role playing

Photo image from www.anxietytreatmentblog.com

"For the traumatized child, life becomes a long, drawn-out crisis. In a psychological phenomenon called hypervigilance, the traumatized child spends most of her time on the lookout for trouble, and as a result, will easily be triggered into fear, anxiety, and depression. Fear increases the level of cortisol, causing chronic tension and anxiety; it can become a frightening, out-of-control vicious cycle." -- Lisa J. Lehr

The big day had arrived.  I had been interviewed as a volunteer counsellor and had been accepted. Finally, the day of the workshop came, the kind where you don’t know you collapse until it’s all over.  When I least expected it, I suffered one of those notable attacks of anxiety, before a group of total strangers.  It happened during an innocent role playing activity, the kind I sought so hard to avoid. What everyone else saw as a mere exercise, loomed large as a life-threatening situation.

I had the misfortune of playing the role of a supposed "wise and experienced" counselor while applying some newly learned therapeutic techniques. I felt like an oxymoron.  As was my custom -- when it came to dramatization -- I went into a tail spin and crashed. My mind went foggy. I felt rigidly self-conscious, insecure and defeated even before I began. It was altogether disorienting.

Nevertheless, when leaving the workshop, I sensed a strange combination of relief and exhaustion. Although my temples pulsated with a dull ache, what surprised me was my ability to reframe the event. I became acutely aware how altered I felt. Before I would feel the urgent need to defend my blundering performance; write the supervisor a long e-mail to apologize and all sorts of other gymnastics, but this time I felt an inexplicable calm. This time I accepted my actions knowing I had done my best in spite of torped fits of momentary panic.
-- intuitivefeeling

Understanding Vulnerability to Abuse

Graph credit: www.utahcounty.org

"From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape." ~ Donna Anderson

If you've ever questioned why abusive relationships are harder to get over than healthy ones, then Donna Anderson's latest article "Getting Over that Amazing 'Chemistry'" may offer some insightful consolation. Since everyone's situation differs, not all the arguments she expresses need apply.

Dear Donna,

I'm aware my experience differs vastly from yours.  Although I can relate in principle to your life story, I didn't have to deal with an extreme sociopath as you did, but rather a subtle and covert abuser. To be honest, I don't know which of the two is more baffling. My ex-partner seemed decent, caring and committed on the outside, but underneath she was self-absorbed, suspicious, hypervigilant, exploitative and hostile. This discrepancy led me on my journaling journey to make sense of this sweetness/cruelty remix or else go insane. This crazy-making dynamic is aptly depicted above in the visual graphic -- as you know... what counsellors call, "Cycles of Abuse".

The Article:

What resonated with me was your accurate description of traumatic childhood experiences as a way of priming the target so that abuse feels normal. You refer to this fatal dynamic as traumatic bonding. You also mention love-bombing tactics that abusers use so that when a target is favored, the sun shines, but when he or she falls out of grace, the Ice Age begins.

These cycles of abuse often pushed me into a tormenting role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet [minus the sublime poetry, royal intrigue, strewn corpses and tragic bloody ending]. After each “Explosion” I’d put on an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of myself. I breathed a peculiar kind of calm because I didn't have to walk on eggshells as I usually did. I’d go for long walks alone; I'd interact with strangers on the street; I’d get a small suitcase and carefully pack some clothes, important documents and other essentials, as if to prepare for a quick getaway; I'd sit near my daughter's bed at night and cry as if to mourne that symbolic exile...

Getting back to the article, you leave your readers with some helpful homework: You finish by saying that healing and restoration involve exploring the root of our past and how that background may be connected in making us vulnerable to abusive relationships. This is painstaking work, especially if fear, obligation and guilt [FOG] are clouding our vision.  As the Christian theologian and philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard asserted: “[T]he truth is not so quick on its feet.” -- meaning if we want to reach out for truth, we need to work at it diligently, unashamedly and tenaciously.

Thanks Donna for your life commitment to helping others,
~ Reflector

Emotional Dependency

Photo credit: http://www.heyjosh.com/

I’ve been reading David Viscott’s, “Emotional Resilience: Simple Truths for Dealing with the Unfinished Business of Your Past.” After reading it over twice, I wonder about the subtitle, because for me there is nothing simple about dealing with the past. It's painfully complex, tiring, tedious and elusive. It requires questioning assumptions and coping mechanisms -- if that's at all possible.  However, Viscott compensates for what I consider this initial slip through his deeper understanding of the undercurrents of human interaction.

When Viscott refers to emotional dependence, he describes my family background with accuracy. As a result of this unsolicited “heritage” I have a mix of avoidant and co-dependent issues. Today, in this post I've jotted some reflections from reading Viscott, dividing my thoughts and feelings in two categories: In the first paragraph I mention the dependent traits that hit me hardest in my marriage while in the second category I deal with areas that still affect me in the present.

My wish to be close to my ex-wife caused me to disregard my safety and best interests, holding on to the relationship long after experience had revealed the truth. Once committed and enmeshed, I put up with considerable abuse. Maybe a list can help show how dependence led me down the dark alley of emotional debilitation:  1) I neglected self care. 2) I let down my guard in exchange for a few crumbs of affection. 3) I admitted wrong when I had no reason. 4) I did not see self-reliance as an alternative.

In the present, my main concern as Viscott states is that "others see me as loveable". Everything I am hinges upon this "need:  1) I suffer from guilt and as a result have difficulty expressing hurt in a timely fashion. 2) When others do not feel good about themselves, I take responsibility for it. 3) In my subconscious I still believe I need another person to be complete -- again quoting Viscott "to be my best, to assuage my hurt, to be comforted and loved".  4) Because I'm obsessed with the idea of diminishment I can slip into a scarcity mode. 5) I avoid "taking actions that may cause me to lose favor with others". [I'm aware how I fall prey to others' opinions, being vulnerable to changing my initial belief. For example, I have to guard against reading hardcore conservatives that defend marriage at all costs, who view the institution above the individual]. 6) Doubting my lovability and needing reinforcement, I have to work double hard to act on my own. For instance, several years I resisted the idea of initiating the process of divorce, putting it off in my mind until I had a new love in my life. To think of the brutal task of divorce without someone supporting me from start to finish seemed too unbearable. Fortunately, I found the resolve to finish what I started, but it wasn't easy and still have bouts of ambiguity. Part of me is thankful I'm out the relationship, while the other part of me questions whether I was too hard on her.

By nature then, I’m a people pleaser. I care what others think and this fear of being rejected often compromises my judgement. Sometimes I get emotionally blocked when I need to be in tune and aware. This makes me susceptible to being blindsided. Rather than defend myself, I tend to display my injury, as if doing so will cause the person who is hurting me to repent.

̴  Intuitive Feeling

Codependent or Not...

I wish I could distinguish the difference between those serious emotional impairments of life from those invented by the self-help industry for personal or commercial gain. For example, there are authors who assign denial, confusion and self-doubt under the umbrella of codependent behavior. Is it true? On the other hand, others believe "codependency" is a myth and does not need treatment, but is viewed as a healthy personality trait taken to an excess (Wikipedia). So, are we talking about a psychological disorder/handicap that requires life long help, or rather a condition requiring some guidance and reorientation about setting boundaries? This controversy continues to elude and sometimes torment me. What's worse is that my dilemma doesn't end with codependency, for I have just about as many questions about other areas of life such as spouse-related abuse (narcissism), divorce, starting over after divorce and personality traits (HSP).

-- TR

Growing Out of the Dependent Character Type

"Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation." -- Steve Becker

Today I began reading some old notes (by Dr. David Viscott) that I had jotted down, yet even though I knew they were written in my own handwriting, it was as if I was reading them for the first time (see list below). They turned on a lightbulb inside. I felt great comfort to see the progress I have I made -- the green items representing issues I've overcome, while in the blue areas I experience some ups and some downs. Finally, the red items are the most painful to read, because they mirror the work I still have ahead...

As I review the list, I understand why we can be our my worst enemy (in a way) -- leaving ourselves open as an easy target. However, I'd rather see the half-full glass and say... today I'm less of a target than I used to be.

"The Dependent Character Type:

- difficulty expressing hurt in a timely fashion
- doubts his lovability
- his own anger chafes at his self-esteem
- continually asks others for reassurance
- tends to drown in his own feelings
- his “giving” is really taking in disguise
- since he is so needy for continual show of love, he finds it difficult to hear others’ complaints
- has problems maintaining boundaries
- doesn’t want any boundaries to exist
- his wish to be close causes him to disregard his safety and best interests
- he is always hoping the other will change
- he is driven to always make it all better
- his yearning for love-at-all costs is crippling
- it’s hard to learn his lesson – to love himself by himself
- he apologizes even when he is the one who was attacked or hurt
- concerned about being taken care of, he neglects to take care of himself
- he traps himself in a rigid pattern of obligatory giving that drains his energy and makes him bitter

- he usually chooses a controlling person as his life partner
- though he keeps anger to himself, his anger is palpable
- does for some what he needs to do for himself
- sometimes has difficulty defending himself

- he loses others’ respect and invites more abuse

- he feels rejected when others are not paying enough attention

- sometimes feels undeserving to reach out to others

- tends to see others’ positive emotions as a reward for being lovable

- when others do not feel good about themselves, he sometimes takes it personally

- doesn't explore his own opportunities enough since he invests so much in others

- he thinks he needs another to be his best, to assuage his hurt

- usually his boundaries are trespassed when he appeals for affection

- allows himself to be trapped into proving himself "

-- Troubled Reflector

Love deficit...

When you come from an empty-love-tank background (what others refer to as our love deficit), it’s second nature to build or at least intend to build your life around a significant other as if all meaning funneled through this one person. It’s personally taken lots of inner work to overcome this tendency and even now it afflicts me with a restlessness hard to shake.

Melody Beattie in her book, “Finding Your Way Home” recognized this same trait especially when she was facing the fiercest crisis of her life. She writes,“It made me feel frightened, clingy, and desperate. I wanted to solve my aloneness by having someone promise to be there always for me and never leave my side.That wasn’t going to happen. Not yet. That wasn’t the lesson… The purpose was to teach me about transpersonal relationships, the non-sticky kind, the ones that come to teach you lessons, then leave when the lesson is learned. The purpose was to listen for the ring of truth so I could hear the voice of God in every voice I heard.The purpose wasn’t just to lose my fear of death; it was to heal my fears about life.”

Melody had the courage to look beyond her natural tendency, setting her sights on what can be referred to as “visitations of love”. If we place our emotional investment in one person, we’re bound to feel let down, especially because our love deficit expects 24/7 exclusive attention -- a form of love that rides on the edge of unrealistic. This state of neediness only repels the love we long for. I remember as a youth feeling intensely that my existence only mattered to the degree that I could attract that special someone who would fill the huge gapping hole.

Part of what is helping to become more independent has been developing outside interests that include a more serious commitment to reading and journaling. For me journaling has become a companion where I can sketch out my thoughts and feelings down on paper to gain objectivity and perspective. It’s where God meets me to sort out the confusing and sometimes alienating or alarming circumstances of life. The reward of journaling (or blogging) comes in the doing and not so much in the number of responses I may or may not receive, although it’s encouraging to know that others can relate to my stories.

-- Troubled Reflector © 2008

Approval addiction...

As a recovering approval addict, I’m convinced we not only learn about God in the church, but also unhealthy behaviors that seem godly, but only work to isolate us from each other. We rarely question the assumptions handed down to us until we face some kind of identity quake that compels us to look deeper. I've come to the conclusion that the church subculture teaches or a least reinforces one dubious relational style; We are taught to present an image of pleasantness, while living lives of anguish and self-protection designed to keep us at arms length. Although we are healthier when we live authentic, transparent lives, we learn to hide behind an agreeable mask. As one author wrote, ¨We have learned to be nice in order to be accepted by others.¨

The author elaborates on this idea further by saying:

¨Maybe you have noticed your own contradictions in your interactions with people, expressed in the interests of being nice. Any or all of the following examples may apply:

You remain silent when you might have spoken out and expressed authentic feelings… you are less than honest in giving your opinion and repeat clichés as if they were meaningful statements. You rarely express so-called negative emotions such as sadness or outrage, preferring to blot out or rationalize events that set off such feelings. In order to appease others you do things you regret or simply wish you had not done that you cannot bring yourself to undo.
You say nothing rather than risk confrontation even when an issue arises about which you have strong feelings. ..
You use the telephone caller identification to hide from people rather than telling them that they have called at an inconvenient time… Still, you have spent a lifetime learning that niceness is good, and as far as you can see, niceness is good, so you carry on and try to ignore the grating inside.¨

When you or I fail to express our thoughts or feelings or refuse to hear what others say, we are falling into the tyranny of ¨niceness¨. Evelyn Sommers wrote, ¨The word nice was derived from the Latin nescius, meaning,´ ignorant´ and the French nescire, meaning ´not to know´. It is the notion of silence and silencing that links current use of nice to these Latin and French derivatives. …There is a shutting down – or silencing – or oneself or the other. In this way silence, in some form or degree, is the essential characteristic of being nice…

Niceness as a way of life is typified by passivity, sterility, obedience, denial, avoidance, and fear of making a direct, honest statement.¨¨Niceness fosters a culture of aloneness. Nice people exist in separate worlds, rarely or never revealing themselves to others in their lives. They may have lots of superficial communication with other people but little real connection. They fear aloneness, but their niceness perpetuates it.¨ ¨Letting go of niceness does not mean hurting people with unnecessary and attacking ´truths´.

Although such outspokenness might be mistaken for authenticity in the early stages of transformation, it is not the goal. Attacking truths, when submitted to scrutiny, rarely exist on their own. More often, they are part of a larger phenomenon in which the speaker has not worked out the complete extent of his or her feelings about a person or matter. On their own, these truths are not completely honest.As we mature, we add layers to our personalities, layers of complexity that make us unique and add to our character.

Giving up niceness means dispensing with a particular part of that complexity, a part that interferes with honest, direct relationships and makes us appear bland. We do not need to hide behind white lies or euphemisms to make ourselves acceptable. As thinking, feeling individuals we generate plenty of individual differences and complexity, yet remain similar enough to others to engage many people in satisfying relationships. We must trust ourselves that this is enough, that we do not need to place a wall of niceness between us and others to ensure acceptance. Giving up niceness means integrating the layers of personality and giving them expression, showing ourselves to the world in all our glorious uniqueness.¨

James Rapson writes, “What you’re describing is very common with people who are anxious to please. It's important to know that this doesn’t happen because of a lack of courage or character. It happens because of a lack of security deep inside. Building that sense of security takes time, but ultimately it can change your whole life. By exploring your fears and subsequent behaviors, you are opening yourself to healing and growth.”My role in the church for years and years allowed me to focus on others' needs so I didn’t have to think about my own.

Now I’m a few years out from a bad marriage and slowly those people-pleasing tendencies have been creeping back. Chronic niceness is like driving a vehicle that has no brakes. Do you suffer from any of the symptoms below? Please note that not all the traits will apply to you as niceness manifests itself in different forms:

"You are always longing for something or someone.
You feel worried or fretful so often it seems normal.
You can't keep romance sizzling, and often can't even get romance started.
You often don't know what you want.
You're always thinking about what you wish you had said.
You constantly second guess yourself.
You apologize frequently, or for things you are not responsible for.
You take what you're given instead of asking for what you want.
You get preoccupied with what other people think of you.
You are frequently surprised that other people don't reciprocate your good will.
You do favors for people with the secret hope they will reciprocate.
You are more prone to feel sorry for yourself than to take action and fix a problem.
You tend to give more than you get (you might be resentful about this).
It seems like other people get the attention or the acknowledgment.
It seems like other people get the dates (maybe your friends tell you you're a great catch).
Your emotional state mirrors your partner's (if your partner isn't happy, you aren't happy)."

Troubled Reflector © 2008

Low nurturance...

¨Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing? Primarily, ... (recovery) means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.¨-- Margaret Paul

I've been digging lately, seeking to understand the effects of low nurturance that dominated my childhood producing a submissive kind of emotional dependency as an adult. Many well-intentioned friends say I should forget about my past and move on. For me the idea of leaving the past in the past is a half truth. I believe the way toward healing is to face my family background because I can only be freed from what I acknowledge. What I fail to acknowledge about myself will be projected onto others in the form of neediness rather than love. As I’ve been making this personal inventory, I’ve come to find I’m healthy and nurturing in some ways, but still enmeshed in other ways. I have this compulsive tendency to rescue others for example ... to be a Mr. Fix It! I never even questioned this role assuming I was just fulfilling my Christian service for God.

My goal is to learn to nurture while releasing others, by developing a stronger sense of self turning to God to define my sense of worth. I do my best as a friend when ¨I hold onto myself¨ redefining myself through faith — that is... to look to God as the source of my identity while being in community with others without being enmeshed in those relationships. That has not been easy because part of being enmeshed in relationships has required me to reevaluate my faulty view of God so that I need to differentiate my earthly father, from the all-perfect and loving heavenly One! Well, I leave you with just one quote that concludes this post.

¨Mature love is not about emotional fusion or enmeshment, but rather love is communion while maintaining separateness. A term used to describe this process is differentiation. Similar to individuation, differentiation is one’s ability to maintain a sense of self while remaining emotionally and/or physically close to others. It is the ability to stand up alone, stay close to one’s partner and soothe oneself when not getting what one wants. It involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness.¨-- Elsie De Vita

The key phrase for me here is ¨soothe oneself when not getting what one wants¨. This statement is so loaded with meaning. I know I depend upon others to soothe me and get disappointed when they don't follow through as I expect. I guess this is part of what we refer to as ¨growing pains¨, but at least I'm learning.

-- TR

Surrogate therapist...

“Paradoxically, an emotionally excessive relationship is not necessarily caring or sensitive. It may be based on the need for reassurances, security, and undying devotion from your partner. This kind of emotionally overloaded relationship involves taking but not giving. The excessively emotional partner will try in vain to get self-love and self-esteem from her partner that she doesn’t have in herself.” --- Mary and John Valentis

This excerpt impacted me as I’ve left an emotionally excessive relationship where I surrendered my identity. This post originated from a letter I had written a friend. I had to explain to this friend how sorry I was for using her as a substitute therapist. I see it now. It was a most unproductive attempt at getting self-love and self-esteem … especially because it came from the outside. I didn’t mean to act this way, and it put pressure upon her to be play a roll that didn't correspond to her at all. Believe me, I hadn’t questioned these kinds of behaviors till now.

It’s easy to find a safe haven in someone else rather than doing the necessary alone-work of internal assessment and reevaluation to cultivate inner strength and character. What’s more, I was using “Romance” as a pretext to distract me from the internal journey of healing which needed to take place -- alone, without artificial supports.

Others can offer a listening ear for a time,
But the work is ultimately mine.

© TR 2006

Only ONE single emotional tie...

“…when one is dependent on a single emotional tie as a primary source of well-being, that connection comes to be so highly valued as to seem essential to one’s existence.” -- Carl G. Hindy

As an artist discovery means avoiding preconceived ideas about where things are going or how they may unfold.  Whether I'm working on a project, art work, poem, humoristic piece of writing, friendship or love, I seek to be tentative... keeping a cool head…letting events unfold naturally on their own. It’s what gives life an unexpected element.

However, having said that, I have also had to learn to define what kind of discovery is healthy and what produces over-stimulation. When I returned to the world as a single man I came so ill-equipped in the area of romancing.

One author says the best way to predict a person's anxiety is to measure the love difference -- that is, how much the person loves the partner versus how much the person is loved in return. The greater the disparity between the emotional investment the more anxious he or she is likely to feel. Here the principle of least interest comes into play ... namely the partner in a romantic relationship who has less interest in the other person has more power.

Another element the book looks at is the level of consistency in one's potential partner. Consistency is the characteristic that tells the most about whether a compliant person experiences romantic anxiety.  The more consistent the partner, the less anxiety -- the less consistent – well you know…

According to Carl Hindy, ¨The attractive but emotionally fickle partner is likely to have the greatest power to wreak havoc with your love life¨.  Another way toward anxiety according to Hindy can happen by creating an inconsistent partner .... is to give so much of oneself that one is inevitably disappointed with what the partner gives in return.

Hindy insightfully points out, ¨One feels a lack of reciprocity, not because the partner gives too little, but because one's own level of commitment is so unrealistically high as to leave one open to frustration and feelings of rejection. One's perception of the partner as inconsistent thus stems from a need for very strong and clear expressions of affection that no partner can consistently provide.¨

© intuitivefeeling