role playing

Photo image from www.anxietytreatmentblog.com

"For the traumatized child, life becomes a long, drawn-out crisis. In a psychological phenomenon called hypervigilance, the traumatized child spends most of her time on the lookout for trouble, and as a result, will easily be triggered into fear, anxiety, and depression. Fear increases the level of cortisol, causing chronic tension and anxiety; it can become a frightening, out-of-control vicious cycle." -- Lisa J. Lehr

The big day had arrived.  I had been interviewed as a volunteer counsellor and had been accepted. Finally, the day of the workshop came, the kind where you don’t know you collapse until it’s all over.  When I least expected it, I suffered one of those notable attacks of anxiety, before a group of total strangers.  It happened during an innocent role playing activity, the kind I sought so hard to avoid. What everyone else saw as a mere exercise, loomed large as a life-threatening situation.

I had the misfortune of playing the role of a supposed "wise and experienced" counselor while applying some newly learned therapeutic techniques. I felt like an oxymoron.  As was my custom -- when it came to dramatization -- I went into a tail spin and crashed. My mind went foggy. I felt rigidly self-conscious, insecure and defeated even before I began. It was altogether disorienting.

Nevertheless, when leaving the workshop, I sensed a strange combination of relief and exhaustion. Although my temples pulsated with a dull ache, what surprised me was my ability to reframe the event. I became acutely aware how altered I felt. Before I would feel the urgent need to defend my blundering performance; write the supervisor a long e-mail to apologize and all sorts of other gymnastics, but this time I felt an inexplicable calm. This time I accepted my actions knowing I had done my best in spite of torped fits of momentary panic.
-- intuitivefeeling

Emotional Dependency

Photo credit: http://www.heyjosh.com/

I’ve been reading David Viscott’s, “Emotional Resilience: Simple Truths for Dealing with the Unfinished Business of Your Past.” After reading it over twice, I wonder about the subtitle, because for me there is nothing simple about dealing with the past. It's painfully complex, tiring, tedious and elusive. It requires questioning assumptions and coping mechanisms -- if that's at all possible.  However, Viscott compensates for what I consider this initial slip through his deeper understanding of the undercurrents of human interaction.

When Viscott refers to emotional dependence, he describes my family background with accuracy. As a result of this unsolicited “heritage” I have a mix of avoidant and co-dependent issues. Today, in this post I've jotted some reflections from reading Viscott, dividing my thoughts and feelings in two categories: In the first paragraph I mention the dependent traits that hit me hardest in my marriage while in the second category I deal with areas that still affect me in the present.

My wish to be close to my ex-wife caused me to disregard my safety and best interests, holding on to the relationship long after experience had revealed the truth. Once committed and enmeshed, I put up with considerable abuse. Maybe a list can help show how dependence led me down the dark alley of emotional debilitation:  1) I neglected self care. 2) I let down my guard in exchange for a few crumbs of affection. 3) I admitted wrong when I had no reason. 4) I did not see self-reliance as an alternative.

In the present, my main concern as Viscott states is that "others see me as loveable". Everything I am hinges upon this "need:  1) I suffer from guilt and as a result have difficulty expressing hurt in a timely fashion. 2) When others do not feel good about themselves, I take responsibility for it. 3) In my subconscious I still believe I need another person to be complete -- again quoting Viscott "to be my best, to assuage my hurt, to be comforted and loved".  4) Because I'm obsessed with the idea of diminishment I can slip into a scarcity mode. 5) I avoid "taking actions that may cause me to lose favor with others". [I'm aware how I fall prey to others' opinions, being vulnerable to changing my initial belief. For example, I have to guard against reading hardcore conservatives that defend marriage at all costs, who view the institution above the individual]. 6) Doubting my lovability and needing reinforcement, I have to work double hard to act on my own. For instance, several years I resisted the idea of initiating the process of divorce, putting it off in my mind until I had a new love in my life. To think of the brutal task of divorce without someone supporting me from start to finish seemed too unbearable. Fortunately, I found the resolve to finish what I started, but it wasn't easy and still have bouts of ambiguity. Part of me is thankful I'm out the relationship, while the other part of me questions whether I was too hard on her.

By nature then, I’m a people pleaser. I care what others think and this fear of being rejected often compromises my judgement. Sometimes I get emotionally blocked when I need to be in tune and aware. This makes me susceptible to being blindsided. Rather than defend myself, I tend to display my injury, as if doing so will cause the person who is hurting me to repent.

̴  Intuitive Feeling

My Father's Aloofness Part II

Photo Credit: "I always felt that I needed to work much harder than other people did in order to feel and be loved." -- Christine Anne Platel

Connecting feeling to the past is painful because my father didn't know how to connect with me. Men of his generation (and before) had to be tough and just bear the hardships without complaining. No one had any right to enjoy anything for very long without a dark long shadow looming large. Now, as an adult survivor I have a hard time believing anyone wants me around. I never acknowledged this state-of affairs. How would you called it? The loss of...?

The best title I can offer is the "the loss of feeling wanted" Perhaps it's not a loss, because I don't know if I ever had the feeling in the first place. Now, my wounded inner child screams for attention, seeking ways to compensate for the love deficit of my childhood -- hypervigilantly looking for signs of rejection: long pauses in conversations, bored looks, short replies or smiles that are meant to create distance.

Unavailable Parents

Photo Credit:

As a child I remember my father's dark and stormy character with his unpredictable outbursts of rage. He only made eye contact when shouting at me. 

My mother on the other hand strained under the weight of many internal and external conflicts. Her disastrous marriage undermined her health in the form of migraines, ulcers, anxiety and bouts of depression, so that no matter how much she loved her us (her two children), we became a small wedge when it came to receiving her attention and love.

Fortunately, my relationship with my mother did blossom later in life and we still enjoy each other’s company greatly. She continues to be a source of support and inspiration to me especially in times of need. My father continues to be aloof and violent in temper and although I try to have conversations with him, they are more like monologues. 

Intuitive Feeling

Low Mantenance Child

Photo Image by Anonymous

“Being a low-maintenance child or partner (a nice word for self-neglect) is idealized as a valuable attribute.” – Charlotte Z. Cavatica

“It is common for people to say we all have a void that only God can fill. That is probably true but the emptiness I lived with and inside of was greater than any natural, inborn need for God. It was the void that nurturing parents are assigned to fill as they love, protect, and encourage their child. By this they teach their son or daughter who they are, and of their importance, and place in the world. I didn’t have that and though I managed to survive, I had no fully developed identity of my own.” -- Pam Witzemann

Through most of my life, I sought to hide, fix or "unbe" myself. Coming from an Southern Italian immigrant background, my role as a child and youth called me to adopt a highly charged, extroverted cover -- at least in theory. I mattered to others only to the extent that I reflected the resilience and tough-mindedness of a typical high school jock. So, somehow I ended up becoming a burden bearer instead -- obsessed with fixing other people’s problems.


Since I couldn’t rely upon my caregivers nor my immediate environment to meet my needs, I became as low-maintenance as possible, someone who focused his energy upon rescuing others. I derived great satisfaction from this learned behavior. I not only remember having an exaggerated fear of letting others down early in life, but felt acutely responsible for others’ feelings of disappointment or anger. This set me up to having huge boundary issues or a lack of them.


The idea of introspection is meant to release empathetic persons from the prison house of the past. However, I read this week that if our rumination leads to blaming(either ourselves or others), then we will remain stuck in the funk of our emotions. Doc Childr and Deborah Rozman state in their book, “Overcoming Emotional Chaos” the following key concept that I really appreciate and am seeking to implement:


“One of the most important things to release is faultfinding or blame toward yourself or another. Blame keeps spirit in retreat. To bring in more of your spirit, you need to take full responsibility for yourself and realize that you have the power to release judgment, resentment, or hostility. You do it for your own health and well-being if not for any other reason.”


Learning to keep blame in check is a hard lesson for me to retain as I did the blaming so automatically in the name of honesty and/or authenticity. Since I disliked folks who projected a pristine, I’ve-got-it-all-together persona, I didn’t want to fall into this phony category. So, I learned there are two extremes that need to be avoided: “Nicety” as well as blame.

Unsolicited iNadequacy...

Inadequacy has been an unsolicited companion since childhood. Actually, I viewed her as a permanent resident. I even used to have recurrent dreams where it took center stage. There were several scenarios yet all of them produced somewhat the same sensation: Sometimes I'd be preaching before a congregation I never had seen, however, I didn't have a Bible with me and couldn't remember the text I was to preach from.


Sometimes I'd find myself in a park area I had never been to before where I was wearing only pyjamas, yet had to make my way past the police that surrounded the area to get back home.

Sometimes I'd be in an unfamiliar High School writing a math exam having no idea how to answer the unintelligible equations that were staring me in the face. Sometimes I’d be involved in hockey (as a youth) but hadn’t brought the appropriate equipment so I'd have to sit on the sideline and just watch.



When I used to have these dreams I could feel the tension go through my whole body, I’d sweat only to later realize it was just a dream, but a dream that revealed so much about my emotional/psychological makeup.



Don Miller, a Christian writer, writes about this same tendency.  He describes how he tends to second guess himself about too many things… whether or not his ideas are right … whether or not people like him… whether he will get married or not …whether his future girl will leave him if he does marry… whether his car is fashionable enough, … and whether he sounds like an idiot when he speaks in public.


How about you? Do you suffer from inadequacy?


© Reflector 2008

Through the valley...

There is no graceful way to say this… it’s so easy to write when we’re inspired, but I´ve been so out of it lately. Separation brings on it’s own brand of isolation …some of it my own choosing, some of it part of the transition process. It´s a lonely process because no one can feel the hurt for me.

I remember hitting this low state back in 1988. Part way through each day I would get that sinking-weakened feeling that I had to find a hiding place to pray and recover. I’ve been needing to do it again… closing the doors to the art room in order to pray. I know feeling hurt is part of life or we’d never know what dependency upon God could mean nor compassion for those who go through the valley. The rainy season is almost over.