grief work

Picture Credit

People are generally threatened by emotional vulnerability. Whenever you happen to open up to others, you'll find their eyes oftentimes glaze over. This reflex is strongly aligned to society’s emotional insulation. LeoTolstoy in his novel “The Death of Ivan Ilyich" tells the story of society's deep commitment to this insulation. Everyone wants the main character Ivan to believe he will pull through his sickness when all evidence proves contrary. It's the typical portrait of the denial. As one commentator wrote,

“The artificial life is marked by shallow relationships, self-interest, and materialism. It is insular, unfulfilling, and ultimately incapable of providing answers to the important questions in life. The artificial life is a deception that hides life's true meaning and leaves one terrified and alone at the moment of death.”

Parental figures and authorities involuntarily mistreat us because they were mistreated by previous generations.  These unresolved traumas get swept under the rug and therefore interfere with our present adult existence producing codependence, addictions, depression, mental illness and anxiety.

-- intuitivefeeling

grieving loss as a releasing agent

“If we are grieving, it is because of our blessed capacity to embrace life and take risks.” – Kathleen Hawk

Although writing usually helps clarify my thoughts, composing this journal entry isn't as easy as I imagined. I not only encounter multiple issues that resist translation, I come into collision with my own perceptions. No matter how the words arrange themselves, they look back at me with trifling glances. The deeper I excavate, the less justice accorded to the lived experience. I find I can only endure so much time addressing this topic before I'm consumed with nausea or fatigue.

My Story

When we believe we are undeserving, we may involuntarily open ourselves to unsuitable company without understanding why. These unsuitable personalities have abilities to decode susceptibility and hoodwink others through false assurances. While being charming on the surface, they are volatile, combative, and disrespectful of boundaries. They maintain a persistent self-referential attitude and suck away energy like vampires. Yet, as one therapist put it,

"The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so you deny or forget them."
These abusive episodes operate within cycles and begin with measured doses of seductive sweetness, followed by days of increasing tension, then finally erupting into violent verbal and/or physical attacks. They're called cycles because the sweetness, tension and acting out become a recurring pattern played over and over again like a loop cassette tape.

This kaleidoscope of emotional contradiction is just one example of the drama I faced. After each explosion I’d put on an antic disposition, not wanting to eat nor take care of myself. I breathed a peculiar kind of calm because I didn't have to walk on eggshells. I’d go for long walks alone; I'd interact with strangers on the street; I'd sit near my daughter's bed at night and cry as if to mourn an unforeseeable exile and I’d tuck away a small suitcase with carefully packed clothes, important documents and other essentials, in case I needed a quick getaway. For many years, I strained as I listened to cheerful voices celebrating family achievements or special occasions, yet such joy seemed out of my reach.

Usually when society thinks of grief, it fails to acknowledge losses that are not death related. For many years I have been involuntarily experiencing what therapists refer to as “disenfranchised grief”-- grief that is not socially validated because of the stigma attached to emotional abuse.

Recovery from abuse is as elusive as it is profound. The hardest part is having so few models to follow. You frantically seek help, only to realize the subject at hand is foreign to the general public. Just as support can hold you steady, the opposite can throw you into perplexity.

Only when we embrace trauma, can we release it. Recently I came across a list of “grief” descriptions that I converted into questions to reflect upon. To this end, dear readers there is a means...

Who was I before the abuse began?
Why did I not take action when the abuse first happened?
What about the life I could have lived?
What about the dreams that never bore fruit?
What about the person I thought she was?
What kind of father would I have been had my marriage been different?
What kind of life could my child have lived?
How do I grieve a life I can no longer recover?
How do I come to terms with the way it was -- the way I wished it had been?

-- Intuitive Feeling

role playing

Photo image from www.anxietytreatmentblog.com

"For the traumatized child, life becomes a long, drawn-out crisis. In a psychological phenomenon called hypervigilance, the traumatized child spends most of her time on the lookout for trouble, and as a result, will easily be triggered into fear, anxiety, and depression. Fear increases the level of cortisol, causing chronic tension and anxiety; it can become a frightening, out-of-control vicious cycle." -- Lisa J. Lehr

The big day had arrived.  I had been interviewed as a volunteer counsellor and had been accepted. Finally, the day of the workshop came, the kind where you don’t know you collapse until it’s all over.  When I least expected it, I suffered one of those notable attacks of anxiety, before a group of total strangers.  It happened during an innocent role playing activity, the kind I sought so hard to avoid. What everyone else saw as a mere exercise, loomed large as a life-threatening situation.

I had the misfortune of playing the role of a supposed "wise and experienced" counselor while applying some newly learned therapeutic techniques. I felt like an oxymoron.  As was my custom -- when it came to dramatization -- I went into a tail spin and crashed. My mind went foggy. I felt rigidly self-conscious, insecure and defeated even before I began. It was altogether disorienting.

Nevertheless, when leaving the workshop, I sensed a strange combination of relief and exhaustion. Although my temples pulsated with a dull ache, what surprised me was my ability to reframe the event. I became acutely aware how altered I felt. Before I would feel the urgent need to defend my blundering performance; write the supervisor a long e-mail to apologize and all sorts of other gymnastics, but this time I felt an inexplicable calm. This time I accepted my actions knowing I had done my best in spite of torped fits of momentary panic.
-- intuitivefeeling

givers and takers

Givers tend to fall into the hands of takers. It makes sense. Exploitative folks cannot implement their tactics on individuals similar in kind. While the strategies may vary, the one common denominator of takers fits this lamentable yet true description:



A pastor friend said givers seek to resolve conflicts without causing upset. They attempt to back away from toxic situations using discretion. He explained how useless this is when dealing with manipulators. Put bluntly — there’s no friendly way to get away. Furthermore (the pastor friend concluded) givers need to accept they may even be labelled the bad guy.

~ intuitivefeeling

 

On Grieving

Photo credit: http://www.terrytheweaver.com/

“We have all a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it,

than any other person can be.” ̴ Jane Austen

When I first lived overseas, I had many dreams though I would have had a hard time to articulate them one by one if anyone happened to ask. However, I never imagined twenty years to look back upon so much discord, drama, fear and coercion [how sad]. That’s what has made recovery challenging. The worst part is I blocked out the pain during those years rather than allowing myself to grieve.

Grieving is a strange process, because it cannot be achieved by proxy. No one can do it for you and rarely will you find someone in real time that shows deep concern to accompany you through it. Maybe that’s asking too much from life. No. Grieving needs to be done alone and since I have lived in function of others, it never made it to the top of the priority list. I shared a little bit about this to someone over the phone today, but I couldn’t be sure how it was being received; whether with empathy or indifference-pretending-to-be compassion. We have had an ambiguous kind of friendship which in the end cannot be considered friendship at all. I have felt vibrations saying to the effect: “Keep it short, I have lots to do…”

[I’m typing this out as DD is in the bedroom sleeping] Anyway, I have been making progress and as a result have been feeling stronger. Today DD and I went biking at the metropolitan park. We’ve gone a few times before, but today I can say I enjoyed it. It’s not that the other outings were horrible or anything, but when you’re under the effects of despair and anxiety the vitality is missing. When you’re down, each event seems to be a test of endurance. You push yourself, so instead of building memories, you’re on survival mode. It could be sunny, but its default gray inside. It’s an awful way to live, because life already feels foreshortened as it is.

I confess my motivation for going biking [in prior occasions] was based on getting my daughter out of the house, so she wouldn’t be bored -- so I wouldn’t feel guilt-ridden -- yet secretly I couldn’t wait for the ordeal to be over even before it started. Each part of it was equivalent to climbing a mountain while loathing every step. Does that make sense? It’s good to be experiencing recovery.


̴ Reflector

The Subjective Inner World of the Survivor

logo by quail christian survivor org...

"... I’ve come to believe that healing myself is one of the best things I can do for the people I love, because it makes me sensitive to the right things and gives me the ability to be truly compassionate, without getting sidetracked by my own stuff." ~ Lovefraud Forum Member
In the early stages of my healing journey, I sought therapeutic help anywhere I could find it: from anyone that would listen -- only to feel more misunderstood than before. It took some time to realize that the subject of emotional trauma is a subject too alien for the general public. As one adult abuse victim wrote:

"I don’t think ... people are so uncaring as uninformed... I think we’re exploring the facets of an unacknowledged issue... We are dealing with a spectrum of special cases that are not yet well understood by even very competent therapists who do very well dealing with other issues... The more I say, 'I didn’t ask for it! I didn’t see it coming!' the more I hear, 'What is your role in creating this?' ... Many of us ... are fragile, with wounds that are still raw." ~ Kathleen Hawk
There’s lots of information about trauma on the net from the experts, but little that explores the subjective inner world of the survivor. I find reading other stories helps me to piece together my own puzzle. I realize the road to recovery demands many complex skills and tools beyond will power. It requires close self-examination, educating oneself and discarding old and familiar coping strategies. It entails facing the pain of vulnerability and the courage to reintegrate and serve others.

Thanks to the services of sitemeter.com I know that dear readers do visit reading bits and pieces... If you know about other blogs about trauma, please contact me.

~ Reflector

Contact Info: eyes.openwide (at) hotmail.com

Inner Wounded Children

painting by Joan Miró

When we get around to understanding a little bit about our inner wounded child we are more aware about how our past can interfere with our present. As a young adult I knew I had issues to wrestle through -- both big and small. Still, apart from reading self-help books and listening to good sermons, I had no clue how to resolve my inner conflicts nor where to begin, so I often settled for avoiding my inner world.

I struggled with compulsive behaviors like rescuing others from their problems, excessive gift-giving and "falling in love" too fast. My locus of motivation focused externally, seeking to get my supply of approval through people pleasing. The wake up call came when I read John Bradshaw's book, "Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child"

Bradshaw writes some penetrating descriptions that pertain to the inner wounded child that are worth considering. Here is a summary of his thoughts (sprinkled with some of my own comments) for your viewing. Those of us who have had an emotionally chaotic childhood with many traumas may find ourselves struggling with some of these issues:

We may have difficulty trusting ourselves to meet our needs and therefore think we need someone else to meet them.
We may have difficulty trusting others so that we feel we have to be in control of our surrounding all the time.
We may fail to detect body signals such as not being aware how tired we are.
We may neglect going to the doctor or dentist.
We may have deep fears of abandonment.
We may feel we don’t belong anywhere or anyone.
In social situations we may be invisible so no one notices us, yet not even be aware why we do this.
We may attempt to make ourselves indispensable to others to make sure they will not leave us.
We may have a great need to be touched or hugged that could make us vulnerable to bonding too soon, too deep with someone we don’t even know and who could even be harmful to us…
We may have an obsessive need to be valued and may have difficulty establishing boundaries for fear that others may not like those boundaries.
We may isolate ourselves out of fear that people might end up rejecting us or we might end up rejecting them.Some of us are gullible and don’t see other people’s hidden agenda or else we see the hidden agenda but go along with it all the same...

This week spilled over with lots of activities and sweets at the school where I teach. In my host country we celebrated Children's Day on September 9th. As a result the sermon or talk this morning at church reflected upon the nature and rights of children.

The lady speaker said we live in an adult-centered world where children are subjected to the whims of adults who have authority over them. The idea reminded me of Pink Floyd's, "The Wall: We Don't Need No Education" with it's piercing protest, -- "All in all, you're just another brick in the wall." When I first heard this revolutionary song in 1993, I thought it was diabolical. Now, I've come to see a lot of truth in the lyrics.

Unfortunately, adults speak as if they are the OWNERS of the truth and act as if they have the last say on everything. I thought it was an interesting view since our society seems to idealize youth (as a way of marketing products) while treating them as inferior beings on the other hand.

The speaker also shared how this is one of the most challenging periods in history in which to raise children, because so many technological advances are competing for their attention. Adults will do anything to appease their offspring materially, while being too busy to be involved in any way with their spiritual and emotional development. The result is that children do not have a model of how to relate to God or else the model is defective, oppressive or too rigid. The speaker asked, "What concept do parents transmit to their children about the nature of God? Do they delegate this responsibility to someone else (like a Sunday school teacher)?

The speaker finished by pointing out that Jesus not only defended children, but considered them to be the model to follow because of their believing, trustful nature.

As an educator, I'm reflecting about this sermon, because most of my adult responses toward children follow a subconscious script of how I was treated when I was a child. It takes a lot of inner work to bring those past experiences into the conscious world in order to be able to view them objectively and correct them. Often a red light flashes on my dash, telling me that my tone was too severe or that I wasn't listening to what the student was trying to communicate. Too often, I have to catch myself reacting rather than responding -- something so slow to change.

I wanted to share a comment I received in response to my previous post about heightened sensitivity. At first I thought I could post it as it was written and let it speak for itself, but I realized I needed to take another approach so as not to confuse my readers.

As an introduction, the author shared that she (like me) didn't have the natural discernment or "sifter" to see through people as she would like to and had to learn about PDs by visiting forums and reading about them (as well as studying psychology and all kinds of aspects of human behavior). I think that in general HSPs take longer to clue into their world and tend to take many things about life for granted. That is, we HSPs are not born street wise and have to be tutored or self-tutored along the way.

She shared how as a latch-key kid raised she had to survive by her own wits while her parents worked; how her mother was as a hard-driving fashion executive and how her grandmother used to say that the author was 'too sensitive.' She was never told about core human values nor instructed to defend herself more assertively. She wrote,

"As my father agreed last week, I basically raised myself. So I do know a bit about what you speak; my sensitivity reared its head when my brother abused me, when neighborhood kids abused me and I didn't know what to do about it so I absorbed it instead.

I realized that I'd never STUDIED PEOPLE. And that this is a critical, critical life lesson that kids need to be taught very young. But it's not too late -- survivors ... are a testament to that.

The piece I never picked up on was that other people's motives and motivations aren't necessarily like mine, aren't necessarily genuine and consistent with what they say/how they try to act -- and the whole notion that people wear masks, disordered or not.

And so learning about postures/body language, facial expressions, voice tones -- in essence, the stuff the intelligence and law enforcement communities use daily, (as well as politicians, actors, corporate management et al.), is wildly useful as it opens a door into a new world: The layers below/beyond the presentation.

Because of this adventure the way I now view, listen to, understand and interact with people has changed forever, hopefully for the better ... with the usual trips and stumbles along the way ....

Perhaps directing your study toward these kinds of topics might be useful for you?"

What she wrote about immediately resonated because I too was a latch-key kid and raised myself along the way. Italian immigrant families didn't have the inside story about the complexity of raising their children in a foreign country. They had enough of a hard time just surviving day to day on a personal level.

The author also shared with me her struggle to own her own opinions or thoughts while she was growing up. I also related to this, because I never thought my opinions or thoughts mattered to others. I seemed invisible to others. Here is how she tells the rest of the story,

"The other main lesson I've learned is that, somewhere/somehow along the way I was either never taught about my own instinct, or perhaps never given permission to live by it, or was perhaps trained to respond to outside permissions always over my own instinct, so through the years I became disconnected from it/didn't see it/no longer relied on it but came to rely instead of any kind of outside input I could gather. In essence I replaced my own instinct void with Other People's Opinions. Which shifts power from the Self to Those Outside the Self and can make one quite stagnant if one is afraid to move in any direction without that approval. (When someone doesn't have a supportive mate in a R (relationship), and that mate becomes abusive and maliciously manipulative, this tendency kicks in hard and if one's voluntarily assumed position in the R is socioeconomically dependent, that makes it more difficult for the one becoming recessive to keep the peace and comfortable safety going until it's no longer possible to do so.)

Recapturing one's own instinct, testing its rightness and relying on the fact that, though it's not right for others it's right for you and that is the #1 primary thing that matters, is a really important step toward strengthening the True Self. Even if we have to swim upstream, pull away from the herd or actively defy those who've influenced us to get free enough to do it.

Through time I've taken inventory and found that, when I've not trusted my instinct, things have gone more awry than if I'd done so.

Doing this at first can be so tentative it's like dipping our toe in the water, then going in ankle-deep, then knee-deep, then waist-high, then gradually swimming around.

There's nothing wrong with gentleness, with refinement. Especially if we were raised in a certain culture or geography and find ourselves having to operate in a substantially different culture that's perhaps more rough-hewn.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," societal shaming and all. If our backbone is stronger than society's will to break it, we continue to stand tall and walk among those who don't necessarily support or defend us, but we no longer care if they do because we support and defend ourselves."

-- NewWings4MeNow

Overcoming Emotional Chaos

It's taken me a long time to see the turbulance inside of me -- a state I grew up with and therefore hardly noticed. Like a fish inside water, it has no idea what any other environment looks or feels like. That's how I sometimes feel even today.


I'm reading a challenging book, entitled, "Overcoming Emotional Chaos" and will be sharing insights that the two authors express. The one idea I've grasped so far is that blaming and lashing out only works against oneself. Blaming (even well deserved blame) drains the blamer rather than the blamee. It's important to grow in what promotes healing even when the principles feel foreign and difficult to implement (at first).

--Reflector

Pressing the pause button...

¨The artist is an individual, the true artist never hesitates … to be himself.¨
It’s euphoric to ride on the end of a free flowing pen, watch the ink travel from my veins onto blank paper. To write is to access higher levels of consciousness, awareness, understanding in an imaginative reordering of experience that is sublime even in describing the most common observations. The greatest artists, composers and writers, are immensely productive, not just a few masterpieces but often twenty, fifty… even a hundred!!! However, although we may have this wonderful access to a higher state of being, it does not mean we have it all the time. We sometimes need to apply the brakes, take some breathing space in order to recharge the proverbial batteries.

It’s not always easy to listen to the rhythms inside myself especially when it implies pressing the ¨pause¨ button. I’d rather be in perpetual action because it feels great to receive positive feedback about what excites me. However, as the proverbs say, ¨To everything there is a season¨ and for me it’s a time to build up what’s been torn down, to gain new perspective, to rend, to sew, to sow and reap, but most of all to be me at all times… whether writing or just gathering new strength.

-- Reflector