when dreams depart

photo credit

When it comes to traumatic events, sometimes the underlying issues are obscured even to those who experienced them. The most anyone can do is to be as objective as humanly possible, trusting he has made the best evaluation possible.

It's usually with apprehension he opens his wounds to anyone, for just as the support of a friend can hold him steady, the disparaging of the latter can throw him into an abyss. At first he seeks support from anyone who'll listen, but eventually comes to realize the subject at hand is foreign to the general public. He therefore devotes large chunks of time to understanding what went wrong and its effects upon interpersonal relationships, health and personal growth.

I came to realize as long as you live with some people in an Gilligan-Island existence, all is love and peace. To the public eye it is difficult to perceive there are human beings who are incapable of sustaining long term friendships except nominally. Some will work day and night to sabotage your connections by 1) seeking to poison your view of others and 2) absorbing your energy with a long list of demands.

Some people also inflict terror so eventually a flash of the eyes is all that is needed.  Cycles of abuse consist in measured doses of sweetness and calm, that eventually lead to periods of tension and hostility, that eventually erupt into verbal attacks. As Darlene Lancer says, "The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so that you deny or forget them."

This shift back and forth, can push you into a role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet. After each “explosion” he’s walk about in an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of himself.  While to others the list below may seem to be a collection of cold clinical data, to me each trait is a condensed prompt that elicits more distressing personal stories.

-- Intuitive Feeling

Paranoid Personality Disorder -- ICD-10 is characterized by the following traits:

- excessive sensitivity to setbacks and rebuffs;
- tendency to bear grudges persistently, i.e. refusal to forgive insults and injuries or slights;
- suspiciousness and a pervasive tendency to distort experience by misconstruing the neutral or friendly actions of others as hostile or contemptuous;
- a combative and tenacious sense of personal rights out of keeping with the actual situation;
- recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding sexual fidelity of spouse or sexual partner;
- tendency to experience excessive self-importance, manifest in a persistent self-referential attitude;

- preoccupation with unsubstantiated "conspiratorial" explanations of events both immediate to the patient and in the world at large.

-- The World Health Organization

 

The Subjective Inner World of the Survivor

logo by quail christian survivor org...

"... I’ve come to believe that healing myself is one of the best things I can do for the people I love, because it makes me sensitive to the right things and gives me the ability to be truly compassionate, without getting sidetracked by my own stuff." ~ Lovefraud Forum Member
In the early stages of my healing journey, I sought therapeutic help anywhere I could find it: from anyone that would listen -- only to feel more misunderstood than before. It took some time to realize that the subject of emotional trauma is a subject too alien for the general public. As one adult abuse victim wrote:

"I don’t think ... people are so uncaring as uninformed... I think we’re exploring the facets of an unacknowledged issue... We are dealing with a spectrum of special cases that are not yet well understood by even very competent therapists who do very well dealing with other issues... The more I say, 'I didn’t ask for it! I didn’t see it coming!' the more I hear, 'What is your role in creating this?' ... Many of us ... are fragile, with wounds that are still raw." ~ Kathleen Hawk
There’s lots of information about trauma on the net from the experts, but little that explores the subjective inner world of the survivor. I find reading other stories helps me to piece together my own puzzle. I realize the road to recovery demands many complex skills and tools beyond will power. It requires close self-examination, educating oneself and discarding old and familiar coping strategies. It entails facing the pain of vulnerability and the courage to reintegrate and serve others.

Thanks to the services of sitemeter.com I know that dear readers do visit reading bits and pieces... If you know about other blogs about trauma, please contact me.

~ Reflector

Contact Info: eyes.openwide (at) hotmail.com

Unavailable Parents

Photo Credit:

As a child I remember my father's dark and stormy character with his unpredictable outbursts of rage. He only made eye contact when shouting at me. 

My mother on the other hand strained under the weight of many internal and external conflicts. Her disastrous marriage undermined her health in the form of migraines, ulcers, anxiety and bouts of depression, so that no matter how much she loved her us (her two children), we became a small wedge when it came to receiving her attention and love.

Fortunately, my relationship with my mother did blossom later in life and we still enjoy each other’s company greatly. She continues to be a source of support and inspiration to me especially in times of need. My father continues to be aloof and violent in temper and although I try to have conversations with him, they are more like monologues. 

Intuitive Feeling

Low Mantenance Child

Photo Image by Anonymous

“Being a low-maintenance child or partner (a nice word for self-neglect) is idealized as a valuable attribute.” – Charlotte Z. Cavatica

“It is common for people to say we all have a void that only God can fill. That is probably true but the emptiness I lived with and inside of was greater than any natural, inborn need for God. It was the void that nurturing parents are assigned to fill as they love, protect, and encourage their child. By this they teach their son or daughter who they are, and of their importance, and place in the world. I didn’t have that and though I managed to survive, I had no fully developed identity of my own.” -- Pam Witzemann

Through most of my life, I sought to hide, fix or "unbe" myself. Coming from an Southern Italian immigrant background, my role as a child and youth called me to adopt a highly charged, extroverted cover -- at least in theory. I mattered to others only to the extent that I reflected the resilience and tough-mindedness of a typical high school jock. So, somehow I ended up becoming a burden bearer instead -- obsessed with fixing other people’s problems.


Since I couldn’t rely upon my caregivers nor my immediate environment to meet my needs, I became as low-maintenance as possible, someone who focused his energy upon rescuing others. I derived great satisfaction from this learned behavior. I not only remember having an exaggerated fear of letting others down early in life, but felt acutely responsible for others’ feelings of disappointment or anger. This set me up to having huge boundary issues or a lack of them.


The idea of introspection is meant to release empathetic persons from the prison house of the past. However, I read this week that if our rumination leads to blaming(either ourselves or others), then we will remain stuck in the funk of our emotions. Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman state in their book, “Overcoming Emotional Chaos” the following key concept that I really appreciate and am seeking to implement:


“One of the most important things to release is faultfinding or blame toward yourself or another. Blame keeps spirit in retreat. To bring in more of your spirit, you need to take full responsibility for yourself and realize that you have the power to release judgment, resentment, or hostility. You do it for your own health and well-being if not for any other reason.”


Learning to keep blame in check is a hard lesson for me to retain as I did the blaming so automatically in the name of honesty and/or authenticity. Since I disliked folks who projected a pristine, I’ve-got-it-all-together persona, I didn’t want to fall into this phony category. So, I learned there are two extremes that need to be avoided: “Nicety” as well as blame.

Inner Wounded Children

painting by Joan Miró

When we get around to understanding a little bit about our inner wounded child we are more aware about how our past can interfere with our present. As a young adult I knew I had issues to wrestle through -- both big and small. Still, apart from reading self-help books and listening to good sermons, I had no clue how to resolve my inner conflicts nor where to begin, so I often settled for avoiding my inner world.

I struggled with compulsive behaviors like rescuing others from their problems, excessive gift-giving and "falling in love" too fast. My locus of motivation focused externally, seeking to get my supply of approval through people pleasing. The wake up call came when I read John Bradshaw's book, "Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child"

Bradshaw writes some penetrating descriptions that pertain to the inner wounded child that are worth considering. Here is a summary of his thoughts (sprinkled with some of my own comments) for your viewing. Those of us who have had an emotionally chaotic childhood with many traumas may find ourselves struggling with some of these issues:

We may have difficulty trusting ourselves to meet our needs and therefore think we need someone else to meet them.
We may have difficulty trusting others so that we feel we have to be in control of our surrounding all the time.
We may fail to detect body signals such as not being aware how tired we are.
We may neglect going to the doctor or dentist.
We may have deep fears of abandonment.
We may feel we don’t belong anywhere or anyone.
In social situations we may be invisible so no one notices us, yet not even be aware why we do this.
We may attempt to make ourselves indispensable to others to make sure they will not leave us.
We may have a great need to be touched or hugged that could make us vulnerable to bonding too soon, too deep with someone we don’t even know and who could even be harmful to us…
We may have an obsessive need to be valued and may have difficulty establishing boundaries for fear that others may not like those boundaries.
We may isolate ourselves out of fear that people might end up rejecting us or we might end up rejecting them.Some of us are gullible and don’t see other people’s hidden agenda or else we see the hidden agenda but go along with it all the same...

waves of anger and indignation

 “Most people tend to notice other people’s energy and actions before they notice their own. They become preoccupied with what others are doing or not doing, projecting their ideas about why they are that way. They carry on with criticism or comparisons, while their deeper feelings go unattended.” - Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman

In the beginning phase of my separation I rode on a wave of anger and indignation that provided fuel for a time. I looked forward to the day when I could break with the past and just move on. However, ending a relationship looks easier from a distance. The final showdown doesn’t ring victory. Your head fills with contradictory feelings that you can’t imagine.

Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman explain how we spend much of our emotional energy carelessly and have never been taught emotional self-care. We don’t even know where to begin or how to start. How true this has been in my life. My way of dealing with prolonged emotionally draining situations has been to sit the valley of indecision, hoping the problem will work itself out (while making the problem only worse and more ingrained). I want to stay in limbo, not wanting to finish what I started.

My therapist once said I needed to mourn my relationship even though it was destructive. I didn’t understand what relevance there could be mourning a bad marriage -- why would I do that? The therapist explained there is another kind of loss that has to do with mourning for what could have been, but never unfolded.

I wanted to share a comment I received in response to my previous post about heightened sensitivity. At first I thought I could post it as it was written and let it speak for itself, but I realized I needed to take another approach so as not to confuse my readers.

As an introduction, the author shared that she (like me) didn't have the natural discernment or "sifter" to see through people as she would like to and had to learn about PDs by visiting forums and reading about them (as well as studying psychology and all kinds of aspects of human behavior). I think that in general HSPs take longer to clue into their world and tend to take many things about life for granted. That is, we HSPs are not born street wise and have to be tutored or self-tutored along the way.

She shared how as a latch-key kid raised she had to survive by her own wits while her parents worked; how her mother was as a hard-driving fashion executive and how her grandmother used to say that the author was 'too sensitive.' She was never told about core human values nor instructed to defend herself more assertively. She wrote,

"As my father agreed last week, I basically raised myself. So I do know a bit about what you speak; my sensitivity reared its head when my brother abused me, when neighborhood kids abused me and I didn't know what to do about it so I absorbed it instead.

I realized that I'd never STUDIED PEOPLE. And that this is a critical, critical life lesson that kids need to be taught very young. But it's not too late -- survivors ... are a testament to that.

The piece I never picked up on was that other people's motives and motivations aren't necessarily like mine, aren't necessarily genuine and consistent with what they say/how they try to act -- and the whole notion that people wear masks, disordered or not.

And so learning about postures/body language, facial expressions, voice tones -- in essence, the stuff the intelligence and law enforcement communities use daily, (as well as politicians, actors, corporate management et al.), is wildly useful as it opens a door into a new world: The layers below/beyond the presentation.

Because of this adventure the way I now view, listen to, understand and interact with people has changed forever, hopefully for the better ... with the usual trips and stumbles along the way ....

Perhaps directing your study toward these kinds of topics might be useful for you?"

What she wrote about immediately resonated because I too was a latch-key kid and raised myself along the way. Italian immigrant families didn't have the inside story about the complexity of raising their children in a foreign country. They had enough of a hard time just surviving day to day on a personal level.

The author also shared with me her struggle to own her own opinions or thoughts while she was growing up. I also related to this, because I never thought my opinions or thoughts mattered to others. I seemed invisible to others. Here is how she tells the rest of the story,

"The other main lesson I've learned is that, somewhere/somehow along the way I was either never taught about my own instinct, or perhaps never given permission to live by it, or was perhaps trained to respond to outside permissions always over my own instinct, so through the years I became disconnected from it/didn't see it/no longer relied on it but came to rely instead of any kind of outside input I could gather. In essence I replaced my own instinct void with Other People's Opinions. Which shifts power from the Self to Those Outside the Self and can make one quite stagnant if one is afraid to move in any direction without that approval. (When someone doesn't have a supportive mate in a R (relationship), and that mate becomes abusive and maliciously manipulative, this tendency kicks in hard and if one's voluntarily assumed position in the R is socioeconomically dependent, that makes it more difficult for the one becoming recessive to keep the peace and comfortable safety going until it's no longer possible to do so.)

Recapturing one's own instinct, testing its rightness and relying on the fact that, though it's not right for others it's right for you and that is the #1 primary thing that matters, is a really important step toward strengthening the True Self. Even if we have to swim upstream, pull away from the herd or actively defy those who've influenced us to get free enough to do it.

Through time I've taken inventory and found that, when I've not trusted my instinct, things have gone more awry than if I'd done so.

Doing this at first can be so tentative it's like dipping our toe in the water, then going in ankle-deep, then knee-deep, then waist-high, then gradually swimming around.

There's nothing wrong with gentleness, with refinement. Especially if we were raised in a certain culture or geography and find ourselves having to operate in a substantially different culture that's perhaps more rough-hewn.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," societal shaming and all. If our backbone is stronger than society's will to break it, we continue to stand tall and walk among those who don't necessarily support or defend us, but we no longer care if they do because we support and defend ourselves."

-- NewWings4MeNow

Red Flags

Whenever I mentioned to others how I stayed in an abusive marriage for 16 years, the classic response I'd get was why would anyone tolerate such a "relationship" for so long if it was so bad?


Letting go of an intensely harmful relationship is more complicated than it looks, because perpetrators can be as sweet and tender as they are hostile and self-absorbed. It's a lethal mix. They have a super natural ability to morph themselves in order to get what they want. They intuitively scan you up and down, knowing how to unlock the door to the heart saying all the right words you want to hear -- whatever gets the job done: sometimes sweetness, sometimes rage, sometimes coldness: never knowing which emotional state you are going to encounter.


Those of us who suffer from a low nurturance/conflictive FOO (family or origin) ... are more vulnerable to being hooked to this kind of person with highly unpredicable behaviours. The uncertainty registers as love or what we perceive as ¨love¨ from our childhood.


This is just one of many long-standing issues I’ve experienced. MDM not only suffered from bouts of jealousy, tantrums, possessiveness, lack of empathy, but also generated a force field of anxiety and tension being a Type A personality.


Red Flags:

MDM was especially skilled in using her powers to push me off balance or engulf me. To be in her emotional vicinity, was to be exposed to endless episodes of "gas lighting" and insecurity:

- was manipulative; exploiting my good will
- acting as if she was capable of empathy
- knew how to deplete my time, energy and financial assets
- demanded constant attention
- an underlying hostility just under the surface waiting to pounce on me with her famous fiery red glare
- concocted endless long-lasting accusations against my family of origin designed to alienate them or isolate me from their influence
- possessed a sophisticated radar to detect my soft spots rapidly. This emotional instability came across as a strong dose of disapproval where I end up compensating with all kinds of appeasing responses
- started arguments and thrived on conflict: addicted to the drama
- showed no motivation to do any internal work necessary to reconstruct trust and intimacy
-- Reflector

Hoovering

I learned the term, "hoover" means getting sucked into the same relationship even though you know in your heart it's hazardous to your health. It can happen over and over again if you're not grounded -- especially when you have co-parenting duties to fulfill on a daily basis. A few times I've been taken off guard getting into a friendly conversation with my stbxP. I find that until you have a specific vocabulary for a given dynamic, you are more liable to fall prey.

It's been my tendency to second guess myself, believing in grace -- that maybe I had been too harsh or too quick in my judgments of her. It's easy to forget the hellish world I lived through now that I have had time and space to recuperate my somewhat lost identity and emotional/physical health.

~ Reflector

Symptoms of PTSD

I've been reading in the support forums that PTSD is a common response to abusive relationships so I decided to select descriptors that applied to me. I have overcome some symptoms while others like social isolation and getting overwhelmed are still issues...

My PTSD symptoms:

"Difficulty “letting go” of the event, or dwelling on “what if?”
Feeling emotionally overwhelmed, or having emotions get out of control
Lack of interest in usual activities or hobbies; apathy
Withdrawing from family, friends, or coworkers; not wanting to talk
No interest in sex
Being irritable, jumpy, “on guard”, “wired”, or unable to relax
Feeling insecure around friends; feeling uncomfortable in crowds
Not wanting to be touched
Avoiding things that remind one of the traumatic experience
Feeling fearful or being afraid to leave home; panic attacks
Increased conflict with others
Difficulty concentrating or remembering things; poor attention span
Difficulty making decisions or solving problems
Confusion
Feeling like your going crazy
Feeling helpless
Clinging
Depression may also be present (feelings of sadness, hopelessness, loneliness, changes in sleeping or eating habits, difficulty making decisions, lack of energy)"

-- Reflector
Reference: PTSD Alliance / Anxiety Disorder Association of America www.adaa.org Aftershock (Slaby, 1989)

Codependent or Not...

I wish I could distinguish the difference between those serious emotional impairments of life from those invented by the self-help industry for personal or commercial gain. For example, there are authors who assign denial, confusion and self-doubt under the umbrella of codependent behavior. Is it true? On the other hand, others believe "codependency" is a myth and does not need treatment, but is viewed as a healthy personality trait taken to an excess (Wikipedia). So, are we talking about a psychological disorder/handicap that requires life long help, or rather a condition requiring some guidance and reorientation about setting boundaries? This controversy continues to elude and sometimes torment me. What's worse is that my dilemma doesn't end with codependency, for I have just about as many questions about other areas of life such as spouse-related abuse (narcissism), divorce, starting over after divorce and personality traits (HSP).

-- TR

Those evasive feelings...

“Only Faith beholds that all is well.” -- S.R. Lysaght

How are you doing? Have you ever felt somewhat stuck... perhaps thinking too much about how to answer that evasive question? I do. Indeed, it becomes evasive if we focus upon that minute membrane called Feelings that are complex... restless little creatures that stir in the night.

Well, in the last while I’ve been learning to accept REALITY (a little more) for what life is rather than what I want it to be. It's been a vital part of cultivating a more affirmative philosophy of life, because no matter how intense or annoying circumstances can be, those circumstances make up the present that I live out from day to day.

Denying the uncomfortable realities is a denial of living, because it makes us want to fast forward life only to the places where we experience peace and harmony rather than discomfort, conflict or upset. Whether we like it or not our marching orders are to build bridges over the rough terrain of life in order to make progress don't you think?

Many of my Italian relatives (with the best intentions) often fed my sister and I ideas of entitlement... that we should insist on an easier life and thus showing little tolerance during the "hard times". This leads to self pity and resentment. No matter how much it eats at us, no matter how annoying, we need to face the facts of life and put our wishful thinking aside of how we prefer life to be.

I think this is a remedy against anger, self-pity, bitterness, etc… I think resentment is in fact … the residue that comes from demanding that life to be different than it is… and so we allow our energy to be drained by such fantasy as being light, harmonious and totally pain-free. I find it so rarely works that way.

What are your thoughts on this subject? How are you doing?

TR 2009 ©

underdog outlook...

Some of us believe we have to have someone beside ourselves to tell us how wonderful we are or else we go into a state of deep sadness. With our self-esteem extrinsically based, the idea of being loved gives us a feeling of euphoria, but on the flip side, we plunge into despair whenever the positive feedback pauses or ceases altogether. We often needlessly carry these intense feelings inside in self-punishing ways.

What's important to realize is that this inner state of turmoil is quite common and many people around us experience similar bouts of anguish, so we need not despair into believing we are alone or we are some awful phenomenon who is destined to live in the shadows without hope for finding enduring love. What we need to recognize is that the most formidable obstacle is inside us.  It's important to choose friends who will bring out the best in us so we feel secure around them.

-- intuitivefeeling

Love deficit...

When you come from an empty-love-tank background (what others refer to as our love deficit), it’s second nature to build or at least intend to build your life around a significant other as if all meaning funneled through this one person. It’s personally taken lots of inner work to overcome this tendency and even now it afflicts me with a restlessness hard to shake.

Melody Beattie in her book, “Finding Your Way Home” recognized this same trait especially when she was facing the fiercest crisis of her life. She writes,“It made me feel frightened, clingy, and desperate. I wanted to solve my aloneness by having someone promise to be there always for me and never leave my side.That wasn’t going to happen. Not yet. That wasn’t the lesson… The purpose was to teach me about transpersonal relationships, the non-sticky kind, the ones that come to teach you lessons, then leave when the lesson is learned. The purpose was to listen for the ring of truth so I could hear the voice of God in every voice I heard.The purpose wasn’t just to lose my fear of death; it was to heal my fears about life.”

Melody had the courage to look beyond her natural tendency, setting her sights on what can be referred to as “visitations of love”. If we place our emotional investment in one person, we’re bound to feel let down, especially because our love deficit expects 24/7 exclusive attention -- a form of love that rides on the edge of unrealistic. This state of neediness only repels the love we long for. I remember as a youth feeling intensely that my existence only mattered to the degree that I could attract that special someone who would fill the huge gapping hole.

Part of what is helping to become more independent has been developing outside interests that include a more serious commitment to reading and journaling. For me journaling has become a companion where I can sketch out my thoughts and feelings down on paper to gain objectivity and perspective. It’s where God meets me to sort out the confusing and sometimes alienating or alarming circumstances of life. The reward of journaling (or blogging) comes in the doing and not so much in the number of responses I may or may not receive, although it’s encouraging to know that others can relate to my stories.

-- Troubled Reflector © 2008

The Rescuer Archetype

“ Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.” -- Alice Walker

For most of my life I was a reluctant social drifter, accepting my role as a quiet observer, yet somehow internally passionate at the same time. Without knowing why I found myself following a rescuer archetype, which I will designate, the "Littlest Hobo". This will require digging up some dusty archive TV knowledge: Some of you might remember the intriguing old ¨Littlest Hobo¨ series from the 70s. It focused around a stray German shepherd that wandered from town to town rescuing people in need. It was similar to Lassie, but the Littlest Hobo never had an owner and though many people sought to adopt him, he preferred to be on his own and would head off by himself at the end of each episode. The faces of the actors always changed so that the only constant was the dog.

The dismystification process unfolded as my eyes opened to personality disorders. Although the poem below belongs to another writer under different circumstances, I still identify with the idea of being outside the door of my father's life and how it resulted in a pattern of moving from place to place without forming roots. Of course, there is something noble about rescuing strangers without asking anything in return, without belonging ... moving on as that little superhero figure. Perhaps it was safer to acquire admiration from a distance than risk intimacy with who kNows who … rescuing gets the job done, but without the ties that eventually could wound or shatter one's fragile idealistic world.

© TR 2008

"Underneath The Door"

My father was a doctor

Who would come home late at night

With a soul so bruised and bleeding

From his unending, faithful fight

To keep a hold of kindness

In a world that isn't kind

To hold out the hope of healing

To his hurting humankind.
Then he'd flee back to his study

To his bookish, quiet place

With notes and books and journals

To wall in his special space

And then he'd lock the door

From things that cannot be locked out

And his youngest son would starve for what

He'd always do without
But it was meant to make me who I am

And for all these many years

Still the little boy down on his knees

Full of hope and full of fear

Calling underneath the door

"This is me, it's who I am."

Cause we love the best by listening

When we try to understand
Desperate stubby fingers

Pushing pictures 'neath the door

Longing to be listened to

By the man that I adored

Inside someone who needed me

As much as I did him

Unable to unlock the door

That stayed closed inside of him
It's strange the way we tend to flee

From what we need the most

That a father would lock out a son

When his heart would hold him close

But our wounds are part of who we are

And there is nothing left to chance

And pain's the pen that writes the songs

That call us forth to dance.

Lyrics/Credits:P 2002 Covenant Artists, LLC©

2001 Mole End Music/Administered by Word Music Michael Card

Anxiety and religion...

As a child I visualized God as distant, temperamental and awfully strict. I think that's why I received the salvation message with open arms when I heard what the Scriptures really had to say about Him... (and about you and about me).

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."-- Matthew 11:28-30 (N I V)

Wow, gentle and humble in heart: Now that was news for me! I never imagined God being like a loving father or mother. As a boy, and before Caller ID devices were invented, I used to call my mother at work. After routinely asking the receptionist to transfer the call, I’d hear my mother talk through this impersonal “business-as-usual” voice that she would use to address the public, however, when she identified who I was, her voice filled with the empathy and sweetness that she conveyed at home; the love and the warmth I was used to. I didn’t need any persuasive techniques for her to shift from impersonal to personal mode. It was enough that she was addressing her son to make the change.

How important it is to feel this sense of belonging with God -- a confidence when approaching Him.Why is this kind of repose in God so rare? Doctor Gerrit Glas says that religion can either reduce or aument anxiety. He writes,

“Having some type of religious affiliation appears to be related to lower anxiety levels in the general population. Intrinsic religiosity is associated with less worry and anxiety, whereas contemplative prayer is correlated with increased security and less distress. (1) Intrinsic religiosity refers to a lifestyle in which religion is personally appropriated and "lived" from WITHIN. Extrinsic religiosity, in contrast, refers to a lifestyle in which religion is related to SOCIAL CONVENTION. (2,3) There are ... studies that find a relationship between religion and increased anxiety. Some of these seem to focus on extrinsic forms of religion.”

It's odd that Anxiety can even plague light bearers, but if you're like me, I didn't even recognize it. It was just too vague a feeling that had no name or label and therefore it escaped every detection mechanism inside me, but thanks to Gerrit Glas I now have a better understanding about Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic religiosity. I've lived both realms. How about you? I'd be glad to get your feedback on this.

Troubled Reflector © 2008

Unsolicited iNadequacy...

Inadequacy has been an unsolicited companion since childhood. Actually, I viewed her as a permanent resident. I even used to have recurrent dreams where it took center stage. There were several scenarios yet all of them produced somewhat the same sensation: Sometimes I'd be preaching before a congregation I never had seen, however, I didn't have a Bible with me and couldn't remember the text I was to preach from.


Sometimes I'd find myself in a park area I had never been to before where I was wearing only pyjamas, yet had to make my way past the police that surrounded the area to get back home.

Sometimes I'd be in an unfamiliar High School writing a math exam having no idea how to answer the unintelligible equations that were staring me in the face. Sometimes I’d be involved in hockey (as a youth) but hadn’t brought the appropriate equipment so I'd have to sit on the sideline and just watch.



When I used to have these dreams I could feel the tension go through my whole body, I’d sweat only to later realize it was just a dream, but a dream that revealed so much about my emotional/psychological makeup.



Don Miller, a Christian writer, writes about this same tendency.  He describes how he tends to second guess himself about too many things… whether or not his ideas are right … whether or not people like him… whether he will get married or not …whether his future girl will leave him if he does marry… whether his car is fashionable enough, … and whether he sounds like an idiot when he speaks in public.


How about you? Do you suffer from inadequacy?


© Reflector 2008

Low nurturance...

¨Emotional dependency means getting one’s good feelings from outside oneself. It means needing to get filled from outside rather than from within. Who or what do you believe is responsible for your emotional wellbeing? Primarily, ... (recovery) means recognizing that our feelings come from our own thoughts, beliefs and behavior, rather than from others or from circumstances. Once you understand and accept that you create your own feelings, rather than your feelings coming from outside yourself, then you can begin to take emotional responsibility.¨-- Margaret Paul

I've been digging lately, seeking to understand the effects of low nurturance that dominated my childhood producing a submissive kind of emotional dependency as an adult. Many well-intentioned friends say I should forget about my past and move on. For me the idea of leaving the past in the past is a half truth. I believe the way toward healing is to face my family background because I can only be freed from what I acknowledge. What I fail to acknowledge about myself will be projected onto others in the form of neediness rather than love. As I’ve been making this personal inventory, I’ve come to find I’m healthy and nurturing in some ways, but still enmeshed in other ways. I have this compulsive tendency to rescue others for example ... to be a Mr. Fix It! I never even questioned this role assuming I was just fulfilling my Christian service for God.

My goal is to learn to nurture while releasing others, by developing a stronger sense of self turning to God to define my sense of worth. I do my best as a friend when ¨I hold onto myself¨ redefining myself through faith — that is... to look to God as the source of my identity while being in community with others without being enmeshed in those relationships. That has not been easy because part of being enmeshed in relationships has required me to reevaluate my faulty view of God so that I need to differentiate my earthly father, from the all-perfect and loving heavenly One! Well, I leave you with just one quote that concludes this post.

¨Mature love is not about emotional fusion or enmeshment, but rather love is communion while maintaining separateness. A term used to describe this process is differentiation. Similar to individuation, differentiation is one’s ability to maintain a sense of self while remaining emotionally and/or physically close to others. It is the ability to stand up alone, stay close to one’s partner and soothe oneself when not getting what one wants. It involves balancing two basic life forces: the drive for individuality and the drive for togetherness.¨-- Elsie De Vita

The key phrase for me here is ¨soothe oneself when not getting what one wants¨. This statement is so loaded with meaning. I know I depend upon others to soothe me and get disappointed when they don't follow through as I expect. I guess this is part of what we refer to as ¨growing pains¨, but at least I'm learning.

-- TR

Through the valley...

There is no graceful way to say this… it’s so easy to write when we’re inspired, but I´ve been so out of it lately. Separation brings on it’s own brand of isolation …some of it my own choosing, some of it part of the transition process. It´s a lonely process because no one can feel the hurt for me.

I remember hitting this low state back in 1988. Part way through each day I would get that sinking-weakened feeling that I had to find a hiding place to pray and recover. I’ve been needing to do it again… closing the doors to the art room in order to pray. I know feeling hurt is part of life or we’d never know what dependency upon God could mean nor compassion for those who go through the valley. The rainy season is almost over.

Living in your head...

One experienced pastor once asked his fellow colleagues, ¨Do you know how to ruin a Bible Study?¨ The others just looked at him in amazement. He responded, ¨Just invite seasoned Christians¨ That bold statement perplexed me at first, but months later it made sense to me. Before, I used to be silently disturbed about church life. I felt it had a stifling effect but I rarely ever bothered to question why.

Now as I understand and see with a little more clarity. It’s difficult to put into words, but the Christian culture sometimes feels more like the canned products you buy in the supermarket than the fresh stuff you prepare yourself. Some sermons, for example could have easily been delivered by an android and get more results! Could it be that many Christians have developed their intellectual abilities at the price of sacrificing their emotional mind? Let’s think about it.

¨Are you one of those people who pride themselves on being rational and logical in everything you do, including your relationships? Do you cherish a certain image of yourself as unflappable, unemotional and reasonable in the way you solve problems and in your relationship? If the answer is ´yes´ you may be one of the Mr. Spocks of this world -- those folks who conduct their relationships based primarily on intellect, not passion... You may even incite your partner into intense emotional exasperation because of your emotionally minimalist posture.¨

¨On the surface, you are proud to live in your head rather than your heart -- you are proud not to be ruled by your emotions. But on deeper examination, you may discover that you fear your emotions and are afraid of losing control. You don’t trust what you feel, and you are afraid of what your emotions might do to you and to others. You don’t want to be hurt, so you refuse to engage in emotional displays. For you, feelings are messy, dangerous matters, best left to those who choose to live life with emotional turbulence. ¨

¨Living in your head may give you the illusion of a greater sense of control over your life. It may seem to reduce the pain of living with hurt, disappointment, and disillusionment. In fact, many women and men who experienced pain by escaping into their books, becoming analytical geniuses, and dodging their emotions behind a barricade of theories and facts.¨Now, as I read these paragraphs, it seems clearer why I grew so wary of the deadness that surrounded some churches. It becomes so sterile at times you wonder whatever became of God.*¨Self-control does not come from controlling our feelings, but from feeling our feelings."

-- Jeanne Segal

© TR 2007