I’ve taken some time out from Blog Land to understand a little more about myself -- to do some insightful reading and far away from any romantic pursuits. I was sensing something bothering me, a nameless, faceless opponent I couldn't identify. I think what I've been fighting (at least partially) is a kind of social anxiety or maybe generalized anxiety. I’m not sure if it's just one or both or something more. I didn't have any signs of social anxiety as a child, so it has me a little baffled. I do remember being outgoing and having enough friends.
I do remember however, that I had a huge fear of asking girls out on a date in my teenage years and would hang the phone up before anyone had a chance to answer. My ego trembled at the thought of rejection. Anyway, other that that I wasn't afraid to socialize and even enjoyed joking around in the class and kids liked it. In fact, I was somewhat delighted to be the center of attention. I didn't even worry about entering a crowded room, but I didn’t like being in loud parties, but that was because I was among adults and considered myself too young to be participating.
Perhaps the stress of a PD marriage changed me so that I don’t enjoy being out and about. Perhaps it’s part of a post traumatic syndrome. It’s all guess work. During my worst years of conflictive marriage I had no friends except those connected to my daughter's mother. These friends were okay, but weren’t exactly the kind of people I would choose if I did the selecting.
They were good persons but had no clue about emotional abuse and the effects it was having on me. Anytime I shared a glimpse of my somber world I’d get a blank look that told me I should stop right then and there. However, I liked them as they seemed to at least value my ability to preach, something I enjoyed doing though I always felt I wasn’t giving it my best. A kind of anxiety would take over that made it hard to be myself in those moments.
Eventually I started to become invisible to others, and I wanted it that way. If no one noticed me, I wouldn't have to talk, or be hurt by their words. I'd like to find and implement an anxiety reduction plan. Has anyone fought a similar battle with anxiety or PTSD?