blind or mute?

The preacher spoke of an ordeal he had gone through where he had lost his voice for a year and proceeded to give numerous examples of how difficult it was for him to have been sidelined like this. His voice rose adamantly as he uttered these next words:
“I had been away from the pulpit for so long... one of the new hostesses did not recognize me – ME the head pastor of the church! Something inside me wanted to scream at her, saying, ‘Hey, don’t you know who I am lady?'”
Towards the end, the old preacher's tone softened as he cheerfully explained how God pulled him through; how God always saves the day for those who love him. Happy ending. Everyone go and eat lunch...
The lesson conveyed turned out to be different from the one intended. No matter. It left me to ponder how fervently blind (not mute) we can be to our own flaws.
~ intuitivefeeling

spiritual abuse and lame sermons

I paid a visit to a church today I usually don't attend. Even though it's close by my house I prefer to go farther because .... uuummm, the preacher rubs me the wrong way? Until today, it’s been difficult for me to understand what triggers this allergic reaction since the pastor seems like a nice guy.


Well, the sermon emphasized the importance of hearing God’s voice which I thought was ironic because to me a lot of FOG seemed to be filtering throughout the whole message. I wrote down some of the points that were made for your viewing:


1. The true Christian cannot show sadness in his face because he or she is a child of the light; 2. Grace is granted by God, but it has an expiry date; 3. The Christian must set aside his own plans and commit to God’s plan only; 4. Once the Christian has submitted to God’s plan, then God grants success in the plan that was set aside. 5. The Christian must put aside his or her problems if he or she wants to listen to God.


Is it just me or are these ideas incongruent? They reflect a kind of moralizing reasoning dominated by the Wounded Inner Child; where the wounds seem bigger than God and where the hearer needs to be nagged about duties in order to get his or her act together. To me this does so much damage to children who feel they have no real choice, but to conform to adult expectations.


What also pained me was that the preacher addressed the hearer assuming that he or she:
1) doesn’t want to listen;
2) resists getting involved
3) makes all kinds of excuses in order to not commit to ministry


These are digs that a sensitive soul detects. It’s probably not the speaker's intention, but the gospel message is cross-pollinated with FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt Tripping). It teaches the hearer to conform outwardly while denying or minimizing his or her inner conflicts.


“Put on the smile.”
“Help someone in distress.”
“Stop being self-centered.”


To me these subtexts beg the question; Why must inner conflicts be placed as the antithesis (in dichotomy) to listening or to serving God? How can this spiritually fortify the hearer? Doesn't this kind of reasoning reinforce the socialization tactics of the world? Doesn't it reject authentic expression thus constructing a false self that conforms to what others expect (on cue) -- what the hearer SHOULD be doing?


No wonder some people outside the church, view christian communities with caution. When the Wounded Child is not healed, hearers are subjected to external mandates such as learning to smile on cue (if you aren't naturally inclined). This kind of false environment upsets me. The worst part is that the general public silently affirms FOGGY religious assumptions -- week after week.


The preacher also sprinkled some self-importance into the sermon by letting us know that he had breakfast at the same restaurant three times this week while "ministering" to people in his congregation. Why did we need to know that bit of information? How is it related to listening to God? The subtext seemed to be saying, "Look at me, I'm important and the way I show that importance is by having breakfast three times at a nearby restaurant.If you listen to God, then you can have these privileges too."


My thoughts on this post one week later: This journal entry ties well with the post entitled, "The Subconscious Script of the Wounded Child" The preacher is replicating what he was taught by his parent or parents with the difference that he uses the Bible to give authority to his erroneous thoughts.

I wanted to share a comment I received in response to my previous post about heightened sensitivity. At first I thought I could post it as it was written and let it speak for itself, but I realized I needed to take another approach so as not to confuse my readers.

As an introduction, the author shared that she (like me) didn't have the natural discernment or "sifter" to see through people as she would like to and had to learn about PDs by visiting forums and reading about them (as well as studying psychology and all kinds of aspects of human behavior). I think that in general HSPs take longer to clue into their world and tend to take many things about life for granted. That is, we HSPs are not born street wise and have to be tutored or self-tutored along the way.

She shared how as a latch-key kid raised she had to survive by her own wits while her parents worked; how her mother was as a hard-driving fashion executive and how her grandmother used to say that the author was 'too sensitive.' She was never told about core human values nor instructed to defend herself more assertively. She wrote,

"As my father agreed last week, I basically raised myself. So I do know a bit about what you speak; my sensitivity reared its head when my brother abused me, when neighborhood kids abused me and I didn't know what to do about it so I absorbed it instead.

I realized that I'd never STUDIED PEOPLE. And that this is a critical, critical life lesson that kids need to be taught very young. But it's not too late -- survivors ... are a testament to that.

The piece I never picked up on was that other people's motives and motivations aren't necessarily like mine, aren't necessarily genuine and consistent with what they say/how they try to act -- and the whole notion that people wear masks, disordered or not.

And so learning about postures/body language, facial expressions, voice tones -- in essence, the stuff the intelligence and law enforcement communities use daily, (as well as politicians, actors, corporate management et al.), is wildly useful as it opens a door into a new world: The layers below/beyond the presentation.

Because of this adventure the way I now view, listen to, understand and interact with people has changed forever, hopefully for the better ... with the usual trips and stumbles along the way ....

Perhaps directing your study toward these kinds of topics might be useful for you?"

What she wrote about immediately resonated because I too was a latch-key kid and raised myself along the way. Italian immigrant families didn't have the inside story about the complexity of raising their children in a foreign country. They had enough of a hard time just surviving day to day on a personal level.

The author also shared with me her struggle to own her own opinions or thoughts while she was growing up. I also related to this, because I never thought my opinions or thoughts mattered to others. I seemed invisible to others. Here is how she tells the rest of the story,

"The other main lesson I've learned is that, somewhere/somehow along the way I was either never taught about my own instinct, or perhaps never given permission to live by it, or was perhaps trained to respond to outside permissions always over my own instinct, so through the years I became disconnected from it/didn't see it/no longer relied on it but came to rely instead of any kind of outside input I could gather. In essence I replaced my own instinct void with Other People's Opinions. Which shifts power from the Self to Those Outside the Self and can make one quite stagnant if one is afraid to move in any direction without that approval. (When someone doesn't have a supportive mate in a R (relationship), and that mate becomes abusive and maliciously manipulative, this tendency kicks in hard and if one's voluntarily assumed position in the R is socioeconomically dependent, that makes it more difficult for the one becoming recessive to keep the peace and comfortable safety going until it's no longer possible to do so.)

Recapturing one's own instinct, testing its rightness and relying on the fact that, though it's not right for others it's right for you and that is the #1 primary thing that matters, is a really important step toward strengthening the True Self. Even if we have to swim upstream, pull away from the herd or actively defy those who've influenced us to get free enough to do it.

Through time I've taken inventory and found that, when I've not trusted my instinct, things have gone more awry than if I'd done so.

Doing this at first can be so tentative it's like dipping our toe in the water, then going in ankle-deep, then knee-deep, then waist-high, then gradually swimming around.

There's nothing wrong with gentleness, with refinement. Especially if we were raised in a certain culture or geography and find ourselves having to operate in a substantially different culture that's perhaps more rough-hewn.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," societal shaming and all. If our backbone is stronger than society's will to break it, we continue to stand tall and walk among those who don't necessarily support or defend us, but we no longer care if they do because we support and defend ourselves."

-- NewWings4MeNow

Codependent or Not...

I wish I could distinguish the difference between those serious emotional impairments of life from those invented by the self-help industry for personal or commercial gain. For example, there are authors who assign denial, confusion and self-doubt under the umbrella of codependent behavior. Is it true? On the other hand, others believe "codependency" is a myth and does not need treatment, but is viewed as a healthy personality trait taken to an excess (Wikipedia). So, are we talking about a psychological disorder/handicap that requires life long help, or rather a condition requiring some guidance and reorientation about setting boundaries? This controversy continues to elude and sometimes torment me. What's worse is that my dilemma doesn't end with codependency, for I have just about as many questions about other areas of life such as spouse-related abuse (narcissism), divorce, starting over after divorce and personality traits (HSP).

-- TR

dirty fish tanks

I once thought I had sufficient experience in taking care of fish and fish tanks, yet found myself needing urgent technical assistance one day. Some of the fish in my aquarium were mysteriously dying, especially the little catfish that formed part of the cleaning department in the lower level.  As quickly as I replaced the dead ones, the new arrivals suffered the same fate within a week or so.

One day I asked the owner of a pet shop what was going on. It so happened he was a marine biologist. He explained whenever you change the water from any aquarium, you remove the delicate bacteria culture that sustains aquatic life. If you don't replace that good bacteria, the fish die by ingesting their own toxic waste which mixes with the bits of food in the gravel below. The good bacteria neutralizes the fishes' body waste, thus preventing any fatal toxic effects.

This insight not only helped me to remove the death threat, but also to see my spiritual journey differently.  Like that good bacteria we need grace in our pursuit of godliness.  Without it we can perish in the toxicity of our own self-contempt since we cannot fulfill even our own high standards -- even less God's holy commandments.  Statistics say 80% of psychiatric patients are religious (Fitchett, Burton, & Sivian, 1997) to the point of pushing themselves off the proverbial edge.
The Christian faith isn't meant to pull us down into despair and loathsomeness, but to raise us up toward health, strength and everlasting hope.  Perhaps this is what Jesus meant when he said,

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” -- Matthew 11: 28-30
~ vincenzo

Walkin’ on sunshine…

About five or six years ago, my daughter won a toy rabbit in an Easter Egg Hunt. If you happen to press the wrong button music would even come out. This Walmart-version rabbit sang, "I'm Walkin' on Sunshine". Interesting, because I know I wasn't walking any near that direction back then and so I didn't even pay attention to the lyrics. I just deeply wanted the annoying mechanically tin melody to stop.

In these last two weeks that same song has been playing on the radio. I tried to imagine what it would look like to walk on sunshine. It sounded like someone falling in love... so light that he or she could walk on air or on rays of sunshine. It must be a great feeling right? Well, I can't say I'm exactly walking on euphoria, yet I'm doing a whole lot better than a year ago when I was definitely at the end of myself.

Anyway, there are signs when you begin to heal. You begin to notice the grime and dirt on your windows and how dreary they look. You get the courage to climb up high and decide to attack the panes even when you're afraid of heights and wonder if the roof hanging off the side of the house can hold your weight? You begin seeing the dry flicks of paint too and decide to scrape them off as you clean with one hand and hang on with the other. You begin to notice that it wouldn't take that long to clean your neighbor's windows too and surprise him or her. What project you looking forward to?

Do you enjoy looking through squeaky clean glass as I do? What small accessible project have you yet to fulfill?

© Troubled Reflector 2008

Broken pipe dreams...

Here in Costa Rica it sometimes takes weeks before the water company ever gets around to repair a broken pipe in the middle of public way, especially if that pipe is under the surface of the road in an unassuming manner. I've been musing upon a broken water pipe these days that had gradually, but most effectively eroded part of the road close to where I lived. I had to ask myself, ¨How could something so imperceptible like water have such power to break apart solid materials? Each morning I would walk by, amazed how this element that is so compliant that when you try to grasp it, it seeps between your fingers.

I decided I would convert this ¨broken pipe dream¨ into an analogy of the invisible spiritual realm. So much of what we are is immaterial to the senses, and so our hidden valuable treasures may be ignored. However, just as water is perceived as soft and weak, yet has power to crumb hard asphalt, we also have powerful resources inside us to impact our society.

Hesitation and stammering...

¨Blessed are the poor in spirit, because they know with certainty, that any love they receive is not due to ulterior motives.¨ -- Joan Manuel Serat

As a child, especially when he had to read aloud... he would memorize the pages assigned to him, so that the next day if his teacher asked him to read to the class, he’d be ready, not wanting to make a fool of himself, because of the embarrassment of any impromptu reading.

Later as an adult, while in seminary he began preaching and discovered that his sermon would not get off the ground. He stumbled around over his own thoughts. He was so afraid he just didn’t have what it would take to be a preacher... his lifetime dream.

Like polite folks, everyone noticed the hesitation and stammering but acted like they didn’t notice. But of course they did and were just being polite. However, behind closed doors the elders of his church said that if he wasn’t able to preach at the age 26 then he’d never be fit do so, so he was ¨encouraged¨ to pursue ¨one-on-one¨ Christian ministries instead. He had no idea what was going on... clueless.

The odd thing was that this young man did not struggle to communicate every time he spoke. Indeed, he was capable of being fluent in certain contexts. When by himself, speaking to a pet or to a group of children or speaking to a someone with whom he was comfortable with he spoke quite fluently.

So what did he do? Well, he never missed a single speech class, all of them focused on the idea that stammering was simply an inconvenient behavior. His teacher worked with the mechanics and behavior of stammering, separating mechanics entirely from what was going on inside, from how he was looking at the world.

It takes courage to come out of hiding, to allow others to be part of one’s process even when we trip over our own words or seize up all together. I wish I could understand what makes me different.

© Troubled Reflector 2007

A little about my personality...

The underlying motivation that drives me is intimacy looking for connection - sharing rich, satisfying, deep emotions. I enjoy dedicating time, effort, and typically inconveniencing myself to order to develop and maintain meaningful relationships. This need to connect, to be understood and to be accepted, especially applies to significant others.

Also, everything I do tends to be quality-based, or I prefer not to do it at all. I am loyal to friends, employers, colleagues, and above all to my significant other. As one author put it, whomever I tend to ¨commit to¨ happens to be/become my ¨sole (and soul) focus¨. I enjoy serving and giving freely in order to nurture or encourage others.

I don’t know if this area is a strong point or weak…I also tend to be overprotective. My code of ethics is strong and I expect others (not only my partner and those closest to me, but everyone) to live honest, committed lives. I enjoy sharing meaningful moments in conversation with my partner as well as remembering special life events (e.g. birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day, etc.,).

I have that natural ability to make people feel important. I tend to be selfless, and my first thought is "how will this affect others?" When planning something such as an anniversary dinner or a birthday party, I detest to go through the same old routine that everyone else does. I have a flair for the creative and I have a sense of how to create an ambiance by adding special touches that I know will be just right for the occasion. For example, I might have personalized gifts that I have sculpted or painted or you might recreate something meaningful that happened previously in your relationship. I enjoy making even ordinary things extra special and endearing.

The areas where I need improvement: I tend to be overly guilt-prone, and so if I’m doing things that to me don’t seem purposeful, I feel guilty about it. I tend to require a justifiable reason to just play and enjoy life - which usually defeats the purpose and makes it feel unnatural or forced to others in your life. My tendency is to be high-strung, and I need to learn to relax and enjoy life.

I’m sensitive, and by default, usually too tactful… I don’t want to hurt anyone. I’m so tactful that I replay conversations (yea that eternal debate) in my head over and over and over. I spend ages beating myself up about things I've said or should have said or done when I can't change any of it. Many people speak their mind all the time and don't think twice about it. The problem is that if I don’t create enough space for myself, I sometimes get overwhelmed by too much interpersonal contact that in given moment I overreact about something insignificant at the time, but which has been building up.

© Troubled Reflector 2007

Climbing Down

In order to get the most out of this post please take a moment to look at the cartoon image I included to illustrate the illogical idea of ¨climbing down¨. Some people use this phrase when he or she really means stepping down. This is an oxymoron* and there are hundreds of other examples.

The point is that if you climbed down, you’re body would be in a verticle crawling position that only an insect or perhaps a rodent is capable of achieving. Anyway, as I read some old correspondence I began feeling queasy in the stomach as if I were ¨climbing down¨. I had nothing to do one afternoon, so I began reading old correspondence I had stored away in my computer…

I’m referring to a cybernetic friendship that went by the wayside in a few weeks – one of my first attempts to connect with someone from another country. The friendship turned to a default gray and could never be reactivated no matter how much I rearranged my carefully-sculpted thoughts. I think it died because we shared too much, too soon.

No matter what reason… I got annoyed at myself to the point that I had to skim rather than read it through. The editor in my head doggedly began reproaching me through each and every agonizing line that I can’t believe I wrote such squishy-squashy stuff. A debate precipitated round and round in my head: Why does time and perspective make some of our written thoughts appear so half-baked? Is it a sign of growth to detect such things? Maybe I second guess myself too much. Ugh!

© Reflector 2007

P.S. If you’re interested in knowing more about Oxymorons, they’re composed of two words that contradict one another, yet are used together from time to time out of habit or sloppy English: Oxy in Greek means wise and moron means dumb.

Dreaming "inadequacy"

I never thought about it much but now that I think back, anxiety has been an unsolicited life-long companion since my childhood although I did my best to pretend it never existed. Actually, I didn't know it was a visitor back then, but rather a permanent resident so the best I could do was learn to tolerate the day-to-day anguish with as much grace as I could muster. We seemed to be inseparable anyway. Do you know what I mean?

Anxiety has many frowning relatives and loves to have their company, so that I had to put up with such colorless characters as Inadequacy, Despair, Fear and Worry. I used to have recurrent dreams where Anxiety and Inadequacy especially seemed to take center stage. There were several scenarios yet all of them produced the same sensation: Sometimes I'd be preaching before a congregation I never had seen, however, I didn't have a Bible with me and couldn't remember the text I was to preach from. Sometimes I'd find myself in an unfamiliar park area I had never been to before where I was wearing only pyjamas, yet had to make my way past the police that surrounded the area to get back home. Sometimes I'd be in an unfamiliar High School writing a math exam having no idea how to answer the unintelligible equations that were staring me in the face. Sometimes I’d be involved in hockey (as a youth) but hadn’t brought the appropriate equipment so I'd have to sit on the sideline and just watch. When I used to have these dreams I could feel the tension go through my whole body, I’d sweat only to later realize it was just a dream, but a dream that revealed so much about my emotional/psychological makeup.

Don Miller, (a post-modern Christian writer) says he tends to get anxious about too many things… whether or not his ideas are right … whether or not people like him… whether he will get married or not …whether his future girl will leave him if he does marry… whether his car is fashionable enough, … and whether he sounds like an idiot when he speaks in public. He actually got me giggling as I often think the same things without really noticing how absurd these worries are. How about you? Do you pretend not to worry, but underneath suffer greatly sometimes?

© TR 2007

Blue Christmas...

I know it is expected that we be brimming with euphoria during these festive days. It has been a somewhat difficult Christmas vacation for me so far, intermingled with a few moments of laughter.

I don’t know why, but sometimes the pain of life feels more oppressive during Christmas. I begin to feel scared, left out, and as hard as it is for a man to admit it, quite needy. I go from alone to lonely and from explorer to wanderer. In times like these I need to find a hiding place and give full expression of my deepest feelings. This has been one way I truly heal when I can truly be myself.

Love must be something much greater than I learned growing up. If it is so wonderful, if it is the answer - then love sets me free as well as those around me. I know something inside is amiss but it’s not always clear what is going on.

If love is freedom then what does that mean? In reality love doesn’t solve anything. Love only reveals who I am. And it is good that love makes me aware of what goes on inside. It means freedom from shame, judgment, loneliness and freedom from feeling unacceptable. It is a recovery of the lost self - from the bottomless abyss of pain and shame and sadness that I have felt at the core of my being since childhood.

Anyway, my Christmas as you can see, hasn’t come from ornaments, lots of food and shopping, but necessary reflection where Jesus Christ at times becomes center stage, but not always...

© Reflector 2006