house of distorted mirrors

when you believe you are undeserving
you open yourself to unsuitable company
who hoodwink you through false assurances
these culprits may be volatile
combative and disrespectful
with a persistent self-referential attitude
sweetness, tension and acting out
become recurring themes
played over and over again
like looping cassette tapes
yet after each explosion
you get to breathe a peculiar kind of calm
coz you don’t have to walk on eggshells
at least not for another while
you go for long walks alone
interacting with strangers
you listen to distant cheerful voices
celebrating some family occasion
while mourning your own unforeseeable exile

wearing a mask

“The kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force.”  Matthew 11:12

Picture Credit

wearing a mask
drains emotional energy
until eventually
all sense of spontaneity
becomes eroded
it places you
in long-term acting roles
where you feign
presence and enjoyment

-- intuitivefeeling

_____________________________________________

"No matter how difficult it may seem, make the choice to live consciously. Do not succumb to that half-conscious realm of fear-based thinking, filling your life with distractions to avoid facing what you feel in those silent spaces between your thoughts. Either exercise your human endowment of courage and progressively build the strength to face your deepest, darkest fears to live as the powerful being you truly are, or admit your fears are too much for you, and embrace life as a mouse. But make this choice consciously and with full awareness of its consequences. If you are going to allow fear to win the battle for your life, then proclaim it the victor and forfeit the match. If you simply avoid living consciously and courageously, then that is equivalent to giving up on life itself, where your continued existence becomes little more than a waiting period before physical death - the nothing as opposed to the daring adventure." -- Steve Pavlina

Note: Steve Pavlina is an independent thinker with some fresh ideas. However, I do not endorse his ideas about religion nor anything about open "love relationships". 

grieving loss as a releasing agent

“If we are grieving, it is because of our blessed capacity to embrace life and take risks.” – Kathleen Hawk

Although writing usually helps clarify my thoughts, composing this journal entry isn't as easy as I imagined. I not only encounter multiple issues that resist translation, I come into collision with my own perceptions. No matter how the words arrange themselves, they look back at me with trifling glances. The deeper I excavate, the less justice accorded to the lived experience. I find I can only endure so much time addressing this topic before I'm consumed with nausea or fatigue.

My Story

When we believe we are undeserving, we may involuntarily open ourselves to unsuitable company without understanding why. These unsuitable personalities have abilities to decode susceptibility and hoodwink others through false assurances. While being charming on the surface, they are volatile, combative, and disrespectful of boundaries. They maintain a persistent self-referential attitude and suck away energy like vampires. Yet, as one therapist put it,

"The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so you deny or forget them."
These abusive episodes operate within cycles and begin with measured doses of seductive sweetness, followed by days of increasing tension, then finally erupting into violent verbal and/or physical attacks. They're called cycles because the sweetness, tension and acting out become a recurring pattern played over and over again like a loop cassette tape.

This kaleidoscope of emotional contradiction is just one example of the drama I faced. After each explosion I’d put on an antic disposition, not wanting to eat nor take care of myself. I breathed a peculiar kind of calm because I didn't have to walk on eggshells. I’d go for long walks alone; I'd interact with strangers on the street; I'd sit near my daughter's bed at night and cry as if to mourn an unforeseeable exile and I’d tuck away a small suitcase with carefully packed clothes, important documents and other essentials, in case I needed a quick getaway. For many years, I strained as I listened to cheerful voices celebrating family achievements or special occasions, yet such joy seemed out of my reach.

Usually when society thinks of grief, it fails to acknowledge losses that are not death related. For many years I have been involuntarily experiencing what therapists refer to as “disenfranchised grief”-- grief that is not socially validated because of the stigma attached to emotional abuse.

Recovery from abuse is as elusive as it is profound. The hardest part is having so few models to follow. You frantically seek help, only to realize the subject at hand is foreign to the general public. Just as support can hold you steady, the opposite can throw you into perplexity.

Only when we embrace trauma, can we release it. Recently I came across a list of “grief” descriptions that I converted into questions to reflect upon. To this end, dear readers there is a means...

Who was I before the abuse began?
Why did I not take action when the abuse first happened?
What about the life I could have lived?
What about the dreams that never bore fruit?
What about the person I thought she was?
What kind of father would I have been had my marriage been different?
What kind of life could my child have lived?
How do I grieve a life I can no longer recover?
How do I come to terms with the way it was -- the way I wished it had been?

-- Intuitive Feeling

when dreams depart

photo credit

When it comes to traumatic events, sometimes the underlying issues are obscured even to those who experienced them. The most anyone can do is to be as objective as humanly possible, trusting he has made the best evaluation possible.

It's usually with apprehension he opens his wounds to anyone, for just as the support of a friend can hold him steady, the disparaging of the latter can throw him into an abyss. At first he seeks support from anyone who'll listen, but eventually comes to realize the subject at hand is foreign to the general public. He therefore devotes large chunks of time to understanding what went wrong and its effects upon interpersonal relationships, health and personal growth.

I came to realize as long as you live with some people in an Gilligan-Island existence, all is love and peace. To the public eye it is difficult to perceive there are human beings who are incapable of sustaining long term friendships except nominally. Some will work day and night to sabotage your connections by 1) seeking to poison your view of others and 2) absorbing your energy with a long list of demands.

Some people also inflict terror so eventually a flash of the eyes is all that is needed.  Cycles of abuse consist in measured doses of sweetness and calm, that eventually lead to periods of tension and hostility, that eventually erupt into verbal attacks. As Darlene Lancer says, "The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so that you deny or forget them."

This shift back and forth, can push you into a role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet. After each “explosion” he’s walk about in an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of himself.  While to others the list below may seem to be a collection of cold clinical data, to me each trait is a condensed prompt that elicits more distressing personal stories.

-- Intuitive Feeling

Paranoid Personality Disorder -- ICD-10 is characterized by the following traits:

- excessive sensitivity to setbacks and rebuffs;
- tendency to bear grudges persistently, i.e. refusal to forgive insults and injuries or slights;
- suspiciousness and a pervasive tendency to distort experience by misconstruing the neutral or friendly actions of others as hostile or contemptuous;
- a combative and tenacious sense of personal rights out of keeping with the actual situation;
- recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding sexual fidelity of spouse or sexual partner;
- tendency to experience excessive self-importance, manifest in a persistent self-referential attitude;

- preoccupation with unsubstantiated "conspiratorial" explanations of events both immediate to the patient and in the world at large.

-- The World Health Organization

 

givers and takers

Givers tend to fall into the hands of takers. It makes sense. Exploitative folks cannot implement their tactics on individuals similar in kind. While the strategies may vary, the one common denominator of takers fits this lamentable yet true description:



A pastor friend said givers seek to resolve conflicts without causing upset. They attempt to back away from toxic situations using discretion. He explained how useless this is when dealing with manipulators. Put bluntly — there’s no friendly way to get away. Furthermore (the pastor friend concluded) givers need to accept they may even be labelled the bad guy.

~ intuitivefeeling

 

Understanding Vulnerability to Abuse

Graph credit: www.utahcounty.org

"From the target’s point of view, the relationship becomes a vicious circle of bonding, anxiety, fear, relief, sex and further bonding. The longer it goes on, the harder it is for the target to escape." ~ Donna Anderson

If you've ever questioned why abusive relationships are harder to get over than healthy ones, then Donna Anderson's latest article "Getting Over that Amazing 'Chemistry'" may offer some insightful consolation. Since everyone's situation differs, not all the arguments she expresses need apply.

Dear Donna,

I'm aware my experience differs vastly from yours.  Although I can relate in principle to your life story, I didn't have to deal with an extreme sociopath as you did, but rather a subtle and covert abuser. To be honest, I don't know which of the two is more baffling. My ex-partner seemed decent, caring and committed on the outside, but underneath she was self-absorbed, suspicious, hypervigilant, exploitative and hostile. This discrepancy led me on my journaling journey to make sense of this sweetness/cruelty remix or else go insane. This crazy-making dynamic is aptly depicted above in the visual graphic -- as you know... what counsellors call, "Cycles of Abuse".

The Article:

What resonated with me was your accurate description of traumatic childhood experiences as a way of priming the target so that abuse feels normal. You refer to this fatal dynamic as traumatic bonding. You also mention love-bombing tactics that abusers use so that when a target is favored, the sun shines, but when he or she falls out of grace, the Ice Age begins.

These cycles of abuse often pushed me into a tormenting role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet [minus the sublime poetry, royal intrigue, strewn corpses and tragic bloody ending]. After each “Explosion” I’d put on an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of myself. I breathed a peculiar kind of calm because I didn't have to walk on eggshells as I usually did. I’d go for long walks alone; I'd interact with strangers on the street; I’d get a small suitcase and carefully pack some clothes, important documents and other essentials, as if to prepare for a quick getaway; I'd sit near my daughter's bed at night and cry as if to mourne that symbolic exile...

Getting back to the article, you leave your readers with some helpful homework: You finish by saying that healing and restoration involve exploring the root of our past and how that background may be connected in making us vulnerable to abusive relationships. This is painstaking work, especially if fear, obligation and guilt [FOG] are clouding our vision.  As the Christian theologian and philosopher, Soren Kierkegaard asserted: “[T]he truth is not so quick on its feet.” -- meaning if we want to reach out for truth, we need to work at it diligently, unashamedly and tenaciously.

Thanks Donna for your life commitment to helping others,
~ Reflector

she wanted to talk...

photo credit

 

The phone rang and she wanted to talk. She let on as if it was only a casual conversation. It was only later my lawyer informed me otherwise. I had no clue where the conversation was going. In a receptive and considerate tone she began asking some pointed questions, namely would I reconsider starting over?

 

*sigh*

 

I did not take long for me to give her my answer. In knee-jerk fashion I made it clear I would not.  My encounters with my ex-spouse always required the closest scrutiny of my motivations. As much as I analyzed and re-analyzed, I found it impossible to come to one hundred percent certainty about her words and behaviours. As Austen says,

 

"Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken."

 

However, in spite of human limitations, I picked up my pen that day as a means of exploring the residue swirling in my head. These were the sort of questions I began to ask myself:

 

How is it possible for someone to bear grudges, then suddenly appear like all was forgotten?

How do you approach someone who is combative one moment, then charming the next?

When your trust has been eroded by, how can you be sure what is true and what is pretext?

 

I’ve also experienced bouts of heartsickness. It was a side effect of having any kind of contact with her. No matter how detrimental the messages I received, the move toward divorce was never easy. While separation seemed like a therapeutic option, divorce felt like death. The person who once played center stage became dead to me. My mind began to play tricks like memories of  deceased persons often do, idealizing her person…

 

Inner Wounded Children

painting by Joan Miró

When we get around to understanding a little bit about our inner wounded child we are more aware about how our past can interfere with our present. As a young adult I knew I had issues to wrestle through -- both big and small. Still, apart from reading self-help books and listening to good sermons, I had no clue how to resolve my inner conflicts nor where to begin, so I often settled for avoiding my inner world.

I struggled with compulsive behaviors like rescuing others from their problems, excessive gift-giving and "falling in love" too fast. My locus of motivation focused externally, seeking to get my supply of approval through people pleasing. The wake up call came when I read John Bradshaw's book, "Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child"

Bradshaw writes some penetrating descriptions that pertain to the inner wounded child that are worth considering. Here is a summary of his thoughts (sprinkled with some of my own comments) for your viewing. Those of us who have had an emotionally chaotic childhood with many traumas may find ourselves struggling with some of these issues:

We may have difficulty trusting ourselves to meet our needs and therefore think we need someone else to meet them.
We may have difficulty trusting others so that we feel we have to be in control of our surrounding all the time.
We may fail to detect body signals such as not being aware how tired we are.
We may neglect going to the doctor or dentist.
We may have deep fears of abandonment.
We may feel we don’t belong anywhere or anyone.
In social situations we may be invisible so no one notices us, yet not even be aware why we do this.
We may attempt to make ourselves indispensable to others to make sure they will not leave us.
We may have a great need to be touched or hugged that could make us vulnerable to bonding too soon, too deep with someone we don’t even know and who could even be harmful to us…
We may have an obsessive need to be valued and may have difficulty establishing boundaries for fear that others may not like those boundaries.
We may isolate ourselves out of fear that people might end up rejecting us or we might end up rejecting them.Some of us are gullible and don’t see other people’s hidden agenda or else we see the hidden agenda but go along with it all the same...

This week spilled over with lots of activities and sweets at the school where I teach. In my host country we celebrated Children's Day on September 9th. As a result the sermon or talk this morning at church reflected upon the nature and rights of children.

The lady speaker said we live in an adult-centered world where children are subjected to the whims of adults who have authority over them. The idea reminded me of Pink Floyd's, "The Wall: We Don't Need No Education" with it's piercing protest, -- "All in all, you're just another brick in the wall." When I first heard this revolutionary song in 1993, I thought it was diabolical. Now, I've come to see a lot of truth in the lyrics.

Unfortunately, adults speak as if they are the OWNERS of the truth and act as if they have the last say on everything. I thought it was an interesting view since our society seems to idealize youth (as a way of marketing products) while treating them as inferior beings on the other hand.

The speaker also shared how this is one of the most challenging periods in history in which to raise children, because so many technological advances are competing for their attention. Adults will do anything to appease their offspring materially, while being too busy to be involved in any way with their spiritual and emotional development. The result is that children do not have a model of how to relate to God or else the model is defective, oppressive or too rigid. The speaker asked, "What concept do parents transmit to their children about the nature of God? Do they delegate this responsibility to someone else (like a Sunday school teacher)?

The speaker finished by pointing out that Jesus not only defended children, but considered them to be the model to follow because of their believing, trustful nature.

As an educator, I'm reflecting about this sermon, because most of my adult responses toward children follow a subconscious script of how I was treated when I was a child. It takes a lot of inner work to bring those past experiences into the conscious world in order to be able to view them objectively and correct them. Often a red light flashes on my dash, telling me that my tone was too severe or that I wasn't listening to what the student was trying to communicate. Too often, I have to catch myself reacting rather than responding -- something so slow to change.

Red Flags

Whenever I mentioned to others how I stayed in an abusive marriage for 16 years, the classic response I'd get was why would anyone tolerate such a "relationship" for so long if it was so bad?


Letting go of an intensely harmful relationship is more complicated than it looks, because perpetrators can be as sweet and tender as they are hostile and self-absorbed. It's a lethal mix. They have a super natural ability to morph themselves in order to get what they want. They intuitively scan you up and down, knowing how to unlock the door to the heart saying all the right words you want to hear -- whatever gets the job done: sometimes sweetness, sometimes rage, sometimes coldness: never knowing which emotional state you are going to encounter.


Those of us who suffer from a low nurturance/conflictive FOO (family or origin) ... are more vulnerable to being hooked to this kind of person with highly unpredicable behaviours. The uncertainty registers as love or what we perceive as ¨love¨ from our childhood.


This is just one of many long-standing issues I’ve experienced. MDM not only suffered from bouts of jealousy, tantrums, possessiveness, lack of empathy, but also generated a force field of anxiety and tension being a Type A personality.


Red Flags:

MDM was especially skilled in using her powers to push me off balance or engulf me. To be in her emotional vicinity, was to be exposed to endless episodes of "gas lighting" and insecurity:

- was manipulative; exploiting my good will
- acting as if she was capable of empathy
- knew how to deplete my time, energy and financial assets
- demanded constant attention
- an underlying hostility just under the surface waiting to pounce on me with her famous fiery red glare
- concocted endless long-lasting accusations against my family of origin designed to alienate them or isolate me from their influence
- possessed a sophisticated radar to detect my soft spots rapidly. This emotional instability came across as a strong dose of disapproval where I end up compensating with all kinds of appeasing responses
- started arguments and thrived on conflict: addicted to the drama
- showed no motivation to do any internal work necessary to reconstruct trust and intimacy
-- Reflector

Hoovering

I learned the term, "hoover" means getting sucked into the same relationship even though you know in your heart it's hazardous to your health. It can happen over and over again if you're not grounded -- especially when you have co-parenting duties to fulfill on a daily basis. A few times I've been taken off guard getting into a friendly conversation with my stbxP. I find that until you have a specific vocabulary for a given dynamic, you are more liable to fall prey.

It's been my tendency to second guess myself, believing in grace -- that maybe I had been too harsh or too quick in my judgments of her. It's easy to forget the hellish world I lived through now that I have had time and space to recuperate my somewhat lost identity and emotional/physical health.

~ Reflector

Symptoms of PTSD

I've been reading in the support forums that PTSD is a common response to abusive relationships so I decided to select descriptors that applied to me. I have overcome some symptoms while others like social isolation and getting overwhelmed are still issues...

My PTSD symptoms:

"Difficulty “letting go” of the event, or dwelling on “what if?”
Feeling emotionally overwhelmed, or having emotions get out of control
Lack of interest in usual activities or hobbies; apathy
Withdrawing from family, friends, or coworkers; not wanting to talk
No interest in sex
Being irritable, jumpy, “on guard”, “wired”, or unable to relax
Feeling insecure around friends; feeling uncomfortable in crowds
Not wanting to be touched
Avoiding things that remind one of the traumatic experience
Feeling fearful or being afraid to leave home; panic attacks
Increased conflict with others
Difficulty concentrating or remembering things; poor attention span
Difficulty making decisions or solving problems
Confusion
Feeling like your going crazy
Feeling helpless
Clinging
Depression may also be present (feelings of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness, changes in sleeping or eating habits, difficulty making decisions, lack of energy)"

-- Reflector
Reference: PTSD Alliance / Anxiety Disorder Association of America www.adaa.org Aftershock (Slaby, 1989)

Paranoid Traits

"An abusive relationship is a lethal web of confusion, fear, promises, and hope. The complicated and dangerous process of getting out entails many challenges that people who have never been battered may not consider."

-- letswrap.com

Even though I've been separated from an abusive relationship for several years I often need to reinject myself with a reality check -- re-reading, re-educating myself about personality disorders in order to remind myself AFRESH about the trauma I lived. Perpetrators are experts at making you believe what you believe is a fabrication of your mind. They will approach you as if nothing ever happened between you.

My Reality Check:

Characteristics that match my ex-spouse:

-- is on guard, believing that others are constantly trying to demean, harm, or threaten her. These generally unfounded beliefs, as well as their habits of blame and distrust, might interfere with her ability to form close relationships....

-- Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are using or deceiving her
- Is reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that the information will be used against her
- Is unforgiving and hold grudges
- Is hypersensitive and take criticism poorly
- Reads hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others
- Perceives attacks on her character that are not apparent to others; she generally reacts with anger and is quick to retaliate
- Has recurrent suspicions, without reason, that her spouses is unfaithful
- Is generally cold and distant in her relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous
- Cannot see her role in problems or conflicts, believing she is always right
- Has difficulty relaxing
- Is hostile, stubborn, and argumentative..."
All PD descriptions were provided by http://my.clevelandclinic.org

~ Intuitive Feeling

Red Flags

"I think EVERY SINGLE TIME we planned on a special vacation, she did SOMETHING to make sure I started it angry, frustrated and sick at heart. " -- LoveFraud
When life is out of control and abuses are invisibly administered, we tend to repress and question our feelings -- at least I did. As a result, I started journaling to help me understand the hidden pain. Unless someone has lived that reality, any reader would find this boring or conclude I'm exaggerating.

Anyway, this post is written for my therapeutic healing and maybe a little raw. I'm taking baby steps to describe what I think went wrong: No one else can do this homework for me.

Instead of responding to the red flags that appeared in my relationship with P, I accommodated to her Dr. J & Mr. H personality from the first day of our honey moon (that was twenty years ago).

On the first evening of our honey moon, P and I were watching an exotic tropical dance presentation (similar to Hawaiian Hula) by a group of young woman inside a lush beach resort. When I casually turned to my side, she had disappeared leaving me to guess her “where abouts”. Having searched in vain for what seemed an eternity, I decided to go back to the hotel room and guess what? Yes, she was there. When I entered, the room vibrated with tension. P then unleashed a series of insults with a twisted expression in her face accusing me of being grossly lustful and that she was ashamed to be around someone so grotesque who called himself a Christian. I felt like I was dying.

That was only the beginning of more scary scenarios. In the midst of her tantrums anything was possible. P immersed our wedding cassette tape under the faucet (I tried to rescue it but the mold destroyed it), she tore up a book I gave her on the Christian's view of romantic love; she ripped up our wedding certificate (though she didn't know it was just a copy).

In a journal entry written a couple of years later I wrote the following:
"Today has been a most discouraging day. P and I spent it totally immersed in arguments and debates about the finances. I sensed incredible resentment in my wife with a desolating sense of entitlement -- desolating to me. I feel worn out."

At first I thought my crisis was part of the natural breaking-in process to new marital responsibilities, a new culture and the rest of the mishaps I've already written else where. I have no idea how to put limits on P's abusive behavior. I question my value as a person. Every occasion of celebration (or of rest) triggers ugly scenes. I feel trapped and helpless..."

~ Reflector

Faceless Opponent...

I’ve taken some time out from Blog Land to understand a little more about myself -- to do some insightful reading and far away from any romantic pursuits. I was sensing something bothering me, a nameless, faceless opponent I couldn't identify. I think what I've been fighting (at least partially) is a kind of social anxiety or maybe generalized anxiety. I’m not sure if it's just one or both or something more. I didn't have any signs of social anxiety as a child, so it has me a little baffled. I do remember being outgoing and having enough friends.

I do remember however, that I had a huge fear of asking girls out on a date in my teenage years and would hang the phone up before anyone had a chance to answer. My ego trembled at the thought of rejection. Anyway, other that that I wasn't afraid to socialize and even enjoyed joking around in the class and kids liked it. In fact, I was somewhat delighted to be the center of attention. I didn't even worry about entering a crowded room, but I didn’t like being in loud parties, but that was because I was among adults and considered myself too young to be participating.

Perhaps the stress of a PD marriage changed me so that I don’t enjoy being out and about. Perhaps it’s part of a post traumatic syndrome. It’s all guess work. During my worst years of conflictive marriage I had no friends except those connected to my daughter's mother. These friends were okay, but weren’t exactly the kind of people I would choose if I did the selecting.

They were good persons but had no clue about emotional abuse and the effects it was having on me. Anytime I shared a glimpse of my somber world I’d get a blank look that told me I should stop right then and there. However, I liked them as they seemed to at least value my ability to preach, something I enjoyed doing though I always felt I wasn’t giving it my best. A kind of anxiety would take over that made it hard to be myself in those moments.

Eventually I started to become invisible to others, and I wanted it that way. If no one noticed me, I wouldn't have to talk, or be hurt by their words. I'd like to find and implement an anxiety reduction plan. Has anyone fought a similar battle with anxiety or PTSD?

©Reflector 2008