“Instant- Anything” is an Illusion

After more than three years of living the separated life, I’m getting past the stage of desperation and heading toward serenity and self confidence. I’m not referring to the glamorously vogue self-confidence with its extravagant smile. Most people probably wouldn’t notice much difference if they saw me in real life due to my serious and reserved persona. Yet something new is happening inside me. When it comes to starting a new relationship, it no longer sits well with me to open up too soon as I was accustomed in the past. I no longer feel the necessity of being known intimately unless I have a more substantial basis. I think it's hard to explain how you see things and why you do what you do to someone who is a stranger to you. The reality is that letting it all hang out in one sitting is not the answer to achieving intimacy. “Instant-anything” is an illusion. Lasting relationships are like layers of varnish applied to fine wood: one fine layer at a time.

I have intense feelings and insightful thoughts. I also have a great need to be heard, yet I treasure my privacy and only open up to a few people as introverts tend to do. Ironically however, once I do make a connection, I tend to go overboard in the opposite direction. I become an open book. It can get so intense that if that connection is threatened in any way, I feel as if my life line has been unplugged. It’s as if all meaning were being funneled through that significant other to give life its color. That’s why the following quote struck a sensitive inner cord inside me:

“By learning to love and care for ourselves, we diminish the risk of starving for someone else to fill the void within our souls; a void that only we can truly fill.” -- Sherry Obenauer

To translate feelings into verbal language is arduous, so I congratulate Sherry for the potent way she describes humanity’s relational conundrum. “Starving” is exactly how it feels. It’s a silent agonizing. Personally, I’ve always had this deep-seated doubt whether I would ever connect with a special someone on a deeper level. It’s because it’s difficult even for me to understand myself – let alone expect someone else to. I live a rather paradox life. I can be over-connected one moment, then detached in another. I go from one extreme to the other and cannot always control on which side I may find myself. This deep need for alone time can be a problem if the other person does not appreciate it's my way of refueling, rather than a reflection about her worth. However, thanks to Obenauer, I’m learning something quite revolutionary: Life and love is complete with or without a partner.

When we’ve been alone awhile, we learn to love ourselves and so we approach life from a perspective of strength rather than desperation. We no longer feel the need to coerce, even with subtle bribes. People find us more attractive because we’re content with life as it is. We’re able to accept the ebb and flow of life; the highs and lows without bemoaning.

As I continued reading Obenauer’s article, it begged a decisive question: Who would I be without the thought that my sense of wellbeing depends upon someone else?

Now that I’m on the path back to singleness again, I have had to redefine myself in a couple-oriented world and that’s a daunting mission because culture confuses love with dependency. Dependency (or Romantasy), is the polar opposite of love. It seeks to trap happiness in a cage, seeking breezy, dreamy and euphoric horizons. The sentimental subtexts read, “I only find happiness in you.” Or “My life without you would be meaningless.” While the words sound sweet accompanied by music, the lived experience is a let down. Sherry sums up her commentary by saying,

“The purpose of entering into a relationship should be to share oneself with another person as opposed to trying to get from someone what is lacking in ourselves. Expecting someone else to fill in the gaps usually results in grave disappointments, a sense of failure, and endless resentment.”
-- Sherry Obenauer

Once upon a time I wanted to believe that even an antagonistic mate could learn to love, even if I had to sacrifice my mental and physical health in the process. I’m learning not to place my sense of well being in another person’s hand (as if my life depended upon it). After all, it’s our self-concept that dictates our boundaries and how we allow people to treat us. I’m grateful for the opportunity to reexamine my assumptions in order to breathe more freely.

--- Troubled Reflector

Reference: Article by Sherry Obenauer “Today's Happy Single”

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/article/happy-single

Intimacy: God's laboratory...

Life has a way of throwing curve balls at us. It´s often hard to distinguish just how much of what we feel is real and how much is just our imagination running wild. I think that is what I find so consoling about God´s laboratory, the one we call, ¨intimacy¨.

I wrote a friend just recently how close friends can impact life so that we feel as though their tears or triumphs were our own. When we establish closeness we are permitted to experience the soul from the poet's deep and unveiled viewpoint. Humans have a great urge to go off on the unbeaten path in search for truth -- with our serendipitous and often bumbling tenacity for exploration. Intimacy to me represents that tortuous internal journey of perpetual discovery.

It's odd how one moment we can be strong writing or helping a friend and in another moment feeling like the seams of my life are unfastening before us with all the raw emotions exposed. Sometimes I am in that hole and will need you to pull me out and sometimes you are in the pit.

Many people wonder how we can find God without falling into an array of religious trappings and patterned responses, but seeking, truly seeking the truth as it reflects upon life. I believe the answer is found in deeper level friendships. For example, I am fighting internally with myself these days. I need to deal with a self-contradicting syndrome that I now perceive in myself. What do I do when a part of me wants to be a drifter ... while the other part desires to belong and finally get rooted?

I know that the confusion and complexity of life is inevitable, yet what is not inevitable is to be able to approach life with a tender yet courageous heart... far, far away from the stale, patterned responses that are numb and mechanical. When we are able to share our affliction with another, we often feel the burden lifted.

Lastly, I think our closeness with Jesus Christ is reflected in how we grow close to others. We cannot hope to find intimacy with God being isolated from others, just as we cannot hope to find intimacy with others being isolated from God. It´s not meant to be a either/or decision, but both areas working together side by side. It's taking me some time to grow close to others after being traumatized by a disorder personality, but I'm determined to get integrated again one day.

© Reflector 2007

Soul connection...

I don't know about you, but there is a kind of loneliness that isn't relieved with just any kind of company, but rather a deeper level connection. Do you know what I mean?

A Nigerian friend expressed it like this... "Some people just don't go the herd's way, that's why they find rare treasures."

TR © 2007

The courage to ...

I'm reviewing an excellent book today entitled "The Courage to Write" by Ralph Keyes. I have to admit I never expected a book on writing to apply so much to life and particularly relationships. It's not so much about transcending a writer's fear (says the cover) as much as transcending life's fears. Well, if you didn’t guess it, it’s about tuning into the world of the emotions that begins with self-awareness. I found myself swimming in deep water hoping the sunrays would burn away the uncertainties of what looks like a bottomless ocean. Well, maybe I’m exaggerating a bit.

What Keyes seeks to convey are the following "key" concepts:(1) facts are less demanding to express than feelings, (2) literal truth demands less risk than emotional truth -- being yourself raises the stakes of rejection immeasurably, (3) before we can convey honest feelings to others, we need to be honest with ourselves, (4) we tend to skim or ignore emotional truth because of its unpleasantness, (5) the farther we stray from our deepest sources, the more sterile our interaction, (6) one of the greatest, yet most evasive violations in relationships is playing it safe, (7) courage and candor is greater than skill and craft.Life means allowing feelings to play a meaningful part.

I know that sounds obvious, but that contrasts radically with the mainstream educational methodology that typically separates feeling from thinking, disconnects emotion from thought, detaching the head from the hand, and the mind from the body. What this means is that we are experts at holding our feelings in check. What's more natural than saying “I can’t wait to see you.” if that’s how you feel? Instead without thinking we tend to send lukewarm signals to an already insipid world -- in the sense of distance and protectiveness. It's like sealing a new business venture with a dead-fish handshake. The author says that we don’t intentionally choose to keep others at arms' length, but rather do it because we have underlying fears of rejection or misunderstanding – assumptions we have failed to challenge at times.

© Troubled Reflector 2007

Only ONE single emotional tie...

“…when one is dependent on a single emotional tie as a primary source of well-being, that connection comes to be so highly valued as to seem essential to one’s existence.” -- Carl G. Hindy

As an artist discovery means avoiding preconceived ideas about where things are going or how they may unfold.  Whether I'm working on a project, art work, poem, humoristic piece of writing, friendship or love, I seek to be tentative... keeping a cool head…letting events unfold naturally on their own. It’s what gives life an unexpected element.

However, having said that, I have also had to learn to define what kind of discovery is healthy and what produces over-stimulation. When I returned to the world as a single man I came so ill-equipped in the area of romancing.

One author says the best way to predict a person's anxiety is to measure the love difference -- that is, how much the person loves the partner versus how much the person is loved in return. The greater the disparity between the emotional investment the more anxious he or she is likely to feel. Here the principle of least interest comes into play ... namely the partner in a romantic relationship who has less interest in the other person has more power.

Another element the book looks at is the level of consistency in one's potential partner. Consistency is the characteristic that tells the most about whether a compliant person experiences romantic anxiety.  The more consistent the partner, the less anxiety -- the less consistent – well you know…

According to Carl Hindy, ¨The attractive but emotionally fickle partner is likely to have the greatest power to wreak havoc with your love life¨.  Another way toward anxiety according to Hindy can happen by creating an inconsistent partner .... is to give so much of oneself that one is inevitably disappointed with what the partner gives in return.

Hindy insightfully points out, ¨One feels a lack of reciprocity, not because the partner gives too little, but because one's own level of commitment is so unrealistically high as to leave one open to frustration and feelings of rejection. One's perception of the partner as inconsistent thus stems from a need for very strong and clear expressions of affection that no partner can consistently provide.¨

© intuitivefeeling

Self-disclosure...

“Come, live in my heart and pay no rent.”S. Lover

Oftentimes, we attempt to communicate while keeping a safe distance. We converse with others through thick layers of protection so no one can reach at the core of our being – where we are vulnerable and can be possibly hurt. Gerard Egan probes into the fear we experience in interpersonal relationships:“You can’t reveal yourself on a deep level to another person without creating, by the very act of self-disclosure, some degree of closeness between you and that other person. Therefore, if you’re somewhat fearful of self-disclosure, it may be that what you really fear is getting close to others. There are people who fear human closeness more than they fear death. Why should you fear closeness? Well, getting closer to others places certain demands and responsibilities on you. If you care about another person, you want to be available to him or her, and that puts limitations on your freedom.”

When we establish friendships that are free of control, we find life. When we let go of our control over others, we drink deep of love and life’s freshness.Sixto Porras states, “A friendship covenant means… I will be at your side, I will look out for your best, you will feel dignified being with me, and you will be a healthier, better person when we are together. In these transactions, we establish a pact, a covenant of intimacy and trust. I do not manipulate your life , nor make you dependent upon me, nor are you my appendix, neither do you exist only to the measure you exist for me. With every advance of our friendship, you feel more self-respect, more independent. You are more yourself when you are with me. Your happiness and your progress do not depend upon me… Do you realize that we cannot depend on others to find our contentment? We have to have ownership of ourselves and our own life. “What a liberating feeling it is to interact without having to pay any rent, dues, obligations, favors, in a friendship. This is the essence of true love.

The result of Christ’s saving work is an invisible cross we are meant to bear. It is ultimately, the cross of letting go of our control over life and over others. Though the cross is invisible, the pain involved in letting go is real and tangible. We have been sent on a mission of love that requires setting people free and allowing them to grow independently in God. This requires trust in the power of the Holy Spirit to change others. We need to remember this wise saying each time we are tempted to take control: “Whoever seeks to change anyone but himself, only adds to the misery he wishes to eliminate.”-- Amen!--

TR © 2008