Growing Out of the Dependent Character Type

"Let us emphasize the futility of this scenario—the exploiter really doesn’t want a satisfying or, for that matter, even a perfect, partner; rather what he or she wants is a partner who, in his or her insecurity, will continue to accept on some level blame for the exploiter’s unending, habitual exploitation." -- Steve Becker

Today I began reading some old notes (by Dr. David Viscott) that I had jotted down, yet even though I knew they were written in my own handwriting, it was as if I was reading them for the first time (see list below). They turned on a lightbulb inside. I felt great comfort to see the progress I have I made -- the green items representing issues I've overcome, while in the blue areas I experience some ups and some downs. Finally, the red items are the most painful to read, because they mirror the work I still have ahead...

As I review the list, I understand why we can be our my worst enemy (in a way) -- leaving ourselves open as an easy target. However, I'd rather see the half-full glass and say... today I'm less of a target than I used to be.

"The Dependent Character Type:

- difficulty expressing hurt in a timely fashion
- doubts his lovability
- his own anger chafes at his self-esteem
- continually asks others for reassurance
- tends to drown in his own feelings
- his “giving” is really taking in disguise
- since he is so needy for continual show of love, he finds it difficult to hear others’ complaints
- has problems maintaining boundaries
- doesn’t want any boundaries to exist
- his wish to be close causes him to disregard his safety and best interests
- he is always hoping the other will change
- he is driven to always make it all better
- his yearning for love-at-all costs is crippling
- it’s hard to learn his lesson – to love himself by himself
- he apologizes even when he is the one who was attacked or hurt
- concerned about being taken care of, he neglects to take care of himself
- he traps himself in a rigid pattern of obligatory giving that drains his energy and makes him bitter

- he usually chooses a controlling person as his life partner
- though he keeps anger to himself, his anger is palpable
- does for some what he needs to do for himself
- sometimes has difficulty defending himself

- he loses others’ respect and invites more abuse

- he feels rejected when others are not paying enough attention

- sometimes feels undeserving to reach out to others

- tends to see others’ positive emotions as a reward for being lovable

- when others do not feel good about themselves, he sometimes takes it personally

- doesn't explore his own opportunities enough since he invests so much in others

- he thinks he needs another to be his best, to assuage his hurt

- usually his boundaries are trespassed when he appeals for affection

- allows himself to be trapped into proving himself "

-- Troubled Reflector