Monday, September 27, 2010

waves of anger and indignation

 “Most people tend to notice other people’s energy and actions before they notice their own. They become preoccupied with what others are doing or not doing, projecting their ideas about why they are that way. They carry on with criticism or comparisons, while their deeper feelings go unattended.” - Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman

In the beginning phase of my separation I rode on a wave of anger and indignation that provided fuel for a time. I looked forward to the day when I could break with the past and just move on. However, ending a relationship looks easier from a distance. The final showdown doesn’t ring victory. Your head fills with contradictory feelings that you can’t imagine.

Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman explain how we spend much of our emotional energy carelessly and have never been taught emotional self-care. We don’t even know where to begin or how to start. How true this has been in my life. My way of dealing with prolonged emotionally draining situations has been to sit the valley of indecision, hoping the problem will work itself out (while making the problem only worse and more ingrained). I want to stay in limbo, not wanting to finish what I started.

My therapist once said I needed to mourn my relationship even though it was destructive. I didn’t understand what relevance there could be mourning a bad marriage -- why would I do that? The therapist explained there is another kind of loss that has to do with mourning for what could have been, but never unfolded.


Raven of Truth said...

Reflector, I am so sorry for your relational loss. If it's anything like what I've experienced with my FOO, it's a very confusing and empty sort of feeling. I often find myself seeking closure through obsessively trying to understand what went wrong. While that is a good thing, the real healer is time. I know that might sound cliche, but it really is true. Yesterday was the first day of your new life. You may still be exposed to MDM's destructive behavior from time to time, but at least now you can create a safe space for yourself. You can set up clear boundaries so that you can nourish your relationship with DD while having minimal interaction with MDM. Things will get easier. Just take it one step at a time.


Reflector said...

Hi Raven,

Thank you for your earnest comment that rings with kindness and authority because you know what it means to have to close the door when what you would have desired was to open it. It's indeed said when disrespect and abuse leave us no option, but to remove ourselves from those who could have been closest.

Many thanks,