wearing a mask

“The kingdom of heaven has suffered violence, and the violent take it by force.”  Matthew 11:12

Picture Credit

wearing a mask
drains emotional energy
until eventually
all sense of spontaneity
becomes eroded
it places you
in long-term acting roles
where you feign
presence and enjoyment

-- intuitivefeeling

_____________________________________________

"No matter how difficult it may seem, make the choice to live consciously. Do not succumb to that half-conscious realm of fear-based thinking, filling your life with distractions to avoid facing what you feel in those silent spaces between your thoughts. Either exercise your human endowment of courage and progressively build the strength to face your deepest, darkest fears to live as the powerful being you truly are, or admit your fears are too much for you, and embrace life as a mouse. But make this choice consciously and with full awareness of its consequences. If you are going to allow fear to win the battle for your life, then proclaim it the victor and forfeit the match. If you simply avoid living consciously and courageously, then that is equivalent to giving up on life itself, where your continued existence becomes little more than a waiting period before physical death - the nothing as opposed to the daring adventure." -- Steve Pavlina

Note: Steve Pavlina is an independent thinker with some fresh ideas. However, I do not endorse his ideas about religion nor anything about open "love relationships". 

The Subjective Inner World of the Survivor

logo by quail christian survivor org...

"... I’ve come to believe that healing myself is one of the best things I can do for the people I love, because it makes me sensitive to the right things and gives me the ability to be truly compassionate, without getting sidetracked by my own stuff." ~ Lovefraud Forum Member
In the early stages of my healing journey, I sought therapeutic help anywhere I could find it: from anyone that would listen -- only to feel more misunderstood than before. It took some time to realize that the subject of emotional trauma is a subject too alien for the general public. As one adult abuse victim wrote:

"I don’t think ... people are so uncaring as uninformed... I think we’re exploring the facets of an unacknowledged issue... We are dealing with a spectrum of special cases that are not yet well understood by even very competent therapists who do very well dealing with other issues... The more I say, 'I didn’t ask for it! I didn’t see it coming!' the more I hear, 'What is your role in creating this?' ... Many of us ... are fragile, with wounds that are still raw." ~ Kathleen Hawk
There’s lots of information about trauma on the net from the experts, but little that explores the subjective inner world of the survivor. I find reading other stories helps me to piece together my own puzzle. I realize the road to recovery demands many complex skills and tools beyond will power. It requires close self-examination, educating oneself and discarding old and familiar coping strategies. It entails facing the pain of vulnerability and the courage to reintegrate and serve others.

Thanks to the services of sitemeter.com I know that dear readers do visit reading bits and pieces... If you know about other blogs about trauma, please contact me.

~ Reflector

Contact Info: eyes.openwide (at) hotmail.com

she wanted to talk...

photo credit

 

The phone rang and she wanted to talk. She let on as if it was only a casual conversation. It was only later my lawyer informed me otherwise. I had no clue where the conversation was going. In a receptive and considerate tone she began asking some pointed questions, namely would I reconsider starting over?

 

*sigh*

 

I did not take long for me to give her my answer. In knee-jerk fashion I made it clear I would not.  My encounters with my ex-spouse always required the closest scrutiny of my motivations. As much as I analyzed and re-analyzed, I found it impossible to come to one hundred percent certainty about her words and behaviours. As Austen says,

 

"Seldom, very seldom, does complete truth belong to any human disclosure; seldom can it happen that something is not a little disguised, or a little mistaken."

 

However, in spite of human limitations, I picked up my pen that day as a means of exploring the residue swirling in my head. These were the sort of questions I began to ask myself:

 

How is it possible for someone to bear grudges, then suddenly appear like all was forgotten?

How do you approach someone who is combative one moment, then charming the next?

When your trust has been eroded by, how can you be sure what is true and what is pretext?

 

I’ve also experienced bouts of heartsickness. It was a side effect of having any kind of contact with her. No matter how detrimental the messages I received, the move toward divorce was never easy. While separation seemed like a therapeutic option, divorce felt like death. The person who once played center stage became dead to me. My mind began to play tricks like memories of  deceased persons often do, idealizing her person…

 

Low Mantenance Child

Photo Image by Anonymous

“Being a low-maintenance child or partner (a nice word for self-neglect) is idealized as a valuable attribute.” – Charlotte Z. Cavatica

“It is common for people to say we all have a void that only God can fill. That is probably true but the emptiness I lived with and inside of was greater than any natural, inborn need for God. It was the void that nurturing parents are assigned to fill as they love, protect, and encourage their child. By this they teach their son or daughter who they are, and of their importance, and place in the world. I didn’t have that and though I managed to survive, I had no fully developed identity of my own.” -- Pam Witzemann

Through most of my life, I sought to hide, fix or "unbe" myself. Coming from an Southern Italian immigrant background, my role as a child and youth called me to adopt a highly charged, extroverted cover -- at least in theory. I mattered to others only to the extent that I reflected the resilience and tough-mindedness of a typical high school jock. So, somehow I ended up becoming a burden bearer instead -- obsessed with fixing other people’s problems.


Since I couldn’t rely upon my caregivers nor my immediate environment to meet my needs, I became as low-maintenance as possible, someone who focused his energy upon rescuing others. I derived great satisfaction from this learned behavior. I not only remember having an exaggerated fear of letting others down early in life, but felt acutely responsible for others’ feelings of disappointment or anger. This set me up to having huge boundary issues or a lack of them.


The idea of introspection is meant to release empathetic persons from the prison house of the past. However, I read this week that if our rumination leads to blaming(either ourselves or others), then we will remain stuck in the funk of our emotions. Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman state in their book, “Overcoming Emotional Chaos” the following key concept that I really appreciate and am seeking to implement:


“One of the most important things to release is faultfinding or blame toward yourself or another. Blame keeps spirit in retreat. To bring in more of your spirit, you need to take full responsibility for yourself and realize that you have the power to release judgment, resentment, or hostility. You do it for your own health and well-being if not for any other reason.”


Learning to keep blame in check is a hard lesson for me to retain as I did the blaming so automatically in the name of honesty and/or authenticity. Since I disliked folks who projected a pristine, I’ve-got-it-all-together persona, I didn’t want to fall into this phony category. So, I learned there are two extremes that need to be avoided: “Nicety” as well as blame.

Inner Wounded Children

painting by Joan Miró

When we get around to understanding a little bit about our inner wounded child we are more aware about how our past can interfere with our present. As a young adult I knew I had issues to wrestle through -- both big and small. Still, apart from reading self-help books and listening to good sermons, I had no clue how to resolve my inner conflicts nor where to begin, so I often settled for avoiding my inner world.

I struggled with compulsive behaviors like rescuing others from their problems, excessive gift-giving and "falling in love" too fast. My locus of motivation focused externally, seeking to get my supply of approval through people pleasing. The wake up call came when I read John Bradshaw's book, "Home Coming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child"

Bradshaw writes some penetrating descriptions that pertain to the inner wounded child that are worth considering. Here is a summary of his thoughts (sprinkled with some of my own comments) for your viewing. Those of us who have had an emotionally chaotic childhood with many traumas may find ourselves struggling with some of these issues:

We may have difficulty trusting ourselves to meet our needs and therefore think we need someone else to meet them.
We may have difficulty trusting others so that we feel we have to be in control of our surrounding all the time.
We may fail to detect body signals such as not being aware how tired we are.
We may neglect going to the doctor or dentist.
We may have deep fears of abandonment.
We may feel we don’t belong anywhere or anyone.
In social situations we may be invisible so no one notices us, yet not even be aware why we do this.
We may attempt to make ourselves indispensable to others to make sure they will not leave us.
We may have a great need to be touched or hugged that could make us vulnerable to bonding too soon, too deep with someone we don’t even know and who could even be harmful to us…
We may have an obsessive need to be valued and may have difficulty establishing boundaries for fear that others may not like those boundaries.
We may isolate ourselves out of fear that people might end up rejecting us or we might end up rejecting them.Some of us are gullible and don’t see other people’s hidden agenda or else we see the hidden agenda but go along with it all the same...

waves of anger and indignation

 “Most people tend to notice other people’s energy and actions before they notice their own. They become preoccupied with what others are doing or not doing, projecting their ideas about why they are that way. They carry on with criticism or comparisons, while their deeper feelings go unattended.” - Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman

In the beginning phase of my separation I rode on a wave of anger and indignation that provided fuel for a time. I looked forward to the day when I could break with the past and just move on. However, ending a relationship looks easier from a distance. The final showdown doesn’t ring victory. Your head fills with contradictory feelings that you can’t imagine.

Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman explain how we spend much of our emotional energy carelessly and have never been taught emotional self-care. We don’t even know where to begin or how to start. How true this has been in my life. My way of dealing with prolonged emotionally draining situations has been to sit the valley of indecision, hoping the problem will work itself out (while making the problem only worse and more ingrained). I want to stay in limbo, not wanting to finish what I started.

My therapist once said I needed to mourn my relationship even though it was destructive. I didn’t understand what relevance there could be mourning a bad marriage -- why would I do that? The therapist explained there is another kind of loss that has to do with mourning for what could have been, but never unfolded.

shrinking world

Since March of this year, my world has shrunk -- my activity choices are limited. I have to watch each penny because the exchange rate on the US dollar is poor, so that I received at least two hundred dollars less each month than I used to. I cannot always go to church because it's far and consumes a lot of gasoline. Entertainment of any kind is also out, so this has had an isolating element to it that I don't want, but need to accept. I've lowered the child support for DD, but I still need to lower it more. My mother is helping me with the divorce costs and getting the legal child support down to a reasonable level. In all my years overseas I've never been affected this way and receiving a dollar based salary has always been an advantage.

I'm thankful that I don't need much in order to keep me going. I can live on little. On Friday DD asked me for money after having given her more than I can afford to give. I had to speak to her firmly about my situation, though I've mentioned it several times before, but to her it always seems her dad has the ability to pull through every situation, so it's hard for her to conceive that I'm in a real financial hole. However, there's a blessing in disguise in all of this. This financial crisis enabled me to finally establish new boundaries with respect to MDM, something I probably wouldn't have done on my own. God answered my prayer, even though I would have preferred to avoid the crisis if I had had my choice.

Living in a more confined world has it's advantages since I can focus on reading good articles and books without getting distracted by the outside world. I feel like I'm living a desert existence, while teaching me to live on less.

I wanted to share a comment I received in response to my previous post about heightened sensitivity. At first I thought I could post it as it was written and let it speak for itself, but I realized I needed to take another approach so as not to confuse my readers.

As an introduction, the author shared that she (like me) didn't have the natural discernment or "sifter" to see through people as she would like to and had to learn about PDs by visiting forums and reading about them (as well as studying psychology and all kinds of aspects of human behavior). I think that in general HSPs take longer to clue into their world and tend to take many things about life for granted. That is, we HSPs are not born street wise and have to be tutored or self-tutored along the way.

She shared how as a latch-key kid raised she had to survive by her own wits while her parents worked; how her mother was as a hard-driving fashion executive and how her grandmother used to say that the author was 'too sensitive.' She was never told about core human values nor instructed to defend herself more assertively. She wrote,

"As my father agreed last week, I basically raised myself. So I do know a bit about what you speak; my sensitivity reared its head when my brother abused me, when neighborhood kids abused me and I didn't know what to do about it so I absorbed it instead.

I realized that I'd never STUDIED PEOPLE. And that this is a critical, critical life lesson that kids need to be taught very young. But it's not too late -- survivors ... are a testament to that.

The piece I never picked up on was that other people's motives and motivations aren't necessarily like mine, aren't necessarily genuine and consistent with what they say/how they try to act -- and the whole notion that people wear masks, disordered or not.

And so learning about postures/body language, facial expressions, voice tones -- in essence, the stuff the intelligence and law enforcement communities use daily, (as well as politicians, actors, corporate management et al.), is wildly useful as it opens a door into a new world: The layers below/beyond the presentation.

Because of this adventure the way I now view, listen to, understand and interact with people has changed forever, hopefully for the better ... with the usual trips and stumbles along the way ....

Perhaps directing your study toward these kinds of topics might be useful for you?"

What she wrote about immediately resonated because I too was a latch-key kid and raised myself along the way. Italian immigrant families didn't have the inside story about the complexity of raising their children in a foreign country. They had enough of a hard time just surviving day to day on a personal level.

The author also shared with me her struggle to own her own opinions or thoughts while she was growing up. I also related to this, because I never thought my opinions or thoughts mattered to others. I seemed invisible to others. Here is how she tells the rest of the story,

"The other main lesson I've learned is that, somewhere/somehow along the way I was either never taught about my own instinct, or perhaps never given permission to live by it, or was perhaps trained to respond to outside permissions always over my own instinct, so through the years I became disconnected from it/didn't see it/no longer relied on it but came to rely instead of any kind of outside input I could gather. In essence I replaced my own instinct void with Other People's Opinions. Which shifts power from the Self to Those Outside the Self and can make one quite stagnant if one is afraid to move in any direction without that approval. (When someone doesn't have a supportive mate in a R (relationship), and that mate becomes abusive and maliciously manipulative, this tendency kicks in hard and if one's voluntarily assumed position in the R is socioeconomically dependent, that makes it more difficult for the one becoming recessive to keep the peace and comfortable safety going until it's no longer possible to do so.)

Recapturing one's own instinct, testing its rightness and relying on the fact that, though it's not right for others it's right for you and that is the #1 primary thing that matters, is a really important step toward strengthening the True Self. Even if we have to swim upstream, pull away from the herd or actively defy those who've influenced us to get free enough to do it.

Through time I've taken inventory and found that, when I've not trusted my instinct, things have gone more awry than if I'd done so.

Doing this at first can be so tentative it's like dipping our toe in the water, then going in ankle-deep, then knee-deep, then waist-high, then gradually swimming around.

There's nothing wrong with gentleness, with refinement. Especially if we were raised in a certain culture or geography and find ourselves having to operate in a substantially different culture that's perhaps more rough-hewn.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent," societal shaming and all. If our backbone is stronger than society's will to break it, we continue to stand tall and walk among those who don't necessarily support or defend us, but we no longer care if they do because we support and defend ourselves."

-- NewWings4MeNow

I received a painful letter from my daughter's mother today. I'll spare you the details that penetrated through my soul like a thousand poisonous darts. She wrote ten pages, but I couldn't even stomach the first two.

This impending conflict hung over me for years. Like many other necessary confrontations, this one was long overdue. However, I can't even take credit for the final showdown, because (in the end) it was a financial crisis that forced me to speak up. Since I'm too aware of her vindicitiveness, I usually fly under the radar. Anyway, I promised myself I would focus upon my responses to these adverse life events rather than getting into the blaming game... As strange as it may sound, today I feel free in the midst of all the threats and chaos.

For starters, I've been learning it's not enough to remove yourself physically from an abusive relationship, but emotionally too. It’s one thing to leave an abuser and quite another to do the inner work so your abuser leaves you. What people fail to understand is that a partner can take residence in your head so that his or her thoughts become yours. This in psychological terms is called introjection. Introjected beliefs are rarely if ever questioned.

Oh, another thing. Before I received this letter, I had a couple of “aha” moments to prepare me. I read two articles about emotional blackmail and I'd like to share the treasure chest of insights I jotted down (and in my teacher mode wrote them in summary form). I hope it hits home to you as it did to me.


• Any threat intended to cause fear, guilt or other emotional trauma if you do not comply is abuse.
• The victim of emotional blackmail is typically empathetic and kind.
• Victimizers attacks with rage, because they experience any kind of assertion as an attack on them.
• Some people are unfit to maintain an intimate relationship that a true partnership requires.
• It’s especially infuriating to be the rational one, who cannot payback at the same base level. The hardest job is to stay non-defensive and cool.
• Emotional blackmail is something no one who truly loves would do because it's a hideous form of manipulation
• It's used by mentally unstable persons
• This kind of power play hurts the child the most who is caught in the middle.

Thanks for reading this.

Hoovering

I learned the term, "hoover" means getting sucked into the same relationship even though you know in your heart it's hazardous to your health. It can happen over and over again if you're not grounded -- especially when you have co-parenting duties to fulfill on a daily basis. A few times I've been taken off guard getting into a friendly conversation with my stbxP. I find that until you have a specific vocabulary for a given dynamic, you are more liable to fall prey.

It's been my tendency to second guess myself, believing in grace -- that maybe I had been too harsh or too quick in my judgments of her. It's easy to forget the hellish world I lived through now that I have had time and space to recuperate my somewhat lost identity and emotional/physical health.

~ Reflector

Codependent or Not...

I wish I could distinguish the difference between those serious emotional impairments of life from those invented by the self-help industry for personal or commercial gain. For example, there are authors who assign denial, confusion and self-doubt under the umbrella of codependent behavior. Is it true? On the other hand, others believe "codependency" is a myth and does not need treatment, but is viewed as a healthy personality trait taken to an excess (Wikipedia). So, are we talking about a psychological disorder/handicap that requires life long help, or rather a condition requiring some guidance and reorientation about setting boundaries? This controversy continues to elude and sometimes torment me. What's worse is that my dilemma doesn't end with codependency, for I have just about as many questions about other areas of life such as spouse-related abuse (narcissism), divorce, starting over after divorce and personality traits (HSP).

-- TR

“Instant- Anything” is an Illusion

After more than three years of living the separated life, I’m getting past the stage of desperation and heading toward serenity and self confidence. I’m not referring to the glamorously vogue self-confidence with its extravagant smile. Most people probably wouldn’t notice much difference if they saw me in real life due to my serious and reserved persona. Yet something new is happening inside me. When it comes to starting a new relationship, it no longer sits well with me to open up too soon as I was accustomed in the past. I no longer feel the necessity of being known intimately unless I have a more substantial basis. I think it's hard to explain how you see things and why you do what you do to someone who is a stranger to you. The reality is that letting it all hang out in one sitting is not the answer to achieving intimacy. “Instant-anything” is an illusion. Lasting relationships are like layers of varnish applied to fine wood: one fine layer at a time.

I have intense feelings and insightful thoughts. I also have a great need to be heard, yet I treasure my privacy and only open up to a few people as introverts tend to do. Ironically however, once I do make a connection, I tend to go overboard in the opposite direction. I become an open book. It can get so intense that if that connection is threatened in any way, I feel as if my life line has been unplugged. It’s as if all meaning were being funneled through that significant other to give life its color. That’s why the following quote struck a sensitive inner cord inside me:

“By learning to love and care for ourselves, we diminish the risk of starving for someone else to fill the void within our souls; a void that only we can truly fill.” -- Sherry Obenauer

To translate feelings into verbal language is arduous, so I congratulate Sherry for the potent way she describes humanity’s relational conundrum. “Starving” is exactly how it feels. It’s a silent agonizing. Personally, I’ve always had this deep-seated doubt whether I would ever connect with a special someone on a deeper level. It’s because it’s difficult even for me to understand myself – let alone expect someone else to. I live a rather paradox life. I can be over-connected one moment, then detached in another. I go from one extreme to the other and cannot always control on which side I may find myself. This deep need for alone time can be a problem if the other person does not appreciate it's my way of refueling, rather than a reflection about her worth. However, thanks to Obenauer, I’m learning something quite revolutionary: Life and love is complete with or without a partner.

When we’ve been alone awhile, we learn to love ourselves and so we approach life from a perspective of strength rather than desperation. We no longer feel the need to coerce, even with subtle bribes. People find us more attractive because we’re content with life as it is. We’re able to accept the ebb and flow of life; the highs and lows without bemoaning.

As I continued reading Obenauer’s article, it begged a decisive question: Who would I be without the thought that my sense of wellbeing depends upon someone else?

Now that I’m on the path back to singleness again, I have had to redefine myself in a couple-oriented world and that’s a daunting mission because culture confuses love with dependency. Dependency (or Romantasy), is the polar opposite of love. It seeks to trap happiness in a cage, seeking breezy, dreamy and euphoric horizons. The sentimental subtexts read, “I only find happiness in you.” Or “My life without you would be meaningless.” While the words sound sweet accompanied by music, the lived experience is a let down. Sherry sums up her commentary by saying,

“The purpose of entering into a relationship should be to share oneself with another person as opposed to trying to get from someone what is lacking in ourselves. Expecting someone else to fill in the gaps usually results in grave disappointments, a sense of failure, and endless resentment.”
-- Sherry Obenauer

Once upon a time I wanted to believe that even an antagonistic mate could learn to love, even if I had to sacrifice my mental and physical health in the process. I’m learning not to place my sense of well being in another person’s hand (as if my life depended upon it). After all, it’s our self-concept that dictates our boundaries and how we allow people to treat us. I’m grateful for the opportunity to reexamine my assumptions in order to breathe more freely.

--- Troubled Reflector

Reference: Article by Sherry Obenauer “Today's Happy Single”

http://www.selfhelpmagazine.com/article/happy-single

underdog outlook...

Some of us believe we have to have someone beside ourselves to tell us how wonderful we are or else we go into a state of deep sadness. With our self-esteem extrinsically based, the idea of being loved gives us a feeling of euphoria, but on the flip side, we plunge into despair whenever the positive feedback pauses or ceases altogether. We often needlessly carry these intense feelings inside in self-punishing ways.

What's important to realize is that this inner state of turmoil is quite common and many people around us experience similar bouts of anguish, so we need not despair into believing we are alone or we are some awful phenomenon who is destined to live in the shadows without hope for finding enduring love. What we need to recognize is that the most formidable obstacle is inside us.  It's important to choose friends who will bring out the best in us so we feel secure around them.

-- intuitivefeeling

"Giving in" means "losing out"...

“The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life – only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay down of my own accord. I have authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father.” John 10: 17-18

The application to above passage can only approximate Christ’s love in a secondary sense. Only Christ’s redemptive gift could have affected the salvation of the world. Laying down one’s life is representative of dying to selfishness, yet there is more if we look under the surface.

James Dobson expresses deep concern that sometimes within the Christian concept there lies an implicit tendency to “giving in” to others – to appear okay with life, hardly noticing or expressing offenses. We can sometimes unintentionally choose to close our eyes to wrongs and in this way shove down feelings that produce resentment and anger. We are quick to put up a false front of consideration and pleasantness. This false front is a time bomb, as the store of negative feelings boils over and ends up damaging relationships, because unexpressed feelings can resurface in forms of bitterness, disillusionment, low motivation, depression and many psychosomatic illnesses. Some medical doctors claim that cancer is the disease of such repression and sadness.

How do these wrongs begin? Usually one partner or friend begins to take the relationship for granted. He or she looks upon the other with dissatisfaction, measuring left, right and center comparing this person to some idealistic dream. When the love avoidant person pulls away, the other loses confidence and begins to panic. Dobson says that kind of insecurity builds a cage around love. It grabs and attempts to hold the retracting spouse or friend. The result is that the drifting partner feels more and more trapped and retreats more and more. As one partner loses confidence, the other loses respect. A spouse may never say these thoughts out loud but the following thoughts cross his or her mind:

“I used to think she was pretty… She gained fifteen pounds after the babies came. She just never looked right again… I don’t want the guys to at the office to see her. The house is disorganized. I do not think she is very bright either…”[or the wife may think] “Look at him laying down on the coach with his mouth open. Just look at him. The guy is going nowhere and he is taking me with him. You know. He has got no future. He doesn’t care. There is no romantic element to our marriage and I am stuck with this man the rest of my life.”

Counselors say that people who give in too easily are stuck in a developmental stage of emotional dependency and do not realize it. They even take responsibility for his or her partner’s abusive behavior. They think they somehow deserve ill-treatment. Even though withdrawal of any kind can be threatening in any close relationship, the Christian needs to look beyond his or her immediate reactions of panic or abandonment. Dobson says that we cannot build love relationships out of an obligatory kind of situation where there is no possibility of getting away – where we feel trapped or held together. This is referred to as “enmeshment”. The romantic-spark requires self-respect and at the same time enough security in oneself to give the other person space and freedom when he or she wants it.

Dr. Bryce Kaye says someone else's lack of love is by no means a reflection of our lovability and that appeasing behaviors are fueled by a misplaced sense of responsibility for a partner's happiness. We can only invite another person to explore love. However, if he or she doesn't want it, then we cannot hold on through desperation. Kaye writes, “One of the biggest myths about relationships is that most break-ups occur because partners can’t get close enough or because they can’t communicate. This makes about as much sense as saying that most people die because their brains stop working. The coincidence is accurate, the causality is not.

The paradox is that most break-downs in intimacy occur because partners are not sufficiently separate. By "separate’ I do not mean giving each other the cold shoulder or ignoring each other. I am referring to keeping one’s identity separate, valid, valuable, and whole without requiring the other partner to provide the missing pieces. If you feel unlovable and are too ashamed to admit it even to yourself, then you are likely to claw at your partner to restore your sense of worth. You will probably try to obligate your partner as if he or she were a parent, at the same time trying to change that parent. "If you loved me…" is a classic guilting maneuver in this fashion. Such intrusiveness, arising from enmeshed personal identities, is far more responsible for break-ups than mere communication problems. In fact, most communication problems in intimacy derive from enmeshment.

”Kaye further explains that it is unrealistic to love our partner all the time. "...this myth ignores the fact that feelings are transitory. It’s also an especially dangerous myth because it sets the stage for turning the feeling of love into a responsibility and that doesn’t work. Many couples have sexual dysfunction around just this issue. If a partner buys the notion that he/she "should" always be interested in sex, then interest will usually atrophy. If you buy the obligation for feeling love, then that too will usually atrophy as a hollow-feeling role takes its place. The reality is that some moments you feel love for your partner, other moments you don’t. There may also be fairly long spans of time when a partner is incapable of love because of stress. That’s natural, it’s real, and it can also be temporary especially if both partners understand the episodic nature of love.

"People who lose respect for themselves seek strength from gaining acceptance. They have little courage to express their own feelings and convictions and are easily intimidated by others. This accommodating tendency snuffs out the spark of love because self-respect precedes love. Self confidence has a lightness and an air of casualness and security that is unmistakable. Appeasing only produces a negative effect of repelling and never attracting others.

Troubled Reflector © 2008

Sharing Too Much, Too Soon...

"It requires courage to open our eyes and listen to what is being whispered in the private places of our hearts." -- Lani Kent

I'm separated and starting anew. This ultimately means opportunities to meet new friends. This post comes as a result of a long standing tendency to share too much, too soon, not because showing warmth is wrong, but because I never understand the dynamics of over-caring and how it can undermine the path toward true intimacy.

When I finally began to see the warp and woof pattern whereby friendships seemed to be taken for granted, then I had to stop and reconsider what was going wrong. Here’s an encapsulation I’ve noted down from the sages.

“Especially after a long dry spell or a bout of self-imposed celibacy after a break-up, beware of portraying the over-doting, smitten puppy.”

--Phineas Mollod and Jason Tesauro

Although a new e-friendship can die an abrupt death for lack of spice or not enough show of affection, the number one reason that nips enthusiasm in the bud is giving too much, too soon. According to one life coach, “Giving too much too soon is by far the biggest relationship mistake made by both men and women… The worst part about giving too much is that the other person probably won't just drop you. At least then you'd be free to start over. Instead, they will keep you on a string and not take you seriously, and you find yourself in 'crazy love' relationship.”So, what symptoms should you and I look out for? Well, for starters is our sense of contentment consumed in making the other person happy? Do we over-identify, pouring our self into his or her problems to the point of ignoring our own? Is he or she pulling away while we keep looking desperately for more ways to engage or connect? Are we so wrapped up with the euphoria of this new relationship that we’ve forgotten our friends and family? Have we confused the sensations of uncertainty for love? Are we lacking motivation to pursue interests on our own?Watching our pace is crucial from the START. We need to slow things down or maintain a slow pace enough for both persons to consider the compatibility factor. This means communicating at an easy pace as friends. Tracy Cabot says a relationship that starts on too high of a romantic pitch has nowhere to go but down: “If you give too much of your time too soon, the other person takes you for granted.”She also says you'll know whether you've given too much too soon because you'll feel cheated. Listen closely to her following advice: “The best way to give is intermittently. Give just enough of yourself to let the other person see how wonderful you can be, then back off a little to see if the other person is responding, then give a little more.”

By maintaining an easy pace you convey an essential message that basically tells the potential partner that you have a life of your own. If you have a hard time thinking of at least three interests in your life that inspire passion (that is not tied into your new friend) then it may be time to begin cultivating your own garden. Please feel free to add whatever wisdom you’ve gained on this topic along the way.

This "over-caring dynamic", by the way can also be applied to other areas of life. I know that as a youth pastor I fell into an over-caring/over-giving pattern which set me up for many needless disappointments as well as deeply feeling taken for granted.

-- TR © 2008

Labels that pigeon-hole us...

How many of you are familiar with those somewhat gaudy and stiff murals you find in the amusement parks -- priggishly painted scenes with posed figures where you and your family can pop your face through one of the holes? There are at least five or six oval spaces to poke your head through(tongue in cheek) while someone takes a snap shot on the side!

I saw one at the Toronto Island years ago. It was a pirate ship with five or six buccaneer figures arranged with costumes of that supposed era.Our lives can be like those murals, but not so comical. We can even find ourselves trapped inside one of those scenes -- one that was not of our choosing, neither for laughs and certainly not for snap-shots. Instead of paint these mural were formed through dismissive labels and distorted opinions that were quite effective in marking our lives. Those socially conventional scenarios have power to define who we are ... so much so that we cannot get our head loosened from them. They are grotesque caricatures painted when we were just children so we may never have questioned their effect upon our self-worth. However, no matter what your background, you and I can acknowledge we are free from condemnation, judgment or whatever other distressing ideas that would separate us from the joy of fellowship with God.

I think the lyrics below speak to everyone because sometimes we find ourselves strong, sometimes tempted and sometimes weak, yet God is merciful.

The Strong, The Tempted, & The Weak
(words by Derek Webb)

"In union with the Lamb
From condemnation free
The saints from everlasting were
And shall for ever be
In covenant from of old
The sons of God they were
The feeblest lamb in Jesus' fold
Was blessed in Jesus there
Its bonds shall never break
Though earth's old columns bow
The strong, the tempted, & the weak
Are one in Jesus now
When storms or tempests rise
Or sins your peace assail
Your hope in Jesus never dies
'tis cast within the veil
Bridge
Here let the weary rest
Who love the Savior's name
Though with no sweet enjoyments blessed
This covenant stands the same"

Question for reflection:

What did your mural look like?

How did God free you from it?
-- © TR 2008

Calling forth life's riches...

“If your everyday life seems poor, don't blame it; blame yourself; admit to yourself that you are not enough of a poet to call forth its riches; because for the creator there is no poverty and no indifferent place.” ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

I've fondly used the above quote for many years, without questioning what the author was saying. So, I decided to take a closer look and was pleased with my discovery. It seems to me that in his journey toward creativity and self-definition, Rilke used his passion as a poet as a starting place for constructing meaning. He understood a rare truth that many seem to miss --- that the only human being capable of making life meaningful is our own person. Only you and I can plug ourselves into that vital connection each day. The poet is a great example of a devoted kind of proactivity. He/she uses laser-like observations to arduously seek abundant riches that at the same time feed and inspire the writer as well as the reader.

So what? Well, whenever I feel like drifting into a mood of indifference or selfpity, it’s time for me to be asking: ¨Who is responsible for my sense of well being?¨ In the midst of the demands and challenges of daily living it’s easy to lose my way. In order to begin today with freshness and perspective, I need to remember I'm responsible for my feelings. Internalized motivation is what enables me to progress in order to withstand negative external influences. Without this development, I fall prey to victimization... either of circumstances or to the fickle nature of those around me. I therefore, make my decisions based upon what I want, and not the approval I may gain. Internally-defined (God-defined or God-valued) persons are aware of their imperfections, yet they know who they are. They are clear about the values they believe in even when they mess up and have to start over again.

As simple as I seek to make the idea of responsibility sound, the spiritual life is chock full of paradox and so any easy explanation about responsibility for our emotions can run the danger of becoming too simplistic. It’s easy to stray to either extremes than find a balanced understanding. Some people for example, err by externalizing their feelings (locus of control) to such a degree that they blame everything that has gone wrong on everything or everyone except themselves. On the other hand, some err on the other side by internalizing their feelings to such a degree that they blame themselves for whatever has gone wrong and that too is not healthy (Phil McGraw).

I have come to appreciate John and Mary Valentis's masterful quotation below because I mature through honest self-awareness rather than seeking to understand how others may or may not be operating. Self-awareness allows me to stay focused upon my perceptions without getting enmeshed in what I think others are thinking. I know this is difficult for me because I often forget that God has not given me mind-reading powers. At least not yet.

"Stay within yourself and your feelings. don't wander away by focusing on your partner or the situation... To focus on your partner or situation is to leave your feeling experience and its message, a message of self-awareness."

Hmmmmmm? I want to be able to finish this post, but can't FIGURE OUT WHAT'S MISSING. Oh, well, I guess I'll have to land the plane another day okay?

-- TR

Internally Self Defined...

Oddly enough my passion for writing came about as a result of my need to find recovery from an emotionally bankrupt childhood. I began a journey unearthing emotional / spiritual issues, seeking to understand how the effects of my childhood interfered and frustrated the present. I began to piece together not only how Dad’s aloofness and acts of rage affected me as a boy, but also how it affected my Mom so that she could not give my sister and I the substantial attention we needed. She was so submerged under dreadful marital problems and this affected her health in the form of migraines, ulcers and great bouts of depression. In short, she did what any human being would do under the circumstances -- she involuntarily detached herself from us because of the traumas.

How did this lack of attention affect me in the present? In terms of emotional investment, I grew up with my love tank on empty. Phillip McGraw writes the following that has helped me tremendously to understand the dynamics that I now need to work on.¨Studies of newborn babies show that unless we receive love, our survival is in jeopardy for the first days of our lives. As we grow up, if we are not convinced that we have it, we will go through life trying to find it.

There is a certain way in which we need to be touched, held and regarded behaviorally and emotionally. If we feel deprived, even from an early age, and before we have the vocabulary to describe it, we will be driven in our lives to find it. That drive can be so powerful as to dominate our thinking and motivations and therefore our choices through life. Some of your most critical choices in life may have resulted from your need for, your search for a love that, whether real or imagined, you felt was elusive. … The more your internally defined self-esteem is lacking, the more you are vulnerable to external influence. In short, if you aren’t ¨squared away¨ with yourself, they can ¨get to you¨ from the outside. The world will pick on self-doubt like it is an open wound. As a result, you can find yourself making decisions driven by a need to build how you feel about yourself, but from all the wrong resources. Simply put, if you don’t love, believe in, and accept yourself, you will try to find someone else to do it for you. Seeking that validation so desperately from someone other than yourself can have a huge effect on the choices you make.¨

This is why we need to cultivate our own garden not waiting for someone else to bring us flowers. Only when we feel complete can we truly share with freedom. We cannot be that empty wine bottle that gets filled by a vineyard not our own. We won't find love outside because it's already inside us. That is why I journal and write poetry. I find that's where God, creativity and I meet! Love is not only something we already possess, but something no one can take away. As someone once wrote, ¨Dreams live or die inside our heart!¨

--TR

Surrogate therapist...

“Paradoxically, an emotionally excessive relationship is not necessarily caring or sensitive. It may be based on the need for reassurances, security, and undying devotion from your partner. This kind of emotionally overloaded relationship involves taking but not giving. The excessively emotional partner will try in vain to get self-love and self-esteem from her partner that she doesn’t have in herself.” --- Mary and John Valentis

This excerpt impacted me as I’ve left an emotionally excessive relationship where I surrendered my identity. This post originated from a letter I had written a friend. I had to explain to this friend how sorry I was for using her as a substitute therapist. I see it now. It was a most unproductive attempt at getting self-love and self-esteem … especially because it came from the outside. I didn’t mean to act this way, and it put pressure upon her to be play a roll that didn't correspond to her at all. Believe me, I hadn’t questioned these kinds of behaviors till now.

It’s easy to find a safe haven in someone else rather than doing the necessary alone-work of internal assessment and reevaluation to cultivate inner strength and character. What’s more, I was using “Romance” as a pretext to distract me from the internal journey of healing which needed to take place -- alone, without artificial supports.

Others can offer a listening ear for a time,
But the work is ultimately mine.

© TR 2006

Only ONE single emotional tie...

“…when one is dependent on a single emotional tie as a primary source of well-being, that connection comes to be so highly valued as to seem essential to one’s existence.” -- Carl G. Hindy

As an artist discovery means avoiding preconceived ideas about where things are going or how they may unfold.  Whether I'm working on a project, art work, poem, humoristic piece of writing, friendship or love, I seek to be tentative... keeping a cool head…letting events unfold naturally on their own. It’s what gives life an unexpected element.

However, having said that, I have also had to learn to define what kind of discovery is healthy and what produces over-stimulation. When I returned to the world as a single man I came so ill-equipped in the area of romancing.

One author says the best way to predict a person's anxiety is to measure the love difference -- that is, how much the person loves the partner versus how much the person is loved in return. The greater the disparity between the emotional investment the more anxious he or she is likely to feel. Here the principle of least interest comes into play ... namely the partner in a romantic relationship who has less interest in the other person has more power.

Another element the book looks at is the level of consistency in one's potential partner. Consistency is the characteristic that tells the most about whether a compliant person experiences romantic anxiety.  The more consistent the partner, the less anxiety -- the less consistent – well you know…

According to Carl Hindy, ¨The attractive but emotionally fickle partner is likely to have the greatest power to wreak havoc with your love life¨.  Another way toward anxiety according to Hindy can happen by creating an inconsistent partner .... is to give so much of oneself that one is inevitably disappointed with what the partner gives in return.

Hindy insightfully points out, ¨One feels a lack of reciprocity, not because the partner gives too little, but because one's own level of commitment is so unrealistically high as to leave one open to frustration and feelings of rejection. One's perception of the partner as inconsistent thus stems from a need for very strong and clear expressions of affection that no partner can consistently provide.¨

© intuitivefeeling