Photo Credit: "I always felt that I needed to work much harder than other people did in order to feel and be loved." -- Christine Anne PlatelConnecting feeling to the past is painful because my father didn't know how to connect with me. Men of his generation (and before) had to be tough and just bear the hardships without complaining. No one had any right to enjoy anything for very long without a dark long shadow looming large. Now, as an adult survivor I have a hard time believing anyone wants me around. I never acknowledged this state-of affairs. How would you called it? The loss of...?
The best title I can offer is the "the loss of feeling wanted" Perhaps it's not a loss, because I don't know if I ever had the feeling in the first place. Now, my wounded inner child screams for attention, seeking ways to compensate for the love deficit of my childhood -- hypervigilantly looking for signs of rejection: long pauses in conversations, bored looks, short replies or smiles that are meant to create distance.
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"Now, my wounded inner child screams for attention, seeking ways to compensate for the love deficit of my childhood -- hypervigilantly looking for signs of rejection: long pauses in conversations, bored looks, short replies or smiles that are meant to create distance."
I very much relate to this. My father was the same way. He seemed indifferent to me, while he gave all of his love and affection to my now narcissistic sister, his golden child. I think we were "trained", if you will, to guess the emotions of our parents and desperately look for signs that they loved or even liked us. This made us hyper sensitive to the social cues and responses of others as we moved into adulthood. I was once called "intense" by a casual acquaintance. I think I come across that way because I try really hard to get along with people and be perfect in my interactions with people due to the fact that perfection was what my family of origin expected of me all of my life. I'm always looking so intently and analyzing every word and move that people make in an attempt to avoid offending them. People around me (and even people online) are just relaxed and feel fine and probably would otherwise like me, but I send out cues of my own that make it seem like I'm trying too hard (which I am). I'm trying to rely more on my own opinion of myself, which I think will help me to feel more relaxed around others because their opinions won't be so crucial to my self-esteem if I have my own internal, unwavering support system.
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