role playing

Photo image from www.anxietytreatmentblog.com

"For the traumatized child, life becomes a long, drawn-out crisis. In a psychological phenomenon called hypervigilance, the traumatized child spends most of her time on the lookout for trouble, and as a result, will easily be triggered into fear, anxiety, and depression. Fear increases the level of cortisol, causing chronic tension and anxiety; it can become a frightening, out-of-control vicious cycle." -- Lisa J. Lehr

The big day had arrived.  I had been interviewed as a volunteer counsellor and had been accepted. Finally, the day of the workshop came, the kind where you don’t know you collapse until it’s all over.  When I least expected it, I suffered one of those notable attacks of anxiety, before a group of total strangers.  It happened during an innocent role playing activity, the kind I sought so hard to avoid. What everyone else saw as a mere exercise, loomed large as a life-threatening situation.

I had the misfortune of playing the role of a supposed "wise and experienced" counselor while applying some newly learned therapeutic techniques. I felt like an oxymoron.  As was my custom -- when it came to dramatization -- I went into a tail spin and crashed. My mind went foggy. I felt rigidly self-conscious, insecure and defeated even before I began. It was altogether disorienting.

Nevertheless, when leaving the workshop, I sensed a strange combination of relief and exhaustion. Although my temples pulsated with a dull ache, what surprised me was my ability to reframe the event. I became acutely aware how altered I felt. Before I would feel the urgent need to defend my blundering performance; write the supervisor a long e-mail to apologize and all sorts of other gymnastics, but this time I felt an inexplicable calm. This time I accepted my actions knowing I had done my best in spite of torped fits of momentary panic.
-- intuitivefeeling

she wanted to talk...

photo credit

 

The phone rang and she wanted to talk. She let on as if it was only a casual conversation. It was only later my lawyer informed me otherwise. I had no clue where the conversation was going. In a receptive and considerate tone she began asking some pointed questions, namely would I reconsider starting over?

 

*sigh*

 

I did not take long for me to give her my answer. In knee-jerk fashion I made it clear I would not.  My encounters with my ex-spouse always required the closest scrutiny of my motivations. As much as I analyzed and re-analyzed, I found it impossible to come to one hundred percent certainty about her words and behaviours. As Austen says,

 

"Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken."

 

However, in spite of human limitations, I picked up my pen that day as a means of exploring the residue swirling in my head. These were the sort of questions I began to ask myself:

 

How is it possible for someone to bear grudges, then suddenly appear like all was forgotten?

How do you approach someone who is combative one moment, then charming the next?

When your trust has been eroded by, how can you be sure what is true and what is pretext?

 

I’ve also experienced bouts of heartsickness. It was a side effect of having any kind of contact with her. No matter how detrimental the messages I received, the move toward divorce was never easy. While separation seemed like a therapeutic option, divorce felt like death. The person who once played center stage became dead to me. My mind began to play tricks like memories of  deceased persons often do, idealizing her person…

 

Unavailable Parents

Photo Credit:

As a child I remember my father's dark and stormy character with his unpredictable outbursts of rage. He only made eye contact when shouting at me. 

My mother on the other hand strained under the weight of many internal and external conflicts. Her disastrous marriage undermined her health in the form of migraines, ulcers, anxiety and bouts of depression, so that no matter how much she loved her us (her two children), we became a small wedge when it came to receiving her attention and love.

Fortunately, my relationship with my mother did blossom later in life and we still enjoy each other’s company greatly. She continues to be a source of support and inspiration to me especially in times of need. My father continues to be aloof and violent in temper and although I try to have conversations with him, they are more like monologues. 

Intuitive Feeling

Inner Wounded Children

painting by Joan Miró

When we get around to understanding a little bit about our inner wounded child we are more aware about how our past can interfere with our present. As a young adult I knew I had issues to wrestle through -- both big and small. Still, apart from reading self-help books and listening to good sermons, I had no clue how to resolve my inner conflicts nor where to begin, so I often settled for avoiding my inner world.

I struggled with compulsive behaviors like rescuing others from their problems, excessive gift-giving and "falling in love" too fast. My locus of motivation focused externally, seeking to get my supply of approval through people pleasing. The wake up call came when I read John Bradshaw's book, "Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child"

Bradshaw writes some penetrating descriptions that pertain to the inner wounded child that are worth considering. Here is a summary of his thoughts (sprinkled with some of my own comments) for your viewing. Those of us who have had an emotionally chaotic childhood with many traumas may find ourselves struggling with some of these issues:

We may have difficulty trusting ourselves to meet our needs and therefore think we need someone else to meet them.
We may have difficulty trusting others so that we feel we have to be in control of our surrounding all the time.
We may fail to detect body signals such as not being aware how tired we are.
We may neglect going to the doctor or dentist.
We may have deep fears of abandonment.
We may feel we don’t belong anywhere or anyone.
In social situations we may be invisible so no one notices us, yet not even be aware why we do this.
We may attempt to make ourselves indispensable to others to make sure they will not leave us.
We may have a great need to be touched or hugged that could make us vulnerable to bonding too soon, too deep with someone we don’t even know and who could even be harmful to us…
We may have an obsessive need to be valued and may have difficulty establishing boundaries for fear that others may not like those boundaries.
We may isolate ourselves out of fear that people might end up rejecting us or we might end up rejecting them.Some of us are gullible and don’t see other people’s hidden agenda or else we see the hidden agenda but go along with it all the same...

waves of anger and indignation

 “Most people tend to notice other people’s energy and actions before they notice their own. They become preoccupied with what others are doing or not doing, projecting their ideas about why they are that way. They carry on with criticism or comparisons, while their deeper feelings go unattended.” - Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman

In the beginning phase of my separation I rode on a wave of anger and indignation that provided fuel for a time. I looked forward to the day when I could break with the past and just move on. However, ending a relationship looks easier from a distance. The final showdown doesn’t ring victory. Your head fills with contradictory feelings that you can’t imagine.

Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman explain how we spend much of our emotional energy carelessly and have never been taught emotional self-care. We don’t even know where to begin or how to start. How true this has been in my life. My way of dealing with prolonged emotionally draining situations has been to sit the valley of indecision, hoping the problem will work itself out (while making the problem only worse and more ingrained). I want to stay in limbo, not wanting to finish what I started.

My therapist once said I needed to mourn my relationship even though it was destructive. I didn’t understand what relevance there could be mourning a bad marriage -- why would I do that? The therapist explained there is another kind of loss that has to do with mourning for what could have been, but never unfolded.

Reality is stranger than fiction

I’m sure you have heard that sometimes reality is stranger than fiction. So, this post describes what I have been experiencing. Let me start with a rather long and tedious depiction about the dreaded RTV. Here in Costa Rica each vehicle must pass a rigorous technical revision each year called Riteve (RTV for short). For most people RTV is a dreaded experience where you cross your fingers your vehicle will pass. Sometimes even new cars do not make it. The revision is equivalent to the emissions testing in North America, but tests everything else: windshield wipers, horn, windows, seat belts, shock absorbers, lights, tread on tires, etc. You name it. When the vehicle achieves the stamp of opproval,you receive an official sticker that tells transit police that your car is okay.

Anyway, UNKNOWN to me, the transit laws not only got tighter this year, but all traffic fine violations shot through the roof -- completely off the charts! Quite abruptly, from one day to the other, the fine for not meeting the RTV revision deadline, also rocketed from 25.00 to 365.00. That’s only half the bad news. The worst part is that you can be fined umpteen times depending how many times you happen to get caught by the police (once, twice, three times or more). Imagine? So, people here (me included) began to panic and everyone ran to their nearby mechanic so that the garages were swamped with cars. To make matters even worse, people flooded to RTV with so many appointments that the internal system collapsed from all the demands. It’s as if someone cried, “fire” during a theatre production. Folks were busting down the doors.

What did this mean for me? On a more personal level I felt like a fugitive day by day -- as if I had a leak in my energy system. While Ileana was getting her Suzuki repaired on the one hand, I had to leave my Mitsubishi at the local mechanic so he could work on it while I was at work, but only Mondays since there was this sudden rise of clients. In the meantime (for what seemed like TWO ETERNAL WEEKS) it felt like the government had imposed a martial law and I had to scurry back and forth from work to the apartment each day, restricting myself to driving ONLY when necessary. I could have easily taken a bus to work, but the trick was transporting Nati to her school and back. There were no alternatives to contemplate. It also meant that on weekends the car had to stay in the garage, which meant no church or social life. Talk about feeling isolated!

The good news is that today my car PASSED the revision, so I feel a heavenly sensation of relief – kinda like a prisoner freed from his sentence and guess what? The first place I drove to was to central park… to rollerblade my heart out. It was a great feeling to finally drive through the city without dread and fear.

-- Troubled Reflector

Anxiety and religion...

As a child I visualized God as distant, temperamental and awfully strict. I think that's why I received the salvation message with open arms when I heard what the Scriptures really had to say about Him... (and about you and about me).

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."-- Matthew 11:28-30 (N I V)

Wow, gentle and humble in heart: Now that was news for me! I never imagined God being like a loving father or mother. As a boy, and before Caller ID devices were invented, I used to call my mother at work. After routinely asking the receptionist to transfer the call, I’d hear my mother talk through this impersonal “business-as-usual” voice that she would use to address the public, however, when she identified who I was, her voice filled with the empathy and sweetness that she conveyed at home; the love and the warmth I was used to. I didn’t need any persuasive techniques for her to shift from impersonal to personal mode. It was enough that she was addressing her son to make the change.

How important it is to feel this sense of belonging with God -- a confidence when approaching Him.Why is this kind of repose in God so rare? Doctor Gerrit Glas says that religion can either reduce or aument anxiety. He writes,

“Having some type of religious affiliation appears to be related to lower anxiety levels in the general population. Intrinsic religiosity is associated with less worry and anxiety, whereas contemplative prayer is correlated with increased security and less distress. (1) Intrinsic religiosity refers to a lifestyle in which religion is personally appropriated and "lived" from WITHIN. Extrinsic religiosity, in contrast, refers to a lifestyle in which religion is related to SOCIAL CONVENTION. (2,3) There are ... studies that find a relationship between religion and increased anxiety. Some of these seem to focus on extrinsic forms of religion.”

It's odd that Anxiety can even plague light bearers, but if you're like me, I didn't even recognize it. It was just too vague a feeling that had no name or label and therefore it escaped every detection mechanism inside me, but thanks to Gerrit Glas I now have a better understanding about Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic religiosity. I've lived both realms. How about you? I'd be glad to get your feedback on this.

Troubled Reflector © 2008

Hesitation and stammering...

¨Blessed are the poor in spirit, because they know with certainty, that any love they receive is not due to ulterior motives.¨ -- Joan Manuel Serat

As a child, especially when he had to read aloud... he would memorize the pages assigned to him, so that the next day if his teacher asked him to read to the class, he’d be ready, not wanting to make a fool of himself, because of the embarrassment of any impromptu reading.

Later as an adult, while in seminary he began preaching and discovered that his sermon would not get off the ground. He stumbled around over his own thoughts. He was so afraid he just didn’t have what it would take to be a preacher... his lifetime dream.

Like polite folks, everyone noticed the hesitation and stammering but acted like they didn’t notice. But of course they did and were just being polite. However, behind closed doors the elders of his church said that if he wasn’t able to preach at the age 26 then he’d never be fit do so, so he was ¨encouraged¨ to pursue ¨one-on-one¨ Christian ministries instead. He had no idea what was going on... clueless.

The odd thing was that this young man did not struggle to communicate every time he spoke. Indeed, he was capable of being fluent in certain contexts. When by himself, speaking to a pet or to a group of children or speaking to a someone with whom he was comfortable with he spoke quite fluently.

So what did he do? Well, he never missed a single speech class, all of them focused on the idea that stammering was simply an inconvenient behavior. His teacher worked with the mechanics and behavior of stammering, separating mechanics entirely from what was going on inside, from how he was looking at the world.

It takes courage to come out of hiding, to allow others to be part of one’s process even when we trip over our own words or seize up all together. I wish I could understand what makes me different.

© Troubled Reflector 2007

Midnight seranade and consumerism...

A little while ago, a neighbor had a serenade for his wife. It’s impossible not to notice as the apartments where I live are close in proximity and the music unusually loud. What called my attention however, wasn’t so much the serenade as the musical pieces that the musicians were playing – pieces that are played OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN at each party.

After 19 years of living in Costa Rica I know all five songs by memory. It’s a little bit of a let down whenever I hear the trumpets begin to sound -- kinda like those electronic greeting cards that play the rickety music when you open them -- the kind you usually receive through the old traditional snail mail. Anyway, these Mariachis seem to move about in ant-like formation from one place to another in a hurry to move on... somewhere else.I don’t know what pleasure anyone would get from hearing this kind of thing. No doubt there are classy Mariachis because I have heard them while in Medellin, Colombia. At the end of such a delightful concert even I would feel grateful, even though it was not intended for me. Imagine? When something is so magnificently done, you can’t help feel part of it even when you’re not.

This reflection must serve for some kind of self-evaluation I'm sure. What things to I do that are somewhat mechanical … where I just want to do the minimum and move on? I mean sometimes we get so wrapped up in the routine of life that even the special occasions are treated in a routine way. How am I like those commercialized serenades or those CONSUMERISM birthday parties where the parents take every body to Burger King, MacDonald’s, Pizza Hut, etc., with those same games, same cake, same children’s music, same piñata, the same food and the same convenience of not having to clean up the house afterward?

Yeah, I guess kids don’t seem to care one way or the other whether we go the way of the "generic" or something a little more real… but to me it just leaves a huge void and perhaps some indigestion too. Ufff! We only live once, so why not do it with individuality? Aren’t those we love worth a little more originality?

-- Troubled Reflector © 2008

State of mind...

Our state of mind speaks louder than words or deeds. If we could visualize this concept the difference in our life would be enormous. Word or deeds are like filing cards in comparison to our state of mind -- like a placard poster that can be seen for miles around.Dr. Richard Carlson says, “There’s this perception that if you worry a lot and if you look really busy and stressed out, then you’ll be more successful. You talk about how little sleep you get and how tense you are and how you’re not getting the appreciation you deserve and how hard you’re working. You think this is somehow feeding into your success and your career, and that’s just not true. Any success that you have in your career is despite your being all bothered and annoyed and stressed out not because of it.”

Yes, emotions can be significant allies or frightening opponents, depending how we handle them. The world is an environment of constant evaluation. Expecting human nature to treat you fairly because you are a good person is a little like expecting the bull not to attack you because you are a vegetarian. Inconsiderate opinions can often be more devastating than any other formal assessment given by any professors. Have you ever asked yourself what draws people to heroes like Superman?

For me it is the double identity or secret double identity that fascinated me. The contrast between the realism of Clark Kent and the idealistic world of Superman resemble somewhat the drama of daily life. We win some battles and we lose others. I think the recent version of Clark Kent that was telecast a few years ago was really too good-looking, too smart and too flirty to be believable. There was little contrast between the commonplace and the extraordinary.

I like the Clark Kent of the original series because he presented a much more convincing difference. Clark wore heavy black conventional glasses, which could make even the most attractive person look goofy. He was physically awkward, and socially timid. That’s part of the magic: on the surface Clark Kent is unassuming and underestimated, but at any moment, he was capable of transforming himself into a supernatural hero.

Some people seem to settle for only a Clark-Kent-state-of mind. They live under the constant reproach of those that surround them. They live below their true potential, by conforming to someone else’s concept of them. Steven Covey refers to this dynamic as the “social mirror”. He says that when we permit others to form our self-concept through their imperfect scrutiny, it is like viewing oneself in a crazy mirror house that one finds in amusement parks. The image you see is a mere caricature of oneself -- distorted and out of proportion.
“Why can’t you ever keep things in order?”
“Why can’t you confront people like a man?”
“I can’t believe you won.”
“It’s so simple. Why can’t you ever understand?”
“Boy, you eat like a horse.”
“Why are you always so serious?”

We may forget many details of the past, but we have a more difficult time forgetting hurtful words, so it's important to be in tune with yourself when your state of mind is being sabotaged by cutting comments that seek to label us in some way.

Troubled Reflector © 2002