when dreams depart

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When it comes to traumatic events, sometimes the underlying issues are obscured even to those who experienced them. The most anyone can do is to be as objective as humanly possible, trusting he has made the best evaluation possible.

It's usually with apprehension he opens his wounds to anyone, for just as the support of a friend can hold him steady, the disparaging of the latter can throw him into an abyss. At first he seeks support from anyone who'll listen, but eventually comes to realize the subject at hand is foreign to the general public. He therefore devotes large chunks of time to understanding what went wrong and its effects upon interpersonal relationships, health and personal growth.

I came to realize as long as you live with some people in an Gilligan-Island existence, all is love and peace. To the public eye it is difficult to perceive there are human beings who are incapable of sustaining long term friendships except nominally. Some will work day and night to sabotage your connections by 1) seeking to poison your view of others and 2) absorbing your energy with a long list of demands.

Some people also inflict terror so eventually a flash of the eyes is all that is needed.  Cycles of abuse consist in measured doses of sweetness and calm, that eventually lead to periods of tension and hostility, that eventually erupt into verbal attacks. As Darlene Lancer says, "The abuser may be loving between abusive episodes, so that you deny or forget them."

This shift back and forth, can push you into a role similar to Shakespeare’s Hamlet. After each “explosion” he’s walk about in an antic disposition for days not wanting to eat nor take care of himself.  While to others the list below may seem to be a collection of cold clinical data, to me each trait is a condensed prompt that elicits more distressing personal stories.

-- Intuitive Feeling

Paranoid Personality Disorder -- ICD-10 is characterized by the following traits:

- excessive sensitivity to setbacks and rebuffs;
- tendency to bear grudges persistently, i.e. refusal to forgive insults and injuries or slights;
- suspiciousness and a pervasive tendency to distort experience by misconstruing the neutral or friendly actions of others as hostile or contemptuous;
- a combative and tenacious sense of personal rights out of keeping with the actual situation;
- recurrent suspicions, without justification, regarding sexual fidelity of spouse or sexual partner;
- tendency to experience excessive self-importance, manifest in a persistent self-referential attitude;

- preoccupation with unsubstantiated "conspiratorial" explanations of events both immediate to the patient and in the world at large.

-- The World Health Organization

 

intuitive skating

Skating has always provoked a sudden rush in my veins. I’d get bored of skating the way everyone else around me skated. I had to find a flight of some kind to transcendence. Haphazardly I discovered a way to get away from the demands and cares of stressful life. The idea is to be able to dance in surf-like fashion on the high waves weaving in and out of skaters without bumping into them or knocking anyone down. It's making impromptu dance movements that require cat-like agility. This became get therapy for me during my months and years of separation.

Reflector

admiration vs. love

I never expected to encounter these welcomed lines by Alice Miller that mirrored the hidden motivations of my heart.

 

Alice Miller Notes:
 
“Others are there to admire him, and he himself is constantly occupied, body and soul, with gaining that admiration. This is how his torturing dependence shows itself. The childhood trauma is repeated: he is always the child whom his mother admires, but at the same time he senses that so long as it is his qualities that are being admired, he is not loved for the person he really is at any given time. In the parents' feelings, dangerously close to pride in their child, shame is concealed— lest he should fail to fulfill their expectations...

It is thus impossible for the grandiose person to cut the tragic link between admiration and love. In his compulsion to repeat he seeks insatiably for admiration, of which he never gets enough because admiration is not the same thing as love. It is only a substitute gratification of the primary needs for respect, understanding, and being taken seriously —needs that have remained unconscious.

The grandiose person is never really free, first, because he is excessively dependent on admiration from the object, and second, because his self-respect is dependent on qualities, functions, and achievements that can suddenly fail...

This combination of alternating phases of grandiosity and depression can be seen in many other people. They are the two sides of the medal that could be described as the "false self," a medal that was actually once given for achievements...

An actor, for example, at the height of his success, can play before an enthusiastic audience and experience feelings of heavenly greatness and almightiness. Nevertheless, his sense of emptiness and futility, even of shame and anger, can return the next morning if his happiness the previous night was due not only to his creative activity in playing and expressing the part but also, and above all, was rooted in the substitute satisfaction of old needs for echoing, mirroring, and being seen and understood. If his success the previous night only serves as the denial of childhood frustrations, then, like every substitute, it can only bring momentary satiation.

In fact, true satiation is no longer possible, since the right time for that now lies irrevocably in the past. The former child no longer exists, nor do the former parents. The present parents—if they are still alive—are now old and dependent, have no longer any power over their son, are delighted with his success and with his infrequent visits. In the present, the son enjoys success and recognition, but these things cannot offer him more than they are, they cannot fill the old gap. Again, as long as he can deny this with the help of illusion, that is, the intoxication of success, the old wound cannot heal. Depression leads him close to his wounds, but only the mourning for what he has missed, missed at the crucial time, can lead to real healing.” Chapter on "The Grandiose Person" -- Alice Miller

* False Self: A child who had to attend to a chaotic family of origin and the constant demands generated by this chaos, missed out on developing his or her true self. He or she had to adopt a false self in order to survive. For example, a boy grew up as a substitute husband to his mother, because the father had a paranoid personality disorder. That child had no chance to live out his childhood, because he was required to take on the role of an adult before his time. There is much more I could write about this interesting theory, but for now I only have time to give you a glimpse.”

 

givers and takers

Givers tend to fall into the hands of takers. It makes sense. Exploitative folks cannot implement their tactics on individuals similar in kind. While the strategies may vary, the one common denominator of takers fits this lamentable yet true description:



A pastor friend said givers seek to resolve conflicts without causing upset. They attempt to back away from toxic situations using discretion. He explained how useless this is when dealing with manipulators. Put bluntly — there’s no friendly way to get away. Furthermore (the pastor friend concluded) givers need to accept they may even be labelled the bad guy.

~ intuitivefeeling

 

blind or mute?

The preacher spoke of an ordeal he had gone through where he had lost his voice for a year and proceeded to give numerous examples of how difficult it was for him to have been sidelined like this. His voice rose adamantly as he uttered these next words:
“I had been away from the pulpit for so long... one of the new hostesses did not recognize me – ME the head pastor of the church! Something inside me wanted to scream at her, saying, ‘Hey, don’t you know who I am lady?'”
Towards the end, the old preacher's tone softened as he cheerfully explained how God pulled him through; how God always saves the day for those who love him. Happy ending. Everyone go and eat lunch...
The lesson conveyed turned out to be different from the one intended. No matter. It left me to ponder how fervently blind (not mute) we can be to our own flaws.
~ intuitivefeeling

The Subjective Inner World of the Survivor

logo by quail christian survivor org...

"... I’ve come to believe that healing myself is one of the best things I can do for the people I love, because it makes me sensitive to the right things and gives me the ability to be truly compassionate, without getting sidetracked by my own stuff." ~ Lovefraud Forum Member
In the early stages of my healing journey, I sought therapeutic help anywhere I could find it: from anyone that would listen -- only to feel more misunderstood than before. It took some time to realize that the subject of emotional trauma is a subject too alien for the general public. As one adult abuse victim wrote:

"I don’t think ... people are so uncaring as uninformed... I think we’re exploring the facets of an unacknowledged issue... We are dealing with a spectrum of special cases that are not yet well understood by even very competent therapists who do very well dealing with other issues... The more I say, 'I didn’t ask for it! I didn’t see it coming!' the more I hear, 'What is your role in creating this?' ... Many of us ... are fragile, with wounds that are still raw." ~ Kathleen Hawk
There’s lots of information about trauma on the net from the experts, but little that explores the subjective inner world of the survivor. I find reading other stories helps me to piece together my own puzzle. I realize the road to recovery demands many complex skills and tools beyond will power. It requires close self-examination, educating oneself and discarding old and familiar coping strategies. It entails facing the pain of vulnerability and the courage to reintegrate and serve others.

Thanks to the services of sitemeter.com I know that dear readers do visit reading bits and pieces... If you know about other blogs about trauma, please contact me.

~ Reflector

Contact Info: eyes.openwide (at) hotmail.com

waves of anger and indignation

 “Most people tend to notice other people’s energy and actions before they notice their own. They become preoccupied with what others are doing or not doing, projecting their ideas about why they are that way. They carry on with criticism or comparisons, while their deeper feelings go unattended.” - Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman

In the beginning phase of my separation I rode on a wave of anger and indignation that provided fuel for a time. I looked forward to the day when I could break with the past and just move on. However, ending a relationship looks easier from a distance. The final showdown doesn’t ring victory. Your head fills with contradictory feelings that you can’t imagine.

Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman explain how we spend much of our emotional energy carelessly and have never been taught emotional self-care. We don’t even know where to begin or how to start. How true this has been in my life. My way of dealing with prolonged emotionally draining situations has been to sit the valley of indecision, hoping the problem will work itself out (while making the problem only worse and more ingrained). I want to stay in limbo, not wanting to finish what I started.

My therapist once said I needed to mourn my relationship even though it was destructive. I didn’t understand what relevance there could be mourning a bad marriage -- why would I do that? The therapist explained there is another kind of loss that has to do with mourning for what could have been, but never unfolded.

shrinking world

Since March of this year, my world has shrunk -- my activity choices are limited. I have to watch each penny because the exchange rate on the US dollar is poor, so that I received at least two hundred dollars less each month than I used to. I cannot always go to church because it's far and consumes a lot of gasoline. Entertainment of any kind is also out, so this has had an isolating element to it that I don't want, but need to accept. I've lowered the child support for DD, but I still need to lower it more. My mother is helping me with the divorce costs and getting the legal child support down to a reasonable level. In all my years overseas I've never been affected this way and receiving a dollar based salary has always been an advantage.

I'm thankful that I don't need much in order to keep me going. I can live on little. On Friday DD asked me for money after having given her more than I can afford to give. I had to speak to her firmly about my situation, though I've mentioned it several times before, but to her it always seems her dad has the ability to pull through every situation, so it's hard for her to conceive that I'm in a real financial hole. However, there's a blessing in disguise in all of this. This financial crisis enabled me to finally establish new boundaries with respect to MDM, something I probably wouldn't have done on my own. God answered my prayer, even though I would have preferred to avoid the crisis if I had had my choice.

Living in a more confined world has it's advantages since I can focus on reading good articles and books without getting distracted by the outside world. I feel like I'm living a desert existence, while teaching me to live on less.

I wanted to share a comment I received in response to my previous post about heightened sensitivity. At first I thought I could post it as it was written and let it speak for itself, but I realized I needed to take another approach so as not to confuse my readers.

As an introduction, the author shared that she (like me) didn't have the natural discernment or "sifter" to see through people as she would like to and had to learn about PDs by visiting forums and reading about them (as well as studying psychology and all kinds of aspects of human behavior). I think that in general HSPs take longer to clue into their world and tend to take many things about life for granted. That is, we HSPs are not born street wise and have to be tutored or self-tutored along the way.

She shared how as a latch-key kid raised she had to survive by her own wits while her parents worked; how her mother was as a hard-driving fashion executive and how her grandmother used to say that the author was 'too sensitive.' She was never told about core human values nor instructed to defend herself more assertively. She wrote,

"As my father agreed last week, I basically raised myself. So I do know a bit about what you speak; my sensitivity reared its head when my brother abused me, when neighborhood kids abused me and I didn't know what to do about it so I absorbed it instead.

I realized that I'd never STUDIED PEOPLE. And that this is a critical, critical life lesson that kids need to be taught very young. But it's not too late -- survivors ... are a testament to that.

The piece I never picked up on was that other people's motives and motivations aren't necessarily like mine, aren't necessarily genuine and consistent with what they say/how they try to act -- and the whole notion that people wear masks, disordered or not.

And so learning about postures/body language, facial expressions, voice tones -- in essence, the stuff the intelligence and law enforcement communities use daily, (as well as politicians, actors, corporate management et al.), is wildly useful as it opens a door into a new world: The layers below/beyond the presentation.

Because of this adventure the way I now view, listen to, understand and interact with people has changed forever, hopefully for the better ... with the usual trips and stumbles along the way ....

Perhaps directing your study toward these kinds of topics might be useful for you?"

What she wrote about immediately resonated because I too was a latch-key kid and raised myself along the way. Italian immigrant families didn't have the inside story about the complexity of raising their children in a foreign country. They had enough of a hard time just surviving day to day on a personal level.

The author also shared with me her struggle to own her own opinions or thoughts while she was growing up. I also related to this, because I never thought my opinions or thoughts mattered to others. I seemed invisible to others. Here is how she tells the rest of the story,

"The other main lesson I've learned is that, somewhere/somehow along the way I was either never taught about my own instinct, or perhaps never given permission to live by it, or was perhaps trained to respond to outside permissions always over my own instinct, so through the years I became disconnected from it/didn't see it/no longer relied on it but came to rely instead of any kind of outside input I could gather. In essence I replaced my own instinct void with Other People's Opinions. Which shifts power from the Self to Those Outside the Self and can make one quite stagnant if one is afraid to move in any direction without that approval. (When someone doesn't have a supportive mate in a R (relationship), and that mate becomes abusive and maliciously manipulative, this tendency kicks in hard and if one's voluntarily assumed position in the R is socioeconomically dependent, that makes it more difficult for the one becoming recessive to keep the peace and comfortable safety going until it's no longer possible to do so.)

Recapturing one's own instinct, testing its rightness and relying on the fact that, though it's not right for others it's right for you and that is the #1 primary thing that matters, is a really important step toward strengthening the True Self. Even if we have to swim upstream, pull away from the herd or actively defy those who've influenced us to get free enough to do it.

Through time I've taken inventory and found that, when I've not trusted my instinct, things have gone more awry than if I'd done so.

Doing this at first can be so tentative it's like dipping our toe in the water, then going in ankle-deep, then knee-deep, then waist-high, then gradually swimming around.

There's nothing wrong with gentleness, with refinement. Especially if we were raised in a certain culture or geography and find ourselves having to operate in a substantially different culture that's perhaps more rough-hewn.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," societal shaming and all. If our backbone is stronger than society's will to break it, we continue to stand tall and walk among those who don't necessarily support or defend us, but we no longer care if they do because we support and defend ourselves."

-- NewWings4MeNow

New Insights Into Personality Disorders...

A few nights ago I received a new insight. It's the result of a comment to a post I read that mirrored my past and present and I realized I had stumbled onto one of those empowering insights.

I’ve been restless for answers dealing with the troubles I’m having with my soon-to-be ex , yet not seeming to come to any resolution over some slippery issues. What I mean is – she still has control over me – using my child as a mighty crow bar.

I also began to see another protagonist -- my father -- who shows symptoms of PPD (Paranoid Personality Disorder ). I'm discovering personality disorders are much more common than I imagined, but are difficult even for competent therapists to diagnose.

These new bits of insight have given me a new lense to view events and incidents from the past which had long puzzled me (tortured me?).

~ Troubled Reflector

PPD Symptoms (compilation from various sources)

They insist their opinions and values are “right,” and a tendency to be easily offended and take things personally.
They blame others for their own problems.
They are interpersonally rigid, easily offended
They exaggerate their achievements
They fail to recognize other people's emotions and feelings
They "construct" a reality around themselves to fit their ideas
They are incapable of team work because they cannot tolerate setbacks
They are easily frustrated and demoralized and are unable to cope with disagreement and criticism
They have trouble keeping healthy relationships
They appear tough-minded or unemotional
They may treat you different in private than in public.
They mistreat only their closest. To the rest of the world, they appear to be a composed, rational, and functioning persons
They feel deprived and unfairly treated.
They create a "shared psychosis" (folie a deux) with their victim, an overwhelming feeling of "the two of us against the whole world".
They react to the slightest provocation against their self-constructed "image" with disproportionate wrath.
They are self-referenced.

Reality is stranger than fiction

I’m sure you have heard that sometimes reality is stranger than fiction. So, this post describes what I have been experiencing. Let me start with a rather long and tedious depiction about the dreaded RTV. Here in Costa Rica each vehicle must pass a rigorous technical revision each year called Riteve (RTV for short). For most people RTV is a dreaded experience where you cross your fingers your vehicle will pass. Sometimes even new cars do not make it. The revision is equivalent to the emissions testing in North America, but tests everything else: windshield wipers, horn, windows, seat belts, shock absorbers, lights, tread on tires, etc. You name it. When the vehicle achieves the stamp of opproval,you receive an official sticker that tells transit police that your car is okay.

Anyway, UNKNOWN to me, the transit laws not only got tighter this year, but all traffic fine violations shot through the roof -- completely off the charts! Quite abruptly, from one day to the other, the fine for not meeting the RTV revision deadline, also rocketed from 25.00 to 365.00. That’s only half the bad news. The worst part is that you can be fined umpteen times depending how many times you happen to get caught by the police (once, twice, three times or more). Imagine? So, people here (me included) began to panic and everyone ran to their nearby mechanic so that the garages were swamped with cars. To make matters even worse, people flooded to RTV with so many appointments that the internal system collapsed from all the demands. It’s as if someone cried, “fire” during a theatre production. Folks were busting down the doors.

What did this mean for me? On a more personal level I felt like a fugitive day by day -- as if I had a leak in my energy system. While Ileana was getting her Suzuki repaired on the one hand, I had to leave my Mitsubishi at the local mechanic so he could work on it while I was at work, but only Mondays since there was this sudden rise of clients. In the meantime (for what seemed like TWO ETERNAL WEEKS) it felt like the government had imposed a martial law and I had to scurry back and forth from work to the apartment each day, restricting myself to driving ONLY when necessary. I could have easily taken a bus to work, but the trick was transporting Nati to her school and back. There were no alternatives to contemplate. It also meant that on weekends the car had to stay in the garage, which meant no church or social life. Talk about feeling isolated!

The good news is that today my car PASSED the revision, so I feel a heavenly sensation of relief – kinda like a prisoner freed from his sentence and guess what? The first place I drove to was to central park… to rollerblade my heart out. It was a great feeling to finally drive through the city without dread and fear.

-- Troubled Reflector

“Instant- Anything” is an Illusion

After more than three years of living the separated life, I’m getting past the stage of desperation and heading toward serenity and self confidence. I’m not referring to the glamorously vogue self-confidence with its extravagant smile. Most people probably wouldn’t notice much difference if they saw me in real life due to my serious and reserved persona. Yet something new is happening inside me. When it comes to starting a new relationship, it no longer sits well with me to open up too soon as I was accustomed in the past. I no longer feel the necessity of being known intimately unless I have a more substantial basis. I think it's hard to explain how you see things and why you do what you do to someone who is a stranger to you. The reality is that letting it all hang out in one sitting is not the answer to achieving intimacy. “Instant-anything” is an illusion. Lasting relationships are like layers of varnish applied to fine wood: one fine layer at a time.

I have intense feelings and insightful thoughts. I also have a great need to be heard, yet I treasure my privacy and only open up to a few people as introverts tend to do. Ironically however, once I do make a connection, I tend to go overboard in the opposite direction. I become an open book. It can get so intense that if that connection is threatened in any way, I feel as if my life line has been unplugged. It’s as if all meaning were being funneled through that significant other to give life its color. That’s why the following quote struck a sensitive inner cord inside me:

“By learning to love and care for ourselves, we diminish the risk of starving for someone else to fill the void within our souls; a void that only we can truly fill.” -- Sherry Obenauer

To translate feelings into verbal language is arduous, so I congratulate Sherry for the potent way she describes humanity’s relational conundrum. “Starving” is exactly how it feels. It’s a silent agonizing. Personally, I’ve always had this deep-seated doubt whether I would ever connect with a special someone on a deeper level. It’s because it’s difficult even for me to understand myself – let alone expect someone else to. I live a rather paradox life. I can be over-connected one moment, then detached in another. I go from one extreme to the other and cannot always control on which side I may find myself. This deep need for alone time can be a problem if the other person does not appreciate it's my way of refueling, rather than a reflection about her worth. However, thanks to Obenauer, I’m learning something quite revolutionary: Life and love is complete with or without a partner.

When we’ve been alone awhile, we learn to love ourselves and so we approach life from a perspective of strength rather than desperation. We no longer feel the need to coerce, even with subtle bribes. People find us more attractive because we’re content with life as it is. We’re able to accept the ebb and flow of life; the highs and lows without bemoaning.

As I continued reading Obenauer’s article, it begged a decisive question: Who would I be without the thought that my sense of wellbeing depends upon someone else?

Now that I’m on the path back to singleness again, I have had to redefine myself in a couple-oriented world and that’s a daunting mission because culture confuses love with dependency. Dependency (or Romantasy), is the polar opposite of love. It seeks to trap happiness in a cage, seeking breezy, dreamy and euphoric horizons. The sentimental subtexts read, “I only find happiness in you.” Or “My life without you would be meaningless.” While the words sound sweet accompanied by music, the lived experience is a let down. Sherry sums up her commentary by saying,

“The purpose of entering into a relationship should be to share oneself with another person as opposed to trying to get from someone what is lacking in ourselves. Expecting someone else to fill in the gaps usually results in grave disappointments, a sense of failure, and endless resentment.”
-- Sherry Obenauer

Once upon a time I wanted to believe that even an antagonistic mate could learn to love, even if I had to sacrifice my mental and physical health in the process. I’m learning not to place my sense of well being in another person’s hand (as if my life depended upon it). After all, it’s our self-concept that dictates our boundaries and how we allow people to treat us. I’m grateful for the opportunity to reexamine my assumptions in order to breathe more freely.

--- Troubled Reflector

Reference: Article by Sherry Obenauer “Today's Happy Single”

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/article/happy-single

saying yes to life... more than we do...

“I cannot do all the good that the world needs,
but the world needs all the good that I can do.”

-- Jana Stanfield

I had the opportunity this year to stumble upon an invaluable find toward creative connectivity, drawing on the principles of improvisational theater outlined by Patricia Madson in her book entitled, 'Improv". It involves approaching life with a willingness to pay attention to whatever life presents, and to say yes to life more than we normally do:

"Yes can be a really good answer more of the time than you might imagine. It can open up a possibility. It's easy to say no. No doesn't require us to act. Saying yes can get us into trouble, but it's just as likely to bring us great adventures."

Ms. Madson finds that when we throw out many of the self-inhibiting regulations (we thought we must live by) things that too often stifle our spontaneity and creativity, we'll find our lives are more authentic, more effective, and a lot more fun. We have adopted a malfunctional way called blocking we hardly question, so we not only block others, but ourselves in the process.

Madson’s Yes Principles:
“Cultivate all the ways you can imagine to express affirmation. Set your own preferences aside. Safety lies in knowing your partner will go along with whatever idea you present.
“Yes and” …we can say yes than we normally do.

Once you become aware you can, you will see how often we use the technique of blocking in personal relationships simply out of habit.

Support someone else’s dreams. Pick a person and for a week, agree with all of his or her ideas. Find something right about everything he or she does or says.

Look for every opportunity to find support.

As we practice the affirmative response to life, positive things can happen.

Exercising the yes muscle builds optimism. If you can’t get out of it, get into it. ”

Madson, Patricia Ryan Improv Wisdom
Bell Tower Publishing, New York 2005

Those evasive feelings...

“Only Faith beholds that all is well.” -- S.R. Lysaght

How are you doing? Have you ever felt somewhat stuck... perhaps thinking too much about how to answer that evasive question? I do. Indeed, it becomes evasive if we focus upon that minute membrane called Feelings that are complex... restless little creatures that stir in the night.

Well, in the last while I’ve been learning to accept REALITY (a little more) for what life is rather than what I want it to be. It's been a vital part of cultivating a more affirmative philosophy of life, because no matter how intense or annoying circumstances can be, those circumstances make up the present that I live out from day to day.

Denying the uncomfortable realities is a denial of living, because it makes us want to fast forward life only to the places where we experience peace and harmony rather than discomfort, conflict or upset. Whether we like it or not our marching orders are to build bridges over the rough terrain of life in order to make progress don't you think?

Many of my Italian relatives (with the best intentions) often fed my sister and I ideas of entitlement... that we should insist on an easier life and thus showing little tolerance during the "hard times". This leads to self pity and resentment. No matter how much it eats at us, no matter how annoying, we need to face the facts of life and put our wishful thinking aside of how we prefer life to be.

I think this is a remedy against anger, self-pity, bitterness, etc… I think resentment is in fact … the residue that comes from demanding that life to be different than it is… and so we allow our energy to be drained by such fantasy as being light, harmonious and totally pain-free. I find it so rarely works that way.

What are your thoughts on this subject? How are you doing?

TR 2009 ©

The desert... God's perscription!

If love is measured by degree of cooperation, then God must seem like an unfriendly fellow, for many times the idea He asserts is, “You will progress when I say so.” For example, when God freed the people of Israel from their slave masters in Egypt, that freedom was physical, but liberty from the chains of Egypt was only the beginning. Heart change was the second phase. We know from Deuteronomy 8:2 that it took forty years before this phase was completed -- a phase which is referred to as the wilderness wanderings. The desert was the prescription God had proposed before the Promised Land could be achieved.

Internal change precedes external change. A change of heart preceded a change of lifestyle. Instead of a short cut or temporary measure, true change would be implemented in a long torturous way. Although God’s people had already suffered four hundred years of slavery, it was not enough. The desert was necessary. Now if that process was necessary in the Old Testament, what makes the Christian believe the New Testament process could be any different? Why does modern Christianity maximize the Promised Land while minimizing the wanderings in the wilderness? Are we expecting grace in an oasis or His mercy and presence when times get tough?

Much of the teaching in the Church has been contaminated by worldly influences that demand quick, dramatic, superficial solutions. The Christian may come to believe that coming to Christ is designed to eliminate a difficult, pain-filled life – as if Christianity were a graduation. Life is going to be wonderful -- and the definition of wonderful is the numbing of pain.

Perhaps this is part of the reason Christians get so discouraged when the path gets hard and rocky. Even worse they suppress their despair and disguise it, maintaining an appearance of contentment, but their passion eventually gravitates elsewhere. They become disappointed because they expected the spiritual life to work according to human terms.

Sometimes waiting is progressWaiting is a self-controlling progress. When people are threatened, human resources come to the forefront. How could God expect people to wait so long? Dr. Lawrence Crabb recreates the scene of the wilderness wonderfully in his book, Inside-Out. He comments that perhaps a few of the Israelites had felt insensitively treated by the pace. Why? God didn’t consult his people regarding departure and arrival schedules. Where were the committees, counsels, and executives to ratify his decisions. God’s way of doing things often seems designed to frustrate us.

Sometimes progress has an indefinite time line The wilderness was a long journey, no a matter of days or months, but one that lasted forty years. Consider these years as an indefinite time line, because for the unbeliever the desert can last thirty, forty, fifty, or even an eternity. God’s mercy provides opportunities that appear to be without limit. But if the individual refuses to change, then the only progress is the progressing of years and that is all.

The most influential person in the learning process is the student himself. If mediocrity is the goal, life will provide all the excuse one needs to live like the Israelites did during their forty years in the wilderness. God has horizons for us to discover. Since the Christian is light and salt, it is a sin for him to imitate others especially the world. Some Christians feel compelled to do this out of a fear of boring their followers. People swallow the story that the Church is a boring place and that the world is the exciting place to be.

[This meditation is based upon Numbers 9: 15-23]

© TR 2007

Sharing Too Much, Too Soon...

"It requires courage to open our eyes and listen to what is being whispered in the private places of our hearts." -- Lani Kent

I'm separated and starting anew. This ultimately means opportunities to meet new friends. This post comes as a result of a long standing tendency to share too much, too soon, not because showing warmth is wrong, but because I never understand the dynamics of over-caring and how it can undermine the path toward true intimacy.

When I finally began to see the warp and woof pattern whereby friendships seemed to be taken for granted, then I had to stop and reconsider what was going wrong. Here’s an encapsulation I’ve noted down from the sages.

“Especially after a long dry spell or a bout of self-imposed celibacy after a break-up, beware of portraying the over-doting, smitten puppy.”

--Phineas Mollod and Jason Tesauro

Although a new e-friendship can die an abrupt death for lack of spice or not enough show of affection, the number one reason that nips enthusiasm in the bud is giving too much, too soon. According to one life coach, “Giving too much too soon is by far the biggest relationship mistake made by both men and women… The worst part about giving too much is that the other person probably won't just drop you. At least then you'd be free to start over. Instead, they will keep you on a string and not take you seriously, and you find yourself in 'crazy love' relationship.”So, what symptoms should you and I look out for? Well, for starters is our sense of contentment consumed in making the other person happy? Do we over-identify, pouring our self into his or her problems to the point of ignoring our own? Is he or she pulling away while we keep looking desperately for more ways to engage or connect? Are we so wrapped up with the euphoria of this new relationship that we’ve forgotten our friends and family? Have we confused the sensations of uncertainty for love? Are we lacking motivation to pursue interests on our own?Watching our pace is crucial from the START. We need to slow things down or maintain a slow pace enough for both persons to consider the compatibility factor. This means communicating at an easy pace as friends. Tracy Cabot says a relationship that starts on too high of a romantic pitch has nowhere to go but down: “If you give too much of your time too soon, the other person takes you for granted.”She also says you'll know whether you've given too much too soon because you'll feel cheated. Listen closely to her following advice: “The best way to give is intermittently. Give just enough of yourself to let the other person see how wonderful you can be, then back off a little to see if the other person is responding, then give a little more.”

By maintaining an easy pace you convey an essential message that basically tells the potential partner that you have a life of your own. If you have a hard time thinking of at least three interests in your life that inspire passion (that is not tied into your new friend) then it may be time to begin cultivating your own garden. Please feel free to add whatever wisdom you’ve gained on this topic along the way.

This "over-caring dynamic", by the way can also be applied to other areas of life. I know that as a youth pastor I fell into an over-caring/over-giving pattern which set me up for many needless disappointments as well as deeply feeling taken for granted.

-- TR © 2008

The Rescuer Archetype

“ Expect nothing, live frugally on surprise.” -- Alice Walker

For most of my life I was a reluctant social drifter, accepting my role as a quiet observer, yet somehow internally passionate at the same time. Without knowing why I found myself following a rescuer archetype, which I will designate, the "Littlest Hobo". This will require digging up some dusty archive TV knowledge: Some of you might remember the intriguing old ¨Littlest Hobo¨ series from the 70s. It focused around a stray German shepherd that wandered from town to town rescuing people in need. It was similar to Lassie, but the Littlest Hobo never had an owner and though many people sought to adopt him, he preferred to be on his own and would head off by himself at the end of each episode. The faces of the actors always changed so that the only constant was the dog.

The dismystification process unfolded as my eyes opened to personality disorders. Although the poem below belongs to another writer under different circumstances, I still identify with the idea of being outside the door of my father's life and how it resulted in a pattern of moving from place to place without forming roots. Of course, there is something noble about rescuing strangers without asking anything in return, without belonging ... moving on as that little superhero figure. Perhaps it was safer to acquire admiration from a distance than risk intimacy with who kNows who … rescuing gets the job done, but without the ties that eventually could wound or shatter one's fragile idealistic world.

© TR 2008

"Underneath The Door"

My father was a doctor

Who would come home late at night

With a soul so bruised and bleeding

From his unending, faithful fight

To keep a hold of kindness

In a world that isn't kind

To hold out the hope of healing

To his hurting humankind.
Then he'd flee back to his study

To his bookish, quiet place

With notes and books and journals

To wall in his special space

And then he'd lock the door

From things that cannot be locked out

And his youngest son would starve for what

He'd always do without
But it was meant to make me who I am

And for all these many years

Still the little boy down on his knees

Full of hope and full of fear

Calling underneath the door

"This is me, it's who I am."

Cause we love the best by listening

When we try to understand
Desperate stubby fingers

Pushing pictures 'neath the door

Longing to be listened to

By the man that I adored

Inside someone who needed me

As much as I did him

Unable to unlock the door

That stayed closed inside of him
It's strange the way we tend to flee

From what we need the most

That a father would lock out a son

When his heart would hold him close

But our wounds are part of who we are

And there is nothing left to chance

And pain's the pen that writes the songs

That call us forth to dance.

Lyrics/Credits:P 2002 Covenant Artists, LLC©

2001 Mole End Music/Administered by Word Music Michael Card

Little Fits or Tantrums…

Ultimately, love/contentment begins within oneself through God and although we are supposed to know that, we usually aren't too convinced about it in practice, living out disenchanted lives. The reason is that approval seeking and it’s subtle trappings sabotage love, even before it has a chance to ever blossom. So, please I invite you to read these excerpts from B. Katie Mitchell’s book entitled, ¨I Need Your Love – Is That True?¨

¨Many people’s lives are constantly punctuated with little fits or tantrums in which they express their rejection of what’s happening. What are the thoughts that come at these moments? ¨I’m so hopeless.¨ ¨If he hadn’t done that…¨¨She always…,¨ ¨I knew you better than to do this.¨ Many of these thoughts are about what you would have done if you had known better, or seen it coming, or remembered. You think that if you had done something other than what you did, you could have stayed in control of events.

¨Oh bother!¨ marks the point where reality and your plan parted ways. Things don’t seem to be going your way, and to the best of your ability you’re going to fight reality, even if all you can do is swear, kick a rock, or give someone you love a hard time.

The more you stick to the belief that you’re in control, the more of these moments there are in your life. Some people reach a point where they are fighting reality at every step along the way. That’s how they react to the thought, ´I’m calling the shots´ when no one seems to be listening. It’s a war zone in their minds.
The alternative is to expect reality not to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what’s going to happen next. That way, you’re pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, and you’re pleasantly surprised when they don’t. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them, and the old plans don’t stop you from moving ahead, from flowing efficiently into the life beyond your schemes and expectations.
…turn it around and allow life to show you the new way to move forward, the way that you haven’t seen yet. … When your old plan is gone, your mind immediately fills with new possibilities.¨

TR 2008 ©

Jef Peeples said...

Thanks for the comments. Yes, I think we may be cut from the same cloth. Wasn't sure from your profile. I have enjoyed reading your blog as well.

Approval addiction...

As a recovering approval addict, I’m convinced we not only learn about God in the church, but also unhealthy behaviors that seem godly, but only work to isolate us from each other. We rarely question the assumptions handed down to us until we face some kind of identity quake that compels us to look deeper. I've come to the conclusion that the church subculture teaches or a least reinforces one dubious relational style; We are taught to present an image of pleasantness, while living lives of anguish and self-protection designed to keep us at arms length. Although we are healthier when we live authentic, transparent lives, we learn to hide behind an agreeable mask. As one author wrote, ¨We have learned to be nice in order to be accepted by others.¨

The author elaborates on this idea further by saying:

¨Maybe you have noticed your own contradictions in your interactions with people, expressed in the interests of being nice. Any or all of the following examples may apply:

You remain silent when you might have spoken out and expressed authentic feelings… you are less than honest in giving your opinion and repeat clichés as if they were meaningful statements. You rarely express so-called negative emotions such as sadness or outrage, preferring to blot out or rationalize events that set off such feelings. In order to appease others you do things you regret or simply wish you had not done that you cannot bring yourself to undo.
You say nothing rather than risk confrontation even when an issue arises about which you have strong feelings. ..
You use the telephone caller identification to hide from people rather than telling them that they have called at an inconvenient time… Still, you have spent a lifetime learning that niceness is good, and as far as you can see, niceness is good, so you carry on and try to ignore the grating inside.¨

When you or I fail to express our thoughts or feelings or refuse to hear what others say, we are falling into the tyranny of ¨niceness¨. Evelyn Sommers wrote, ¨The word nice was derived from the Latin nescius, meaning,´ ignorant´ and the French nescire, meaning ´not to know´. It is the notion of silence and silencing that links current use of nice to these Latin and French derivatives. …There is a shutting down – or silencing – or oneself or the other. In this way silence, in some form or degree, is the essential characteristic of being nice…

Niceness as a way of life is typified by passivity, sterility, obedience, denial, avoidance, and fear of making a direct, honest statement.¨¨Niceness fosters a culture of aloneness. Nice people exist in separate worlds, rarely or never revealing themselves to others in their lives. They may have lots of superficial communication with other people but little real connection. They fear aloneness, but their niceness perpetuates it.¨ ¨Letting go of niceness does not mean hurting people with unnecessary and attacking ´truths´.

Although such outspokenness might be mistaken for authenticity in the early stages of transformation, it is not the goal. Attacking truths, when submitted to scrutiny, rarely exist on their own. More often, they are part of a larger phenomenon in which the speaker has not worked out the complete extent of his or her feelings about a person or matter. On their own, these truths are not completely honest.As we mature, we add layers to our personalities, layers of complexity that make us unique and add to our character.

Giving up niceness means dispensing with a particular part of that complexity, a part that interferes with honest, direct relationships and makes us appear bland. We do not need to hide behind white lies or euphemisms to make ourselves acceptable. As thinking, feeling individuals we generate plenty of individual differences and complexity, yet remain similar enough to others to engage many people in satisfying relationships. We must trust ourselves that this is enough, that we do not need to place a wall of niceness between us and others to ensure acceptance. Giving up niceness means integrating the layers of personality and giving them expression, showing ourselves to the world in all our glorious uniqueness.¨

James Rapson writes, “What you’re describing is very common with people who are anxious to please. It's important to know that this doesn’t happen because of a lack of courage or character. It happens because of a lack of security deep inside. Building that sense of security takes time, but ultimately it can change your whole life. By exploring your fears and subsequent behaviors, you are opening yourself to healing and growth.”My role in the church for years and years allowed me to focus on others' needs so I didn’t have to think about my own.

Now I’m a few years out from a bad marriage and slowly those people-pleasing tendencies have been creeping back. Chronic niceness is like driving a vehicle that has no brakes. Do you suffer from any of the symptoms below? Please note that not all the traits will apply to you as niceness manifests itself in different forms:

"You are always longing for something or someone.
You feel worried or fretful so often it seems normal.
You can't keep romance sizzling, and often can't even get romance started.
You often don't know what you want.
You're always thinking about what you wish you had said.
You constantly second guess yourself.
You apologize frequently, or for things you are not responsible for.
You take what you're given instead of asking for what you want.
You get preoccupied with what other people think of you.
You are frequently surprised that other people don't reciprocate your good will.
You do favors for people with the secret hope they will reciprocate.
You are more prone to feel sorry for yourself than to take action and fix a problem.
You tend to give more than you get (you might be resentful about this).
It seems like other people get the attention or the acknowledgment.
It seems like other people get the dates (maybe your friends tell you you're a great catch).
Your emotional state mirrors your partner's (if your partner isn't happy, you aren't happy)."

Troubled Reflector © 2008

Walkin’ on sunshine…

About five or six years ago, my daughter won a toy rabbit in an Easter Egg Hunt. If you happen to press the wrong button music would even come out. This Walmart-version rabbit sang, "I'm Walkin' on Sunshine". Interesting, because I know I wasn't walking any near that direction back then and so I didn't even pay attention to the lyrics. I just deeply wanted the annoying mechanically tin melody to stop.

In these last two weeks that same song has been playing on the radio. I tried to imagine what it would look like to walk on sunshine. It sounded like someone falling in love... so light that he or she could walk on air or on rays of sunshine. It must be a great feeling right? Well, I can't say I'm exactly walking on euphoria, yet I'm doing a whole lot better than a year ago when I was definitely at the end of myself.

Anyway, there are signs when you begin to heal. You begin to notice the grime and dirt on your windows and how dreary they look. You get the courage to climb up high and decide to attack the panes even when you're afraid of heights and wonder if the roof hanging off the side of the house can hold your weight? You begin seeing the dry flicks of paint too and decide to scrape them off as you clean with one hand and hang on with the other. You begin to notice that it wouldn't take that long to clean your neighbor's windows too and surprise him or her. What project you looking forward to?

Do you enjoy looking through squeaky clean glass as I do? What small accessible project have you yet to fulfill?

© Troubled Reflector 2008