I know it is expected that we be brimming with euphoria during these festive days. It has been a somewhat difficult Christmas vacation for me so far, intermingled with a few moments of laughter.
I don’t know why, but sometimes the pain of life feels more oppressive during Christmas. I begin to feel scared, left out, and as hard as it is for a man to admit it, quite needy. I go from alone to lonely and from explorer to wanderer. In times like these I need to find a hiding place and give full expression of my deepest feelings. This has been one way I truly heal when I can truly be myself.
Love must be something much greater than I learned growing up. If it is so wonderful, if it is the answer - then love sets me free as well as those around me. I know something inside is amiss but it’s not always clear what is going on.
If love is freedom then what does that mean? In reality love doesn’t solve anything. Love only reveals who I am. And it is good that love makes me aware of what goes on inside. It means freedom from shame, judgment, loneliness and freedom from feeling unacceptable. It is a recovery of the lost self - from the bottomless abyss of pain and shame and sadness that I have felt at the core of my being since childhood.
Anyway, my Christmas as you can see, hasn’t come from ornaments, lots of food and shopping, but necessary reflection where Jesus Christ at times becomes center stage, but not always...
© Reflector 2006
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