependency emanating  from the wounded self. What I’m learning during is to build friendships not by coercing other into responding favorably, but about sensitivity, waiting and listening. Those of us who come from an emotionally void childhood are especially susceptible to expecting too much from others. We move mountains in order to hold on to someone even when there is no reciprocity... but rather something we’ve conjured up.

The way of constructing friendship involves knowing how to be still rather than following the impulses of the erratic heart. It’s easy for our human nature to find excuses to delay our stay in the name of helping the object of our attention rather than accepting the reality that this or that person may not be our match as we imagined them to be.

© IF 2008

Sincere

The word “sincere” comes from Roman civilization. Although the Romans had learned their culture and art from the Greeks, the Romans differed in their view point. For instance, when it came to sculpting on stone marble, the Greeks had the tradition of filling in the imperfections of the marble with a hard and resistant wax so that statues looked faultless.

The Romans, however, chose not to apply wax, but preferred to let the flaws show. Thus, the term “sin cera” was carried over as a synonym for authenticity.

© TR 2007

Bring out the best in each other...

Have you ever thought how different people bring out different facets of yourself? Sometimes our thoughts become so consumed with anxiety, helplessness or loneliness. In those moments, it helps to be able to change the cassette and one way I do that is to think about that special significant friend or friends that bring out the best in me. Do you have a clear image of who that person might be? I do and when I think of her I feel at ease, that I don’t have to perform, but just be myself... it’s the best feeling ever!

A friend recently wrote me a letter about what she referred to as her ¨authentic selves¨. Amaka thinks different aspects of her come forth depending on whom she is with, but these aspects are all essentially her. When she is with her Mom for instance it brings out the "mischief" in her but not in a bad way. Her mother loves to laugh and my friend loves to hear it... Her sister, on the other hand, brings out the analyst in my friend. They sit and really talk about this or that person and their characteristics. With her eldest brother it´s the tender side that dominates, cuddly feelings with lots of hugging. I found her comments intriguing because I had received some verses from one of my students basically highlighting the same line of thinking and both of these persons have no connection with each other.

© Troubled Reflector 2007

Some People

Isn't it strange some people make
You feel so tired inside,
Your thoughts begin to shrivel up
Like leaves all brown and dried!
But when you're with some other ones,
It's stranger still to find
Your thoughts as thick as fireflies
All shiny in your mind!

—Rachel Field

People
Some people talk and talk
and never say a thing.
Some people look at you
and birds begin to sing.
Some people laugh and laugh
and yet you want to cry.
Some people touch your hand
and music fills the sky.

—Charlotte Zolotow

Surrogate therapist...

“Paradoxically, an emotionally excessive relationship is not necessarily caring or sensitive. It may be based on the need for reassurances, security, and undying devotion from your partner. This kind of emotionally overloaded relationship involves taking but not giving. The excessively emotional partner will try in vain to get self-love and self-esteem from her partner that she doesn’t have in herself.” --- Mary and John Valentis

This excerpt impacted me as I’ve left an emotionally excessive relationship where I surrendered my identity. This post originated from a letter I had written a friend. I had to explain to this friend how sorry I was for using her as a substitute therapist. I see it now. It was a most unproductive attempt at getting self-love and self-esteem … especially because it came from the outside. I didn’t mean to act this way, and it put pressure upon her to be play a roll that didn't correspond to her at all. Believe me, I hadn’t questioned these kinds of behaviors till now.

It’s easy to find a safe haven in someone else rather than doing the necessary alone-work of internal assessment and reevaluation to cultivate inner strength and character. What’s more, I was using “Romance” as a pretext to distract me from the internal journey of healing which needed to take place -- alone, without artificial supports.

Others can offer a listening ear for a time,
But the work is ultimately mine.

© TR 2006